Float and
float
I'll let the water fill my lungs
I will not try
I'll suffocate
I'll let it pull my body
I'll suffer less
If
I
just
stop
trying
Oh I can swim
I can
Someone just lend me two hands
I'll stop fighting it
I'll let the water in
Let it in once my will is gone
I feel amazing
I feel happy
I scratch the water as I search for air
They are gone
waiting above,
trying to teach me
Teach me how to swim
You can do it--
I can
I can right?
It's beautiful here they say
I just need to look around
It's
just
dark.....
Those fish stare
Stare as I search for
nothingness to fill my lungs
The ocean consumes me
as my body swells from consuming it
Does it love me?
It treats me with passion
It suffocates me with a kiss
A kiss from death......
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hello, My Friend!
It's nice to meet you! My name is Raven/Ravena/Rav (whichever you prefer!), and I'm here to give this piece a quick review!
To start, WOW! This is such a creative poem, I love the unique structure you chose! It fits this eerie, haunting theme so well! Speaking of that theme, I feel like there are so many ways to interpret this here. I mean, quite literally, it feels like a visceral depiction of someone drowning, slowly consumed by the ocean. On the other hand, it's easy to think of the ocean as a metaphor, perhaps for the feeling of death, or of giving in to some kind of inner-demon. Regardless, it feels like a slow descent; you deny it, fight it, then slowly just come to accept your fate.
But of course, this is all just what I could interpret, sorry if I'm off!
*ahem* As far as a technical review goes, I don't think I have anything to recommend for improvement! I mean, albeit unusual, I love this formatting. The meter, language choice, all of that is lovely. If I was REALLY pushing the envelope, I would suggest maybe some sensory notes, to add to the immersion? I just think, with how visceral the descriptions of the ocean are, something like "the smell of brine and pure salt" or "the white noise of drifting waves" would just really put you even more in the moment. This is what I like to do with descriptions in prose, but of course, I get they're harder to use in poetry lol. Anyway, take only what you like from that advice, and consider the rest just the mad rambling of an internet corvid!
As for my favorite parts and lines, oh man, where to begin?! How about we start with...
**sorry the formatting gets messed up in a quote box** This opening immediately caught my attention! Starting on this note, like the narrator is already actively drowning, gives this sense of struggle and like we may just be too late. Likewise, that language of "it will be easier if I just stop trying" is so universally relatable, in so many ways, it just...Ugh, love it!
Lowkey, it actually kinda reminds me of this song that had a very similar vibe. "Into The Ocean" by Blue October...I tend to doubt it was that song specifically, but I wonder if there was any musical inspiration here?? But anyway, moving on!
Ooo, this part really hit hard. As the narrator starts to give in, realizing how dark it is under the water, the "fish" just stare and watch it happen. It gives me this mental picture of someone going through a hard time, drowning in their own sense of the word, and people just sitting and staring, not knowing what to do or whether they should act. Haunting!
And of course, the grand finale! So bittersweet. Like the "ocean" that the narrator thought loved them, the dark place dragging them down with sweet promises, turns out to be something much more dangerous than it seems...
Overall, that was such a cool poem!! I'd love to read more from you sometime!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Thank you so much!!! I loved your review! It's a good push for me. I love when people point out the things they loved about my work and give suggestions. It's great to see someone pay attention to the details.
I actually didn't have any inspiration for this poem. I just wanted to write something-
As for the quotes thank you so much! I appreciate it. These will be on my creation board for the next time I write something >,<
You're very welcome!! ^^
This poem powerfully explores emotional overwhelm through vivid drowning imagery. Its fragmented structure mirrors inner turmoil, while moments of hope and despair ebb like waves. Haunting, honest, and evocative, an impactful portrayal of mental struggle.
Thank you for sharing your perception on my poem. I appreciate it ^^
Hi BrownMatter,
I'll be reviewing your poem today. The first thing that caught my eye is the layout on the page. The use of different text alignments reminds me of a printed poetry book, where the layout expands on the authors world and enhances the words on the page. The use of bold text and ellipses furthur highlights certain parts of the text effectively. The simplicity of the poem provides a calm backdrop as the poem explores the complex subject of drowning and death, in part due to the subject's apathy and unwillingness to move.
The only suggestion I have is to explore more diverse word choices. Part of the charm of this poem is its simplicity, but seeomg a couple uncommon or unique words (if you can naturally incorporate them without it seeming like you read a thesaurus) would add a bit more vibrancy to the poem.
The poem's structure seems sound and it flows well without being to choppy. "The ocean consumes me/as my body swells from consuming it/Does it love me?/It treats me with passion/It suffocates me with a kiss" is my favorite stanza and nicely concludes the poem before the final line.
I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep writing
Thank you so much for your review! I will be expanding my vocabulary as you suggested. I hope it wasn't boring. Still, thank you very much ^^