The Place I Know You

Hey,

Positives:Your choice to use the exact same formatting for literally every line was a bit risky. If you repeat yourself more than twice it's usually a bad thing, but over and over and over end your reader will just stop. But being that you stuck it out and went all the way to the end, it now has become this poem's own style, so therefore it works, in a manner of speaking. I don't know what it would be like with it, but it is what it is, and I don't think it's bad.

It is then that I see you.

It is then that I know you.

It is then that I love you.

This simple progression of ideas into a culminating action works well here, and lends a more mature and complete feel to this poem.

Negatives:

When the wind hums peacefully through the trees

When the stars swim playfully in their seas

When the birds dream sweetly in their sleep—

What I didn't like was the fact that you have all of this space and freedom to do what you want, but you've kept yourself constricted to using the most basic of vocabulary. This is a "love" poem, and therefore it's one in a bazillion trillion freaking gamillion, so that means that you have an immortal flood of competition, and there are some of the world's best writers right now who are writing more of these things because that's what the world wants so badly.

You have to stand out, and you do that by being unique, different and extra ordinary with your writing. This doesn't have much of that, so it just kind of pales in comparison. Try to spice it up a little.

I give it:

Hi,
First of all, I gotta share this song with you. The song's in my playlist and when I clicked on this, this song's playing and I found that really soft and good and in synth with your lovely poem.

Let's start the review and my review's a little bit rusty, just warnin' ya.

Introduction. (or First Impression.)

As you said in your description that this was written when you were sad, I was instantly pulled in to read this because I hadn't read this kind of poem for a long time. My expectations were hit on. This poem was exactly what I wanted to read at that moment. I imagined it was night time, and it was a little bit windy and I seemed to be lost in your world for a minute. With that song, I felt like a little crying and of course, I'd read your poem without the song, and it felt almost the same, so good job at making me crying.

Meats.

Let's dig deeper into your poem. The thing that really made me *distracted* was this line:

When the waters, sparkling, glisten so white

It was wrong, I just knew it had some flaws somewhere. First, I did understand a little about what you wanted to tell me, but I couldn't establish a right image. It wasn't satis(enough). Second, there was a grammatical error and a big gap of parallelism sentence structure error. Parallelism sentence structure is the consistency of many things in a sentence, so I wouldn't explain it here, you got to do the homework though. Third, what did you meant by "sparkling, glisten"? Both got almost the same meaning, but different tenses. It was confusing.

So, I imagined that this poem had three stanzas and a stanza was made up from 4 lines. And main problem here was I really couldn't connect all the stanzas together. Like the first stanza was almost the same as the second, but with a little different view on it. The only thing that made them different was from the 4th line of each stanza that actually moved the poem forward. So, if you could, I would advise you to diverse the two first stanza.

The thing I really loved here was the images you'd created, but you know, as I stated in the previous paragraph, the images didn't really move the poem forward. Well, the softness and loveliness of your vocabularies were so normal and yet, beautiful, that would make me indulge in your poem. Just lovely!

Conclusion.

I wished that the poem would be longer, so I could really know what happened actually in the poem. I was so intrigued by this. Of course, short poems are lovely and cute, but if you wrote it a little bit longer would be really interesting.

Just hoping you would write more. I am pleased by this.

Keep writing.

NicolMemo