Lalala, nothing to see here.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Read my newer works instead, okay.Points:
Time spent:
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Canary word: Present
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140,459 Literary Works • 673,233 Reviews
I’m going to read your other works.But for now, I’ll review this. Why? Because I can! First of all, this was incredibly breathtaking. This sentence is so meaningful and powerful. I burst into tears. Second of all, your original story you had sounded interesting. I would have liked to see it. But this is fine too. In fact, it’s just perfect. I hope that you will have an amazing and lovely day and night.
Wow! I absolutely love your wordplay and descriptive language you used!
This sentence is very, without another way to put it, grammatically aesthetic. With a comma in the beginning, giving a well balanced pause in the sentence, and a period at the end to tie it all together, I really enjoyed reading it!
Now this line, I think could be shortened. It seems a bit long syllable wise, especially compared to the rest of the sentence. I think it might flow better if you remove a syllable. Perhaps something like this?
Then again, having three syllables might also balance out the sentence, leaving more “weight” to the left of the comma. But at the end of the day, it’s your work, and you get to choose! All in all, I enjoyed reading your work, and I hope to see more of your work around! Stay safe and keep writing!
-Lizzy
lol you MADLAD
the fact there is a full on review on this tells me you removed the original text and replaced it
( don’t mind me just scrolling through old works *whistles while walking past* )
definitely not me being insecure and removing it 10 years ago lol
Hmm... Seems sus.
OH NO LOL
XD
Hi Carina!
Let's get started.
I hope you had a good New Year
First impressions: This was good! I really enjoyed the prologue. It was definitely interesting, and a pleasure to read, BUT. And this is a big but. The first lines... let this down. Which is a shame.
1. It should be 'remember'.
2. Secondly, the second line is a let down
In this, I felt that the mentioning of the cat was a bit unnecessary. The original mention was okay, seeing as it was about the keys, but the second time wasn't really needed there.
Nasty Nitpicks. I hate them myself XD
Grammatically incorrect.
Logically, because it ends in 'o', it should end in 'es' like Volcanoes, but this word is an exception and should be 'weirdos'. Weird, isn't it?
/fail of a pun
I think it's a bit obvious there. It also makes it a little bit more dramatic. I think it might increase tension, personally.
I'm assuming you meant 'it was' by 'it's'.
Nitpicks over XD
One thing I do like about this is that it feels very... when you write, it feels natural like how a typical teen would say stuff without the slang and stuff. It feels quite natural and yet I think that makes it special in a way.
...I think that's over with the nitpicks.
The bold was confusing - was it a message/code or something? If it was, that's totally fine, but if not... what do you mean by it?
Italics - XD
From there on, it was all good :] One thing I should point out is that I was leaning towards a female voice here instead of male. I'm not sure how to help in that sense, but it all comes with practise, so don't worry about that. I'm struggling to do the opposite - trying to make a voice sound more female. I thought I'd just let you know, so you don't get shocked later.
But anyway, that's it! I hope this helped you out, and well done for an overall great prologue. It's really intriguing and you've done well
Keep Writing!
-Mac