Trees shiver, skinny dark figures
Crying in the cold, screeching in the wind,
Mourning their long lost
Green leaves.
A raven on a limp branch laughs
Maniacally; the moon wails
Ailing silver spears, faintly shining on the
Virgin snow.
Winds chase each other,
Whipping the rotten skins
Of ancient trees; piercing cracks
Echo in the darkness.
The bride’s veil slowly creeps
Above the trees, isolating
This small place we call
Heaven.
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Wow the rich imagery is so real it’s refreshing.
Who do you take inspiration from? I think, if you mean this to be jarring, the broken phrases definitely help, but otherwise might you consider connecting the bits into longer sentences? This definitely works, but the flow might sound more human if it doesn’t chop uncomfortably.
It’s interesting to see that this was meant to be horror, as I felt more peaceful after having read it. If you meant to make winter wonderland seem sinister by the ending, I can see that as well, but I like a calming interpretation personally lol.
HELLO BURANKO, I remember reviewing one of your poems that I super liked, so I decided to stop and leave a review on this one as well! c:
Oh wow, I love the dark side of winter you are portraying here! It's so interesting to see winter portrayed in a darker light, and I think you did that pretty effectively. I read through Myre's review and your response, and I love the themes of each stanza! The loss theme in the first stanza is easily recognized with "mourning their long lost." Another thing I noticed is that you ended each stanza a bit abruptly with a shorter line -> I really liked this, because it showed the jarring, cold side of winter, and it was quite unexpected, too. All in all, I think you did a super well job with this poem! ^_^ I don't think I have any critiques, so I'll just go stanza by stanza and talk about what works in your poem <3
I love the alliteration in the first line! And for some reason, "skinny" contributes to the spooky feeling you have going on here cx I also think "screeching" is a super effective word -> it's really haunting, and again, it adds to that spooky feeling. And I love the way you personified trees here; from their crying to shivering (which I really liked), this stanza does well to set up the atmosphere of this poem!
Limp branch -> it's a simple phrase, but it really works! It shows the loss of life to me, since you often read/hear "they went limp," so that was pretty spooky! Hm, if I had to give you any sort of suggestion, maybe use a different word than "cries"? You used "crying" in the first stanza, so perhaps you could find a similar word that portrays the same meaning! The first thing that came into my mind was "wailed," and I actually think that that might work nicely, since you used "manically" in the line earlier! c: But of course, it's up to you! ^_^
AHH each stanza just gives me chills! "whipping the rotten skins" -> wow, I love this! Not only is it such a unique image, but your word choice (Whipping and rotten) convey the idea so nicely, and wow, I just really like this stanza <3
To read the word "heaven" after all of that darker imagery was unexpected! I don't really know what interpretation you had while writing this, but to me, I read this like, "there's going to be a lot of suffering, pain, and hurt in life, but in the end, you'll reach a place of light and happiness." To me, it gave the poem a lighter end, which I enjoyed c:
And that's it! I apologize for this review being on the shorter side, but I honestly don't have much to say! What really stood out to me is your language and imagery - I love your word choice, and the mood of this poem was very well received. I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope this helped! ^_^
Hi star thank you for pointing out my little repetition there, I tend to avoid accidental repetitions of words but when it does happen it is because it's too subtle for me. But wailing sounds so much better, I am glad to replace that. Ah and I am glad you enjoy my poetry. I tried portraying a place where someone feels at home, to try show the beauty in the spookiness of a forest.
I love this!
Hello there! I loved this piece! The way you wrote it is very beautiful, and I can see the image in my mind very clearly. For me, I smiled as I read it because it pleasantly rolled off my tongue, which I find very attractive in a piece of literature. Word choice was chosen well, and your personification was just amazing. It appeals to many of my senses and I liked reading it again just for the satisfaction. You are an amazing writer! Keep at it! And I hope you have a wonderful day!
Heya!
This is an awesome personification of a landscape - I don't think I've seen anything like it before, I love that the stanzas have their own "themes", if you will. It's rather short, but I enjoyed reading it.
The punctuation is interesting as well - I enjoyed seeing a semicolon, don't tend to see that often enough in poetry - sometimes no punctuation at all!
I love that everything is linked together also. Even though the stanzas have different "themes" (again take it as you will, but I see them as the first stanza being what happens with loss, the second being what life is brought to the loss, the third being what happens to the trees when the wind - a metaphor for pretty much any hardship - comes, and the fourth being what the tree stands for: ultimately, heaven), the stanzas don't seem disconnected.
On a lighter, less speculated note, I loved this! Super interesting!
Thanks for publishing it and for the fun read!
Have a good day!
Peace,
Myre
Ayyy I love the fact that you identified the theme of each stanza. What I wanted to portray in the 3rd stanza is suffering but what you said is the same thing
That's awesome! I'm so glad I got it right - I love your writing, I'll be watching out for you in the future!
This is packed with so much beautiful imagery- I just love the line 'mourning their long lost green leaves'.
There are so many lines in this poem that are so vividly described, and it creates such mystery and, in some ways, fear:
'The bride's veil slowly creeps
Above the trees, isolating
This small place we call
Heaven'
I also love this stanza:
'winds chase each other,
whipping the rotten skins
of ancient trees;..'
It reminds me of gothic literature- peaceful and beautiful yet somehow unsettling.
Well done, I enjoyed reading this poem
Aww thanks, glad you liked it