Young Writers Society

Hey Cailey!

I’ll kick this off with corrections!

Then, one cold winter day,

I think you should make this a new paragraph

Haha, this was funny to me anyways. As for the idea its pretty great, but the plot not so much. Just add some more interesting things to grab the reader, and you’ll be grand. Good job!

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo

Hi Cailey

You're story was beautiful and a little confusing. By the way, I cannot be harsh. Don't know why =P

Okay so there are just tiny mistakes. I'm sure you'll fix them in your next entry =D

Here are some corrections to be made...

First Paragraph, second line:

I loved the quiet, the peacefulness #FF0000 ">and the solitary pleasure of life.

There should be an 'and' since you're trying to specify somethings instead of comma's. =)

Now, Second Paragraph; third line :

All sounds#FF0000 ">, words, ideas, phrases, #FF0000 ">and everything that had been uttered by Me was now gone.

Forth Paragraph:

I then went to tell Me about the idea. The plan was satisfying to Me. The agreement was that I would let Myself talk, but occasionally I would let Me have some time to speak. So, the grand decision was made, and Me, Myself and I lived happily ever after.

I really didn't much understand that. It was kind of confusing. The answer's still not cleared. Well, I'm just saying I didn't understand but maybe other writers might because sometimes I can be real stupid :P

That's all of it. I say you should keep writing! xD May you have a wonderful future ahead. I must say it was a little cliche but don't worry too much of it. It's just a small part of writing =)

Looking forward to read other entries ^^

Cheers
L1598 ♥

I loved the quiet, the peacefulness, the solitary pleasure of life. It was as if there was nothing I could not do.

These two sentences seem to clash a little bit against each other. Peacefulness implies as if this character did not have anything to do; and yet the next sentence changes this and says that the character felt like he/she could, in fact, do anything. I understand that both of these are highly abstract and don't really mean anything specific (which is a problem in its own), but even as literary terms to spice up the prose they don't really work.

Now, as the story goes on, we find out that the character (I'll assume it's a she) lived in a thoughtless void. This makes me wonder: how did she find out that she, in fact, did not speak at all? One requires thought for this, do they not? So she couldn't have been a lotus-eater this entire time. She did think at some point about what she (wasn't) doing.

Why is Yourself guilty for speaking at first, but does not actually speak in the story? What thoughts were passed down from You to the character? What is this piece trying to say? There are so many questions. That's the most important one that I would love to be answered: what did you want to get across with this piece? Does it have any application in the real world at all? A piece could be about compelling characters, or it can have an intriguing plot, or it could be in a fantastic setting. Or it could attempt to pass on an idea that the author wants to express. I'm getting a faint feeling that you wanted to do the latter -- but what is this idea? I don't know.

Your Self,
cC