I see you in the corner of my mind;
Anywhere I go, you will be there too.
Just waiting for the day until you find,
That I just want it to be me and you.
.
Your smile makes me smile each and every day.
The way your mind works will leave me speechless;
You make me wonder what I'm gonna say.
In my eyes, you're so much more than genius.
.
There's no way I could tell you this right now,
So I will bite my tongue and carry on.
I'm wanting to be more than friends, but how?
If I speak too soon, too late - you'll be gone.
.
For now I'll keep my head low and just wait.
You may not see it, but I think you're great.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
CardinalSouth!
I appreciate that, but it acts as a double-edge sword as a result, there are places that seem contrived and weak.
There is a lot of control for rhyme and rhythm, sure enough I went and counted and each line is almost exactly ten syllables
For example, corner of my mind doesn't really make sense. The mind is an abstract idea, it doesn't have a corner. Corner of my eye makes sense. It's not going to rhyme, but shouldn't clarity and meaning be prioritized over sounds? The double "smile" in the first line of the second stanza, the "each and every" day. You can say "each day" or you can say "every day" and it will mean the same thing, right? It's the same for the line following it, there's no need for "will" leave me, since this is present tense and it's not as if there is a conditional implication, you could just say "your mind leaves me speechless" and you have a cleaner, more efficient way of phrasing the same sentiment.
Still though. The poem *is* very cute.
I hope this helps! Keep writing.
~ as always, Audy
I will remember this! Thank you
Oh boy do I feel you there. This poem is not cheesy! I actually quite enjoyed it. And I like that it truly comes straight from your heart. Yes, we've all had our fair share of I like you but you'll never like me moments...but every story is different and I like your way of expressing your feelings and pain. The only comment I would make is to change your title. Your poem is not the cheesiest of poems, so why advertise it as just that? Keep writing!
Thank you! I will haha
Hey,
I like your use of punctuation and capitalization through out the poem. You also used great vocabulary to help get your point across. Its clear through out the story this obvious love struggle but I think my favorite part of this story is the fact that I can hear the frustrated undertone most teens have about their crush. I've been there before lol The lay out of this poem is also immaculate it helped to get your point across with tones you may not have realized were in there. I think my favorite line however would have to be
Well I guess you were right. The title does explain it all
" Your smile makes me smile each and every day.
The way your mind works will leave me speechless;
You make me wonder what I'm gonna say.
In my eyes, you're so much more than genius."
I like this part because it has a lot of depth in just those few words and I think a lot of people will be able to connect with it. Most likely however not just this part but the entire poem because it show cases some of the frustrations of being a teenager. Keep up the great work!
Sincerely,
Collideascope
Thank you!!