What would you
do if a little birdie fell
so near your doorstep?
Would you take it
inside and
nuture it
care for it?
What would you say
when you realize that you love
the little birdie, who sits in that cage.
The cage of your heart.
What would you say
to the little birdie?
Would you tell him you love
the way he dances
around and whistles
to you.
Around and around- -
he dances.
What do you do
what could you do
to show the most love
to the innocent creature?
Why, you let
Him go.
What do you say to others
when they ask, inquire,
pry- -
I thought you loved him.
They do not understand.
Yes, I loved him, you say- -
That is why I let him out of his cage.
I let him fly away.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Hi!
This is a really cool poem! First of all, I really love the concept and the metaphor you used. I also like your word choice and the way you refer to the bird as "birdie" - it adds a certain layer of affection.
I spoke it aloud a few times to check the line breaks and for the most part they make sense. I especially like the first line ending in you, because it directly addresses the reader and draws them in. I think others have already mentioned the capital H in stanza two, which was the only part that threw me off a little bit. You vary the line length nicely, which prevents the poem from becoming to monotonous and the line breaks too abstract.
Your use of repetition and the constant questions being asked worked really well together with the two lines at the end. The poem feels like it has a conclusion, like all the readers questions have been answered.
One thing I would say is that the line "The cage of your heart." isn't really necessary within the poem. You do a great job of otherwise making your message clear, and this line feels a bit obvious. I would personally say it's better to have the reader look harder at the entire poem to understand it, but that might just be my personal taste.
I hope this helps a bit
Thanks! Totally does!
Hi there!
I'm here to review your lovely poem and leave a few thoughts.
So as far as pacing a lot of the line breaks felt a bit disjointed to me. Breaking a line mid-phrase draws out attention to whatever the middle word is there, and readers will check to see if there is double meaning to the odd break. Some particular hard breaks were "why, you let // him go" and "when they ask, inquire, // pry -- " I think changing a few of those line breaks would really improve the flow of this piece.
I see that you left some double dashes in places, I'd love to know what the intention is there. I think it could potentially be an interesting formatting choice but at this point, it just adds to the disjointed reading.
Another thing you might take a second look at is some of the phrasing, a good trick is to read the piece aloud and see if each sentence/phrase makes sense. For instance, you capitalized the "w" in the 3rd stanza in this line: "Why, you let Him go" -- now I'm not sure if this is intended to be a question (it ends in a period) or just a sentence, or what it means in this context.
Now lastly, I have to commend a few lines where you really elegantly crafted some thoughts. I liked the simple but almost insistent language you used in the piece. These lines I particularly liked:
I liked the overall concept of the poem with the bird and the doorstep (maybe a metaphor for love or hope or dreams or something). I also enjoyed that despite most of the poem being compromised of questions, the last 2 lines gave answers. This is a nice twist that suprises the reader and grabs attention at the end. I'm not clear there if it makes sense that the reason the speaker let them go is so they could leave... I mean for me that seems kind of redundant. Like, "I let you go, so I could let you go". But maybe it includes the line before about love? For me the ending is unclear, and maybe if there wasn't a stanza break it would be clearer. I still do like the sentiments expressed though.
Well best of luck in the rest of your writing and thanks for sharing your poem! If you have any questions about my comments please do ask.
~alliyah
Thanks! Really appreciate this, very helpful
No problem at all!
Looking forward to reading more of your work in the future.
This is a really sweet poem and overall I liked it. I especially loved the metaphor
that the heart or love becomes a prisonand the unexpected irony that the protagnist takes the bird in to love and then to let go.
It makes the action of adopting the bird seem absurd because in the poem you don't emphasise love. Maybe you could add a line mentioning the good things about love to make it seem more meaningful? like maybe about how love frees the bird to make his choice to fly in a specific direction?
I appreciate your input! I'll consider. I do like the vagueness of the poem though, idk. But like Sheyren said, it's metaphorical (it's not actually a bird lol).
Thanks!
ah yes I tend to overthink sometimes (I apologise!) and in this case I was looking for something more solid ... fundamentally there is nothing wrong with the structure, rhythm and message
ignore my last comment and keep writing 
No worries! Any opinions are welcome and helpful. Thanks!
Hello! Shey here for a review!
I want to start by saying this was a really amazing poem. As a result of its amazingness, I haven't got much to complain about, so I'm going to focus on the things I liked, point them out, and explain why I liked them, so you can keep it in mind in the future.
My first is a totally unrelated thing I need to quickly point out. Sixth line down in the second stanza, you capitalized the H in him... I would advise changing that, because it kinda looked like you were referring to God.
Onto what I liked. First, I liked the formatting. It was there (in the form of stanzas, something I'm quite fond of, and I hate when poets don't use them), but it wasn't too much that it grew distracting. Sometimes people will have indents and spacers everywhere, but when the reader goes to read it, they're totally distracted from the story by all this formatting. You hit the sweet spot with how much should be used.
I also loved the meaning behind your poem here. It was about a birdie, but it was also about something more. The amount of emotion led me to the realize it was a metaphor. Metaphorical poetry is some of the most entertaining and powerful stuff that exists, and I love that you've written some.
Overall, wonderful job. Keep up the great work, and I look forward to seeing more from you!
-Shey
Thanks!!