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Alice

by Cailey


The road stretched on like a slithering snake. It was a road made of brown dirt, packed down by years of trudging feet. Along the sides of the road bluish grass waved in the slight breeze, blowing into the road every few seconds. Beyond the grass was nothing, only more almost blue plants. This went on for a long time, until finally meeting with the dull blue sky. It was, in all, a very plain view.

Alice stood motionless in the middle of the road; her arms were held out to her sides to catch the small wind. Blonde hair covered one of her closed eyes and fell down to the middle of her back. She had a very small, pointed nose and her lips resembled those of a porcelain doll. In fact, everything about her thin, pale body resembled a porcelain doll. To an observer, it would seem like the barely blowing wind was enough to carry the child away.

Some time passed while Alice stood this way. It could have been minutes or hours, though Alice did not know or care. Finally, perhaps from fatigue, her arms fell down to her sides and hung there limply. Each of her delicate fingers was curled into a fist, and her small nails dug into the flesh of her hand. She bit her bottom lip and slowly, very slowly, opened her eyelids to reveal eyes that were as dull a blue as the sky. For a little while longer Alice stood, then her left leg swung forward and her miniature foot landed on the dirt. Farther along the road, two tiny shapes showed the place where she had left her shiny black shoes.

By the time the shoes could be seen clearly and no longer appeared to be motionless ants, the sun had sunk lower and was directly behind Alice. Half of it had already disappeared behind the horizon, and the remaining half cast rays of light that illuminated Alice’s hair. Each strand shone like gold as it flew about the girl’s face.

The shoes were suddenly in front of Alice, and she slipped her feet into them just as the last sliver of light began to fade. As she walked, the curve of the earth had moved just enough for a white house to be visible. A shiver ran through Alice’s frail body as she stared up at the house. Before long, she was standing in front of the door, with her hand resting on the wooden frame. Quietly, she peeled away a piece of paint and watched as it fell like a feather. One small finger stroked the graying wood that was quickly replacing the white all over the house. The door was already completely grey from the many nights that the child had stood outside freeing the wood from its painted prison.

The moon began to find its way into the now completely black sky, and each star shone like a beacon of hope. Alice peered through a window, ignoring the broken glass that stuck up around the frame. When she saw no movement inside she pushed open the door that was so much bigger than her and stepped into the building. Gracefully, she stepped over fallen furniture and found her way to what once was a kitchen. The cabinets all stood empty save a layer of dust and dead bugs. Alice rested a hand on her stomach and felt the spaces between her ribs.

Soon, the fragile form pulled herself up the stairs, and each step creaked and wailed in protest. Once upstairs, she moved from room to room, though in each she saw only broken furniture and grime. In the last room the glass of the window lay shattered in the grass far below. Alice crawled through the space, ignoring the cutting shards of glass that were left. By the light of the moon she slithered to the rooftop, where the moonlight made her wispy hair look like silver.

Alice sat there, small and fragile. Her body no longer resembled a porcelain doll; it was much closer to a skeleton. Each gust of wind seemed to carry away a piece of her skin, until there wasn’t really anything left. And so, starved and alone, Alice curled into a tight ball and closed her eyes for the last time.


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83 Reviews

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Reviews: 83

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Fri Aug 12, 2011 3:34 am
SubjectBlue wrote a review...



I might have to risk in repeating the words of others, probably saying it in a worse manner as well, but this particular story have completely drew my attention.

I think you're main problem here is the lack of a plot, it might be argued by some, but there isn't really a story behind this, what I argue in your favor, however, is that it does not make a difference.

Many artistic parts have been written before, that had a doubtful plot. This story is very beautiful, and extremely well written, with amazing descriptions and paragraphs, and truly an astounding and rich language and wording, I thought it was amazing.

I did had one problem, I sensed- correct me if I'm wrong- a point hidden in there, but I couldn't quite put my fingers on it. Also, I had a feeling that you overused the "porcelain doll" metaphor, which bothered me a little.

All in all, it was great, and I enjoyed reading it, keep up the good work!




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56 Reviews

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Thu Aug 11, 2011 5:15 pm
DevanEWilliams wrote a review...



Hello!
First of all, let me just say that I love your writing style. You describe things in really beautiful ways so that I can see it very clearly in my mind. Your whole story almost leaves the reader guessing at the end to know exactly what happened.
One thing that I noticed right off was this word repetition:

The road stretched on like a slithering snake. It was a road made of brown dirt, packed down by years of trudging feet. Along the sides of the road bluish grass waved in the slight breeze, blowing into the road every few seconds. Beyond the grass was nothing, only more almost blue plants. This went on for a long time, until finally meeting with the dull blue sky. It was, in all, a very plain view.
Alice stood motionless in the middle of the road; her arms were held out to her sides to catch the small wind.

To me, that repetition of the word "road" was a bit distracting.
She bit her bottom lip and slowly, very slowly, opened her eyelids to reveal eyes that were as dull a blue as the sky.

I am in love with this sentence. :D
What I also really like is the last paragraph. It gives a really good image of how small and frail Alice is.
One thing that I would like to see less of is the single-word adjectives followed by nouns. For example:
brown dirt
small wind
Blonde hair
etc. etc.
Other than that, amazing job! Hope this helped.
~Devan




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67 Reviews

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Thu Aug 11, 2011 4:23 pm
mistielovesyou wrote a review...



This was a very good piece in an aesthetic way, but just okay story wise. Your descriptions and writing was really beautiful, but I can't tell if this story is symbolic of something or if this is real life.
I think you need to add more details so that the reader can get a clearer picture of what you're trying to say (or symbolize). Either that or add more background so the reader can know what's going on. Good job, though and good luck.




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Thu Aug 11, 2011 3:46 pm
ndioro wrote a review...



It's an interesting piece, especially the ending! To be honest, at first I was confused a little, like "what's going on?". However, the ending made it all clear, and the last paragraph is, probably, the best part of the story. Maybe you could add just a little more explanation or background at the beginning, or add Alice's thoughts or memories in order to give the reader an idea of how she appeared in that situation. Or at least give some clues that help to understand or at least create our own version of how a little girl ended up like that.
And this sentence, you need a comma here: "When she saw no movement inside*,* she pushed open the door that was so much bigger than her and stepped into the building."
I like your writing, even though this story made me feel sad.





Books give a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything
— Plato