Daddy, I need to ask you something.
If you love me so much,
than why can't you look me in the eyes?
And see that I am in pain?
Daddy! If you love me so much,
then why can't you see that I bleed?
That I hurt myself,
because you hurt me?
You hurt my soul,
and put me down.
Daddy, can't you see?
That you pushed me too far?
That there is no coming back,
for me, there is nothing.
Nothing but pain.
Pain and blood.
Blood that falls,
falls from my wrists.
But you don't see.
Daddy? Can you even see me?
Can you look me in the eyes,
and tell me that you love me?
I bet you can't.
No wait, I know you can't.
Daddy...you're a liar.
You say that you love me,
but I know that you don't.
Because if you did,
you would be able to look me in the eyes,
and tell me that you love me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Ok, well I have so many reviews to do, but I loved your peice so much that I thought I would review it. I could really relate to this, and I don't think that you need to add any more descrition or anything. It kind of speaks for itself.
Love the final stanza.Hello LoveBug!
Ok, just because I'm your sister doesn't mean I'm going to go easy on you... So... Here you go:
I think it was ok, could use some work, did you get this from reading my poem about dad??
Well, from what you have, its good, I think you need some kind of figure of speech. The flow is off, but I can help you with that...
Here are my nit-picks:
Blue- what I think could change to make the poem, in my opinion, better.
Red- Things that MUST be changed to be grammerly correct.
Pick/Purple- thinks I really like
Green- Additional comments
Now, after this, you should add a metaphor or similie about that goint down.like:
"you send me down
to the pits of hell
were razor blades
slice tissue paper skin
and silken scars
are all that remains"
Something liek that.
Ok, so after this, tell us why he can't.
Good, ending.
Ok, so, over all, this is a good poem, with some work it can be a lot better.
I love you!!
~Rain~
Thank you every one. I wasn't fully finished with it when I posted. But I thought that I had worked out most of the bugs.
This piece is something a lot of people can relate to, me included. I like how you explain how you feel but your not really saying much about the other person. But altogether I thought it was really good and even better because people can relate to your feelings.
i liked it alot...i could really relate to it because I am going through sort of the same thing
Nice piece; I can relate in a whole lot of ways.
I would try to introduce the character to the emotion a bit more though. Really show your anguish; if you're in this relationship, it's probably difficult to address, and this might be your only chance. Really pour it all out. Maybe some examples would help- does he ever show his love, or is really all just lies?
The rhythm was a bit shaky towards the end, and there were some grammatical errors. In using "then" and "than", remember that "than" is always used for comparisons. <---both have a's. Then is always used for time. <---both have e's.
Hope I helped somewhat.
-Coral-