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Immortality's Price.

by Cacophony


Sadistic vampire warning: Anyone bothered by sadistic blood-sucking vampires should look away now.

This is a slightly edited version of a story I wrote when I was seventeen. It was originally tiltled "Gift of Blood". I don't usually write in first person present tense, so the style is a bit of an experiment for me. I'm toying with the idea of continuing this. Anyway, enjoy :D.

***

Blood always tastes sweeter after a chase, when the victim’s heart is pounding and he looks at you with fear dancing in his eyes. I sink my fangs into in his neck. It nourishes me and I wipe the blood from my lips as he crumples to ground. Lifeless, he stares up at me with glazed eyes. His face is pale like the moon shining through the window and there are deep gray circles under his eyes. Fools, these living ones; there is beauty in the eternal embrace of undeath that cannot be found any other way. Who knew that death would be the price of immortality? These mortals, I do them a service by ending their pathetic existence. They are no better than rodents.

I hear footsteps in the distance. Perhaps in time I shall master the art of restraint, though in life I could never restrain myself either. I can hear her coming down the stairs. The old wooden steps creak under her weight. I run my tongue over my lips as my mouth fills with saliva in anticipation of a savory morsel. I dart into the shadows and wait. She flips the switch and the light stings my eyes. I blink and they adjust. Foolish mortal and her need for light. I hear her gasp and scream; yet she does not run. This shall be interesting. I prefer a chase, but I always enjoy the succulent taste of fresh blood. I step out from the shadows and her eyes grow wide. “Do not be afraid,” I say.

To my ears her heartbeat is the like the sound of a thousand drums all calling to me. Poor living thing; too afraid to scream, to run like the cowardly thing she is. I press my lips together as she stares at me. There is a distinct aroma of fear about her. This, I think, shall be my easiest meal yet. No amount of blood could satisfy my thirst. I was like her once: a foolish mortal. It has been centuries and I barely remember my former life. Not that I wish to remember. The immortality of vampirism suits me well. Perhaps I shall share the gift with this one. The meekest mouse always makes the meanest vampires. And this one seems to be the meekest of them all.

It would be a great irony, I think, the daughter of the vilest of slayers transformed into the very thing he hunts and despises. He stalks me, hunts me with the determination of starved wolf caught wind of prey. But now I hunt him. In the end I shall be the cat and he the doomed mouse. Tonight he eludes me. But where would be the fun without the challenge? I am Adrasteia, and none can escape me. My vengeance has only begun. His son, his darling precious son, lays scrawled out on the floor, pale and cold as ice. Even his death could not make up for all the vampires that have found death at the end of the slayer’s stake. Vampires are not meant to die.

She takes a few steps back then runs up the stairs. So she does have some guts after all, it seems. She trips on the top step and gasps as I place my hand around her throat and pull her upwards. “Do not worry,” I say, “I have a gift for you. One you that you should appreciate.” And with that, I sink my fangs into her neck, savoring the taste of her warm blood, my ambrosia. She slumps to the ground, dead like the other fool.

Her body is light and caring her to my lair is easy. A good thing my crypt with is ancient stone walls shields me from the sunlight; it allows me to work well into dawn. In the corners, spiders weave their artful webs, which are lovely to look at unless one is the fly trapped within. I am like the spider; as they drain the blood from their victims so do I.

Soon, I shall give her the gift. The ritual commences. When it is over, I feel drained yet satisfied. A new vampire shall be born tonight. I shall have to find a suitable coffin for her, but that is not a hard thing to find when your home is made beneath a graveyard filled with dead souls who are more than willing to give up theirs. Mortals seem to be dying to get in here.

Dusk comes and she awakens. Fangs have grown in and her eyes have taken on a brilliant shade of red. The girl is paler now. She runs a finger over teeth. I smile. “Where am I?” she asks, her voice like that of a frightened mouse ready to scurry at the slightest noise. Her pretty dark hair contrasts nicely with her pale skin. In time she shall realize the gift that I have given her; a gift of life, of death, of blood. She too shall hunger for its ever-quenching taste, and revel in the hunt. I grin.

“My lair,” I say, “and your home…for now.” In time she shall have to leave this place, strike out on her own. I dislike sharing my home with anyone; except for the spiders spinning their webs on in shadow-shrouded the corners of this room and the occasional mouse scampering on the dust-covered floor. But I shall be content in showing her the pleasures of the hunt. And I know exactly who first her prey shall be.

Edit: Fixed a typo (thanks Zzap).


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Wed Sep 01, 2021 4:04 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyyyy!! Forever here with a short review!!
First of all, a tiny nitpick:

This shall be interesting

Do we use shall with this? I doubt.

Now, I have never read a vampire story before. So, that was quite interesting to read.
Characters:As for the humans, they were not too fleshed out. Obviously, one can imagine how a vampire looks like but for the humans, I think some descriptions are necessary to make your reader imagine your characters. Also, it's better to give a description of the vampire too. In this story, you have mainly described them psychologically and not physically. It’s always great to see what a person thinks and their mind but for the readers to imagine, physical appearance is required. That's missing.
Plot: The plot seems to be quite interesting. From what I could interpret, it stands like there was a vampire who converted the narrator to a vampire. And the narrator, maybe to take revenge or due to some other reason, bit the relatives of that vampire. This is what I could understand. With the immortality thing, that was the most interesting how the narrator thinks the narrator gave them immortality by biting them. Maybe that's a kind of sarcasm from the narrator ir a true feeling of the narrator. I couldn't decipher that very clearly. I wonder what her first prey will be. Maybe the relatives of the narrator. Keeps me wondering.
Pacing: The pacing was kind of good but maybe a bit rushed. It felt like everything was happening very fast fast. Like one hunt then another. Nothing id wrong about that tho. Maybe it showed that how the narrator is mad for blood, the narrator's crave for blood. However, slow it a bit. Like you should provide the descriptions of how the person turned into a vampire. The people, like me, who are reading this type of story for the first time can get a bit disappointed not getting their answer.
Setting: In the setting too, I think you need to give descriptions. It felt like the story happening against a white background, which it obviously didn't happen in. The readers can't imagine it happening. You have gotta give descriptions for both the setting and the characters.

Overall, it was a good try when you are writing in first person and present tense for the first time. It just needs a bit of improvement.

Keep Writing!

~Forever




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Sun Sep 17, 2017 12:27 am
darthchloe wrote a review...



I didn't like this. It was the typical vampire/slayer story and the blood drinking and vampire-turning processes were glossed over. It wasn't meaningful and the characters weren't new or different or original. The writing, however, was neatly executed and the story did flow well.
You had a few spelling mistakes as well.
good job. keep writing




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Thu Jan 21, 2010 12:29 am
writewannabe wrote a review...



I'm just joined YWS yesterday. I am trying to do read several entries a day and write some type of review. So I am hitting the older ones first. This is very good, I noticed a couple of typos, but they were already addressed by others. You description is very good, especially writing in first person is difficult.




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Sun Jun 17, 2007 6:51 am
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Firestalker says...



OOOOOPS

Thats the second time this happened.

can't someone invent some thing that stops things like the above happening?.

SO pay no attention to the above




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Sun Jun 17, 2007 6:47 am
Firestalker says...



I agree this will turn out to be a great story. The only bad thing is you seem to have started in the middle of the story.

I WAN THE REST OF THAT STORY (THATS AN ORDER)




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Sun Jun 17, 2007 6:45 am
Firestalker says...



I agree this will turn out to be a great story. The only bad thing is you seem to have started in the middle of the story.

I WAN THE REST OF THAT STORY (THATS AN ORDER)




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Tue Nov 21, 2006 10:33 pm
Luxor wrote a review...



I love vampire stories, but I'm very particular of them. Your style of writing is very easy to get into, but the overall plot is very cliched. I find that a well-written, well-plotted vampire story is a treat, but a bad one is like sour blood. Try to think of someway you can make your story unique from all the others, such as odd or off-beat characters or some interesting plot aspects that have never, or rarely, been done before. Otherwise, I think you might have some promise as a writer if you keep at it.




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Sun Nov 19, 2006 5:49 pm
Sureal wrote a review...



‘I was like her once: a foolish mortal.’

- You’ve already used the term ‘foolish mortal’ once. This time round it feels redundant.


‘Her body is light and caring her to my lair is easy.’

- ‘caring’ = ‘carrying’.


‘Soon, I shall give her the gift. The ritual commences. When it is over, I feel drained yet satisfied.’

- Maybe explain the ritual to us? Describe how it’s done? At the moment, just saying it starts and then it’s done… it leaves the reader feeling kind of cheated.



EDIT: ... Y'know, I've just realised this was posted in 2004. The person who wrote this isn't on the site an more...




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Sun Nov 19, 2006 6:23 am
Vampirewolf3 wrote a review...



I didn't like this. It was the typical vampire/slayer story and the blooddrinking and vampire-turning processes were glossed over. It wasn't meaningful and the characters weren't new or different or original. The writing, however, was neatly executed and the story did flow well.

Yeah, I can see where that comes from.




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Thu Nov 16, 2006 1:45 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



Foolish mortal


You use, if not this exact line then this sentiment, too often and its rather cliche.

To my ears her heartbeat is the like the sound of a thousand drums all calling to me.


the last part, 'all calling to me', needs to be revised, if not taken out entirely.

The meekest mouse always makes the meanest vampires.


always makes the meanest vampire. Or: always makes the meanest of vampires.

In the next paragraph, you introduce the slayer element, far too abrubtly. At first the vampire is feeding only for the sake of it, and then suddenly there is a vengeance motive involving a slayer and his children. You should integrate that element throughout, I think, as it is basically the plot.

“I have a gift for you. One you that you should appreciate.”


One you should appreciate. Or: One that you should appreciate. Remove the ýou'or the 'that'.

Her body is light and caring her to my lair is easy


carying her

my crypt with is ancient stone walls

its not 'is'

shall have to find a suitable coffin for her, but that is not a hard thing to find when your home is made beneath a graveyard filled with dead souls who are more than willing to give up theirs.


That's far too long a sentence, break it into two or more.

I didn't like this. It was the typical vampire/slayer story and the blooddrinking and vampire-turning processes were glossed over. It wasn't meaningful and the characters weren't new or different or original. The writing, however, was neatly executed and the story did flow well.




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Thu Nov 16, 2006 1:01 am
Vampirewolf3 says...



Vampire stories are good. First person vampire stories are better. Do me a favor and write more. (It was impossible to find flaw in your writing.)




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Mon Jan 03, 2005 6:40 am
Supermal says...



I liked how the story is written, and that surprised me because most first person stories are pretty distasteful. It has lots of detail, and is quite intriguing.




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Mon Jan 03, 2005 3:20 am
nickelpickle says...



I usually don't go for Vampire Stories and the like, but I really liked this one. Your story was written exceptionally well and your sentence variation and action was good. The story really left me wanting more:)




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Thu Dec 02, 2004 9:34 pm
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Cacophony says...



Firestarter wrote:Oooh, this was good.

Never read a vampire story before.


Glad you liked it :D

But I want more! I command thee to continue thy story!


Don't worry. I will. :D




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Thu Dec 02, 2004 9:28 pm
Cacophony says...



CarsandGuitars77 wrote:well, being one of realistic fiction and historical fiction, i thought the subject matter was rather remorseful--i dont usually read things like this.


Well vampires aren't for everyone. I like realistic and historical fiction too, but it's not something I'm good at writing :).

however, your sentence structure was exceptional.


Thanks :D.




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Thu Dec 02, 2004 9:27 pm
Firestarter says...



Oooh, this was good.

Never read a vampire story before.

But I want more! I command thee to continue thy story!

Ahh first-person stories are cool.




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Thu Dec 02, 2004 9:21 pm
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Cacophony says...



aisu_ookami wrote:Nifty........
I usually don't read vampire stories but the title made me curious :D Anyway I really like it! I felt as if I was inside the vampire's head or something like that.


Glad you liked it :D.




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Thu Dec 02, 2004 9:15 pm
Cacophony says...



faith wrote:*drools* ooh vampires...


Yeah vampires rule :D

This reminds me a lot of an Ann Rice novel. Same ornate, formal language and faint dry wit in places. not terribly original, but well written.


Heh, the funny thing is I've never read Ann Rice. I probably should though (the first few books at least - I heard her last couple of books weren't that good).

Anyway, glad you liked it :D.




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Thu Dec 02, 2004 3:34 pm
Chevy says...



well, being one of realistic fiction and historical fiction, i thought the subject matter was rather remorseful--i dont usually read things like this. however, your sentence structure was exceptional.




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Thu Dec 02, 2004 3:30 pm
aisu_ookami wrote a review...



Nifty........
I usually don't read vampire stories but the title made me curious :D Anyway I really like it! I felt as if I was inside the vampire's head or something like that.




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Mon Nov 29, 2004 2:30 am
faith says...



*drools* ooh vampires...

This reminds me a lot of an Ann Rice novel. Same ornate, formal language and faint dry wit in places. not terribly original, but well written.




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Sun Nov 28, 2004 8:44 pm
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Cacophony says...



mim wrote:I loved your writing.. i was totally engrossed and i think you should definetly continue it. I especially loved the phrase 'mortals seem to be dying to get in here.'..... ironic and clever in my opinion!


Glad you liked it. That line is actually an old joke about graveyards - I couldn't resist putting it in here :D.




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Sat Nov 27, 2004 1:56 pm
mim says...



I loved your writing.. i was totally engrossed and i think you should definetly continue it. I especially loved the phrase 'mortals seem to be dying to get in here.'..... ironic and clever in my opinion!




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Sat Nov 27, 2004 2:53 am
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Cacophony says...



ZZAP wrote:I moved this to Other, as it has an aspect of Horror to it...

-Z


Okay. I suppose it could probably fit in either one :D.




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Sat Nov 27, 2004 2:50 am
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Cacophony says...



Éloeré wrote:ohhhh... I like this! I love it how the vampire thinks. It would be a good story to continue! I presume the two people the vampire kills are the children of a vampire hunter? And now the girl is a vampire as well, and the main character wants her to hunt her father? It's interesting! I like it, and I wouldn't mind reading more...


Glad you liked it :D. And yes, I think I might have to continue this. The ending is too much of a cliffhanger for me to just leave it alone.




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Sat Nov 27, 2004 2:48 am
ZZAP says...



I moved this to Other, as it has an aspect of Horror to it...

-Z




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Sat Nov 27, 2004 2:35 am
Elelel wrote a review...



ohhhh... I like this! I love it how the vampire thinks. It would be a good story to continue! I presume the two people the vampire kills are the children of a vampire hunter? And now the girl is a vampire as well, and the main character wants her to hunt her father? It's interesting! I like it, and I wouldn't mind reading more...




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Sat Nov 27, 2004 2:30 am
Cacophony says...



Also, when I got near the end of your story, there was "I'm not liking others to share my space"... 'Space' is a word that displaces the story. My term is called, localising the terms of your story. Meaning, make you story fit the mold. Don't use mechanical words if you are creating a story in fantasy Middle Ages times. This is my test for the point system, sorry just bedazzle the length of my feedback.


Thanks for the feedback :D. Actually this takes place in a modern fantasy setting, but I changed "space" to "home" anyway. Anyway, I'm glad you liked it.

ps- I'm testing the donation of points... I'm to give you 20pts for the job well done[/quote]

Thanks :D.




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Sat Nov 27, 2004 2:11 am
ZZAP wrote a review...



Okay... sorry about that. Just testing the system.

Very nicely done with the story... I like how you described the intoxication of being 'bleeded'. You seem very solid on you language work, besides a couple errors. There was a typo, apathetic --> pathetic... Also, when I got near the end of your story, there was "I'm not liking others to share my space"... 'Space' is a word that displaces the story. My term is called, localising the terms of your story. Meaning, make you story fit the mold. Don't use mechanical words if you are creating a story in fantasy Middle Ages times. This is my test for the point system, sorry just bedazzle the length of my feedback.

-ZZAP

ps- I'm testing the donation of points... I'm to give you 20pts for the job well done





I have writer's block. I can't write. It is the will of the gods. Now, I must alphabetize my spice rack.
— Neil Gaiman