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Silence

by Cailey


Spoiler! :
I was going to put this in romance, but I don't know if it fits. So, here it is. Sorry about all the Spanish stuck in this story. But, it's all happening during Mexico's Independence. the Spanish words are just extra detail.

“Viva Mexico!”

“Viva!”

“Viva Mexico!”

“Viva!”

The cries continue, shouting the names of every Independence hero. The Niños Héroes, Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla, José María Morelos y Pavón, Josefa Ortiz de Domínguez, Ignacio Allende, Guadalupe Victoria, Agustín Iturbide. The list of names seems to go on, though in reality six names being shouted out by the governor and answered by a chorus of “Viva!” from the crowd is not long. In fact, the whole Grito probably only took a few minutes. Not that it mattered how long it took. I actually wish it had taken longer. I wish I could have stayed huddled on the wall. Crying peacefully to myself. I wish I didn’t have to get up and pretend to watch the pirotécnicos, a big tower of fireworks. One firework was lit, causing a wheel to spin and set off more until the whole tower was on fire. It finished with one big explosion. But I didn’t see it. Not really. At least, I can’t remember it anymore. I just remember staring through the haze of tears at all the people standing around. Celebrating. Smiling. Kissing. Not crying. I was possibly the only girl in the zócalo who didn’t want to celebrate. No one else wanted to go home and curl in a ball and cry. No one except me wanted to leave the festivities.

Someone touched my shoulder and I turned to see my friend, who was the guy in charge of making sure I didn’t get kidnapped. He informed me that there had been a pigeon sitting atop a firework when the tower was lit. I wondered if it managed to escape or if there was now a dead bird somewhere. At least a dead pigeon was more fitting to my mood than the lively people surrounding me.

Another friend came up beside me and instantly noticed my red eyes. Or maybe it was my smeared makeup. Or the fact that my lip was a little bit swollen from where I had bit it to try and keep from crying. He raised his eyebrows in question, but I couldn’t speak. He knew some of it, anyway. He’d seen me talking. Trying to listen as the boy that broke my heart pleaded for a second chance. And he had to have heard something. Maybe he heard the boy say, “Ask me if I love you.” And maybe he heard my silence. My refusal to ask the question. To hear the answer.

I realized my group was leaving me, and started along behind them. My legs felt unsteady, shaky. As I pushed through the bodies, my friend put his hands on my shoulders, guiding me through the chaos. I remember feeling so glad to have him there, helping me walk. Because, at that point, I couldn’t have walked alone. Even with him behind me I almost tripped a few times.

We came to a place with less people and no canopy of trees above us. From there we could see the real fireworks exploding above an old colonial building. Flashes of red and yellow and green, a loud clap of thunder, and cascading raindrops of ash. After each firework I watched the colors fade into pieces so small you could barely see their outline against the dark sky. Pieces as small as my heart.

The rest of the large group arrived, and our small six person grew joined into a group of about twenty teens. I tried to hide my tears, but my sister noticed. More people gave me curious glances, and that just made my tears fall even more. As we began the long walk back to the car I walked between my sister and her friend, letting them lead me up the cobblestones. They exchanged glances, both wondering what had happened. Both assuring me they would listen if I wanted to talk.

They wanted so much to know why I was crying. What could I say, though? I didn’t want to explain how much I had liked the boy. How many hours we had spent together, daydreaming about the future. And I couldn’t tell them about the sound of my heart shattering when he told me he was done. Told me he had chosen soccer over me. They wouldn’t understand the taste of my tears as they fell over and over again, refusing to let me heal. And they couldn’t know that when he told me he was stupid, I wanted more than anything to agree. When he said he’d made the biggest mistake of his life, I knew he was right. There were no words for how I felt when he said he liked me. When he turned my pile of shredded leaves into the shape of a heart. How was I to explain what when on in my own heart? I was supposed to stand up, tell him he was a jerk. Slap him. Tell him I was over him. Say if he wanted me back it was his problem. Assure him I didn’t want him back. But I did. Just like I had since the day he ripped my heart. Crushed my dreams. I wanted more than anything to accept his apology. To fall into his arms and stay there forever. Not his forever, which lasted less than a year. The real forever, the one that would never end. I wanted to risk having my heart broken again. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything. So I just sat there in silence. Wishing my tears would stop pushing their way through my eyelids. Holding my leg to keep it from shaking.

Again the question came, “are you okay?” I shrugged, flashed a fake smile, and continued walking. In silence.


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Wed Oct 26, 2011 12:59 am
Cailey says...



thanks for the reviews, I did go back and fix the stuff you pointed out. Glad you liked it!!




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Sun Sep 25, 2011 5:12 pm
DevanEWilliams wrote a review...



Hey there!
I think this piece was really emotional, and the interesting point of view it's in makes it more real. I think the Spanish you have in there makes it more realistic, and it sets the scene right away.
Just a few nitpicks I noticed while I was reading through it:

One firework was lit, causing a wheel to spin and set off more until the whole tower was lit. It finished with one big explosion. But I didn’t see it. Not really. At least, I can’t remember it anymore.

This word repetition here...I know it's a tiny thing, but I happened to notice it. Also, I'm not sure if you meant for this to happen intentionally, but this portion of this first paragraph seems slightly choppy. It does make for more of a stream-of-consciousness sounding tone, but it's still a little off, in my opinion.

I just remember staring through the haze of tears at all the people standing around. Celebrating. Smiling. Kissing. Not crying. I was possibly the only girl in the zócalo who didn’t want to leave. Who didn’t want to go home and curl into a ball on her bed and cry until she had not a single drop of water inside her body.

This part was a little confusing to me. When I read this, it almost sounds like everyone else there wants to go home and curl into a ball...yeah you get the point. Rewording that one part would make it flow easier and make it less confusing.
Someone touched my shoulder and I turned to see my friend, who was the guy in charge of making sure I didn’t get kidnapped or anything. He informed me that there had been a pigeon sitting atop a firework when the tower was lit. I wondered if it managed to escape or if there was now a dead bird somewhere. Another one. We had already passed the remains of a bird that crossed the road as a car passed. By the time we saw it, it wasn’t much more tan a pile of feathers.

The first sentence kills the tone for me, especially the "or anything." Also, I don't really get an idea of who this person really is. A little more characterization could be useful to understand this better.
One other part of this was about the pigeons. Was there really a point to having that in there? It seems like an extraneous detail to me. But that's just my opinion. (Also, spell check there! ;))
Overall, a very real, emotional story. Good job!
~Devan




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Sun Sep 25, 2011 3:28 am
SmylinG wrote a review...



Hi, Cailey. :mrgreen:

First off, I want to say I'm not sure why you were apologizing in the spoiler for all the Spanish in your work. I think you had a certain authenticity present that I couldn't help but fall in love with in general. Really, this whole story reminded me of my family and heritage and the certain unique atmosphere that comes with young Latino love. xD This reminded me of --dare I even say it-- an old boyfriend of mine. The hotshot soccer player. Really nice work with the authenticity though. I just wanted to say that to get things kicked off.

Now, onto the thick of this review. One thing I think you handled really well was the setting of this heartbreak. It was during a time of celebration. There were people everywhere, there were fireworks, people were wrapped up in a good time. And then you have this character, who so broken and sadly alone in the mix of it. You seemed to contrast the two very well. I mean, I can see areas where this might seem a little simple. In ways it is. But I suppose the way you've gone and captured this particular moment and then fed it to your readers is what I really liked. Everything in her eyes is all blurry and half-ruined. There's a sense of helplessness, which shows your character is young.

The fact that you end this with the character opening the scene with being alone and heart-broken and then ending it with her with a friend but still as sad as ever is some good structure. You really pulled through in that sense I think, without really even noticing I bet. I'm very on top of the little things though. x) I tend to notice the simple meaning that lay beneath the surface. Thought there wasn't much to this than the broken heart of a young girl, I think that's quite fine, because you did one heck of a job accomplishing and describing it. Nice work.

All in all, little complaints. I can't recall if I ran into any tinier errors or not, but it couldn't hurt to go back through and check again so that this work is fully up to par!

-Smylin'




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Sat Sep 24, 2011 2:26 pm
EvensLily says...



I love to title, Silence... A broken romance. Brilliant! The character and writing depth was brilliant, so much emotion in such a short space of text. Brilliant, loved it!
Love,
Evenslily x




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Fri Sep 16, 2011 4:47 pm
Soulkana wrote a review...



Again the question came, “are you okay?” I shrugged, flashed a fake smile, and continued walking. In silence.


The A in Are should be capitalized because it's beginning of a sentence. I have to say I really liked this piece. It was wonderfully detailed and the emotions in it was amazing. I can't wait to read more of your works ^^. Hope you receive more helpful reviews...
Soulkana<3





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