I'll keep fighting this life,
as long as you promise,
that you will be my light.
I can't carry on,
without you,
I'm not strong.
I wouldn't know what to do,
if something ever,
happened to you.
You are my heart,
but forever are we stuck,
miles apart.
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140,685 Literary Works • 673,594 Reviews
Hey there
I found this piece a little bit cheesy... But perhaps I am just not the "love" type.
I liked the way you didn't complicate things for the reader. It was simple, yet so sweet. Now THAT, is a plus point in a writer. Hoping to read more of your work
This is the perfect example of what a heart feels when it involves someone it truly feels for. Short sweet and to the point. It's sweet, great job for a first poem my dear. <3
This wasn't my first poem. This was just simply the first poem that I've written that rhymes. Sorry for the confusion. But yes, I did notice that my poem really didn't have very many details but I still thought that it would be good that way too. Thanks for all the comments! They are, and always have been, very much appreciated!
Hey, BrokenSkye.
This is a great effort with rhyme and I can remember my first poem being somewhat like this. You've used a simple rhyming scheme and a theme that is not taxing for the reader to understand so it's really easy to digest. It's short and has its moments too.
The piece for me however, was quite drab with such minimalistic descriptions and details. Like the reviewers above me have said, try using more adjectives.
You've got great style and rhythm in your poem and overall, with just a little attention to the minor details, you can make this poem better than it already is! You've got great potential and I'm looking forward to reading more. Keep the ink flowing!
Murtuza
As a first poem it was decent. I would say that the rhyming was good, but could use a little diversity. I would try playing a little more with slant rhyme. My main issue with the poem is its lack of descriptive language, it did a good job of conveying what was felt but not how it was felt. Ya know? Minimalism works fine for poets like William Carlos Williams, who did a good deal of describing tangible objects. But, emotion is not really a tangible thing and in order for the reader to truly visualize or immerse themselves in the feeling of the writer they need to be told how to feel it, or they need something to compare it to. But the raw materials were there, obviously you have no qualms about putting your feelings on paper and to me that is 50% of the battle. Talent in poetry, to me, comes from being willing to express feeling, a depth of emotion, and an ability to put on paper how that feeling works or what it is (which can only be learned over time). You must tell yourself that you have what it takes, then put your nose to the grindstone and write some poetry. Keep working and one day it will flower for you.
Thers.
I like how it rhymes and its very easy to understand. Its pretty good for your first poem. One thing you may want to focus on is playing around with more descriptive words and adjectives; they can make your poem an even better read. Great work though
Its not a poem but just an excerpt to a story I'm working on. thanks a ton!
pls take a look at mine too