What You Are, Boy.
Together forever,
Do you remember that?
Cause I do.
Its hard to forget,
someone like you.
Someone who plays the game,
but is always last picked.
Someone who loves forever,
but constantly forgets.
Do you even remember my name?
Could you pick me out of the crowd?
Of course not, I was just a toy.
Another little toy that you broke.
A broken toy has no value does it?
No, that's exactly right.
Broken toys are trash,
left to waste in a landfill.
Boy, don’t you try to pull that.
You aren’t innocent.
And everyone can see it on your face.
They see the lies,
all the “I love you baby”
and all the “I’m so sorry” too.
Why tell all those lies,
and wear all the masks you wear?
Are you trying to cover up the truth?
Haven't you realized it's too late?
Everyone knows who you really are.
You’re a heart breaker
that has broken too many hearts.
You’re a player
with no self respect.
Now do you see?
That you are nothing to me?
You are just like a broken toy yourself.
And look, here comes the garbage truck.
Have fun, or don’t, I don’t care either way.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Brokenskyre,
I like the expressions of the piece. I get a sense of the raw emotions that are present here. However, because of the line breaks, it reads a little choppy. Try combining some lines and see where that leads you. For example:
This can easily be combined into one line.
That being said. I really like this stanza.
I wish there were more provocative images like this. There's a lot of voice in this - which is not necessarily a bad thing, but keeps the poem from achieving more, keeps it from being memorable.
I would suggest presenting more imagery into your poems. Use the five senses: touch, taste, feel, smell, see. By describing scene and imagery - poems become much more interactive. You cease to tell a reader a narrative and you begin to have them experience the narrative.
I hope this helps. You certainly have a lot of talent for someone so young. Keep up the writing!
~ as always, Audy
This is good. Just one suggestion though, it's not necessary, but you could try following a more regular pattern so that the words flow off the tongue easier. Otherwise it is very feeling, I got what you were trying to say! I like your writing style as well. It's different from most deep poetry which is nice.