A/N ~ I've kinda made this in a universe where the Japanese learn English as a second fluent language for the sake of the story because the protagonist speaks English and has to go to Japan so yeah, if that makes sense.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy :3
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I stood in front of the tall, grand building, it's windows gleaming under the bright morning sun. It was truly a magnificent sight, which made me grin eagerly. The sounds of kids chatting and laughing filled the air, creating a buzz within my stomach. Breathing out in awe, I whispered, "Hope's Peak Academy."
My mind went back to when I received my invitation letter, stating that Hope's Peak recognised my brilliant talent and wished for me to attend their private school. I had screamed so loud that my sister came to check on me, making sure I hadn't given myself a paper cut for the third time that week. "I got invited!" I had squealed at her whilst flapping my arms excitedly, full of utter joy. It was the best day of my life when I found out that I'd been invited to one of the most prestigious schools in Japan, and even in the whole world. Yes, it would mean being away from my sister for long periods of time and starting anew, but my excitement just forced away my doubts about leaving and kept them at bay.
A week later and here I was, standing in front of this glorious school with a new green backpack hanging off my shoulders and a blue suitcase at my feet, the handle pulled all the way up. I still couldn't believe that out of thousands of other talented young people that i was invited. I mean, yeah, I know that I'm the best at what I do, but why me over someone who may have deserved it more?
Wait, why am I questioning this? I got invited to the best private academy in the world, and I was just standing here doubting the school's decision?
'Jeez, just accept the fact that you're here and move on,' I thought, scolding myself. 'Stop doubting every little thing that-'
"Hey, you gonna stand there all day or what?"
I jumped a little, startled that someone interrupted my inner monologue. My head turned quickly to the right, revealing the source of the voice.
He appeared to be a punk from the style of his attire. Black jeans covered his slim legs, with two belts sitting on his hips. A white t-shirt with a red grunge skull design was covering his torso, a chain necklace hanging from his slender neck. Bringing the whole outfit together was his white biker jacket that had the collar upturned, along with his white and black platform shoes. He had a few piercings, with six on his right ear and one on his chin. His crazy head of bright orange hair stood out with the way it was spiked up, and his goatee was tied with a silver metal band. The bright blue eyes he possessed seemed to pierce right through me, as though he could see into my soul.
"U-um," I stuttered. "I was j-just taking in the view." Clutching the handle of my suitcase tightly, i looked back up at the school and smiled slightly. "I-it's just... Amazing to see it for real." I turned back to the boy, forcing a grin on my face to hide how nervous I was.
Interacting with another person in the same age group as myself was quite... scary. I've only ever talked to my sister and my coworkers, and they've all been either younger or older than me. It's especially more nerve-racking when it's a guy that i have to talk to.
The flame-headed teen put a hand behind his head, looking up at the school himself. "Heh, yeah. It is pretty cool."
Wait, did... Did he just speak to me in English? Well, he did, but... How? Was it a second language here or something? I thought since I was coming to Japan that everyone here would speak Japanese but... I guess not.
"U-uh, you speak English?" I asked, then felt stupid for doing so. Obviously he spoke English, because he talked to me just then, didn't he? I knew I was a bit slow at times, but did it have to be in front of a stranger?
He frowned at me, as if he were saying, 'that's a dumbass question to ask,' but then his eyes widened. "Wait, are you not from around here?" he inquired, putting a hand on his hip.
I shook my head sheepishly. "I come from outside of J-Japan."
"Aw sweet!" I heard him exclaim, then felt his hand land on my shoulder, making me flinch slightly. The guy had a huge grin on his face when he said, "A foreign chick!"
Foreign... chick? Is that what he called me? That's kind of an out-there thing to say to someone you've only just met. Maybe he's just a really outgoing guy?
Hooking his thumbs into his jean pockets, he asked, "So, where ya from?"
"W-well," I looked to the ground, tucking a loose strand of my long, ash blonde hair behind my hair. "I come from the United K-Kingdom."
"Oh yeah? Where abouts?"
"O-oh, um, I'm from S-Scotland." I scratched the back of my neck, which was now covered in a film of swear. 'Wow, I really am nervous,' I thought.
Hearing no immediate response, I glanced up at the punk. His brow was furrowed, as though he were deep in thought. Something seemed to click in his mind and he had that grin on his face again. "Ah! that's where they play bagpipes and stuff, right?"
"Y-yeah."
"Ha! I've never met a Scottish girl before!" He chuckled, then stuck his hand out to me whilst smiling with one eye closed. "The name's Leon Kuwata! Nice to meet ya!"
Leon Kuwata... The name sounded familiar. I think he was on the news one time for playing a sport of some sort. Was it basketball? No, football? He looked like a guy that played football.
I hesitantly took his hand and shook it gently, giving him a timid smile. "E-Emily Robertson." I responded, then bowed politely.
"Emily Robertson, huh? I'll make sure to remember that!" He smiled whilst closing his eyes.
After exchanging names with this guy, I felt a little less anxious.
"Hey, you headin' to the entrance ceremony by any chance?" Leon asked, pointing at my suitcase.
The entrance ceremony?
Crap, the entrance ceremony!
"Ah, of course!" I squeaked, having just remembered that that was where I was supposed to go before I got distracted. "How could I have forgotten?!"
"Well, don't just stand there, c'mon!" The punk grabbed my wrist and started to run, dragging his battered black suitcase behind him. Luckily I still had a grip on the handle of mine, otherwise it would have been left behind. "Don't wanna be late, do we?" He shouted back to me as we shot through the main entrance doors and headed for the school gymnasium.
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Yeah, so I know I'm not the best at writing but I hope this was an okay first chapter ^3^ tell me what you guys think cuz I dunno man XD
And this was also kinda short, so I may make the second chapter longer :3 so yeh
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Hi, my name is jessiebear and I am here to give you a great long review. Oh and if I say anything that is rood in this review please tell me because I don’t mean to be rood at all.
I like the characters so fare to I like there different personalities. I know if all of your characters had the same personality's people will just think the story is lame and boring. So I think you are doing a great job with your story so fare.
Okay let’s get started with what I like about the chapter.
I like the name of the story I think so fare it soots what I have read so great choices of name.
Okay I am now going to start the review.
Okay the words witch are in bold are the words that have been corrected. So it will be long okay let’s start.
There was only a little bit of spelling mistakes so that is a really good start to a great story. Okay this is really good but I think you can describe a little bit more in some places in the chapter like the characters in your story I think you can add little decryptions about what they look like some times when one of them is done talking. And I think you can add some smell and touch to. But that was just a suggestion.
Oh and like I said in the beginning of my review. if you make your characters have the same personality's people will just think the story is lame and boring. and wont read it.
Oh and don't get me wrong your story so fare is really good. I hope I helped you.
So that is all thank you.
From your new friend jessiebear.
Thank you for the review ',:3
I've looked at the mistakes you've pointed out, and the majority are the ones that are slang/short words. Like, instead of using "you" I used "ya" instead.
I just found it funny that you corrected "ya" to "yay" because that wasn't the word I was trying to use XD "ya" was the word I wanted to use.
"gonna" is also a sort of slang/short term for "going to"
I prefer "heh" to "hah" because "hah" just sounds like breathing in my head.
I believe coworkers can be used with or without the hyphen, but I prefer to use it without.
"abouts" is the correct term for what I'm using it for.
"headin'" is just a more casual and shorter way of saying "heading", and it fits the character who's saying it too.
And dinally "wanna" is also a slang/short term for "want to" and, again, it fits the character who's saying it.
I know what you mean by smell and touch. I'm just gonna improve on that as I write more chapters (cuz the first few chapters are about meeting people and I'm not the best at writing lmao)
Yeah the characters can't all have the same personality, and they most certainly won't (yay). Since this is a fanfiction I'll be referring to the characters dialogue that they have in the Danganronpa games, so that I can portray their individuality as best as I can.
If I sounded harsh about pointing out the error in your corrections of my spelling then I do apologise. I just wanted to state that my spelling and use of the words were correct, it's just they're slang terms haha XD
Again, thank you for your review, it means a lot knowing people are actually reading this honhonhon~
(Also, there's two other chapters after this one that are up so yeah, just in case ya wanna read them huehuehue)
I would love to read them and what you said about my review was not harsh at all. I gees you can shorten your words if you want to in your book I gees it makes sense. Oh and I don't think I mean chined this in the review. The pitcher in the beginning of the chapter is a great idea. it coined of helped me get I pitcher of one of the characters in my head. But I don't think that was what it was meant for ha.
But it helped me anyway. So anyway I will read your other two chapters when I get the chains. Oh and just to let you know I have a novel of my own it is called Search for diamond of the deep. but if I was you I wouldn't look at it right now I am busy up grading it maybe when I am done I will send you the link but if you want you can have a look at it.
Anyway I hope you have a good day. Buy
From your new friend jessiebear.
Hi Born (is it alright if I call you that?)! Mage here to do the promised review!
First off: Hello, Leon, we meet again. *glares* I watched the anime, so we're well acquainted.
Let's start with the nitpicky stuff, shall we?
"It's" should be "its" because it's possessive and not a contraction.
The "i" should be capital.
My last piece of advice is to have sentence variety. Have short ones, have long ones, have ones that are two phrases put together - it makes it a lot easier for the reader to read and stay interested in your story.
Alright, I lied. My last piece of advice is to read your story out loud before posting it. Even when I think mine is perfect, I'll read it out loud and notice I put "be" instead of "me".
Now onto the other stuff. Don't worry. Other stuff is good stuff.
This tells a lot about the main character. The reader can infer that Emily either has a nasty history with paper, or that she doesn't usually pay attention to what she's doing. I'm leaning towards the latter, but maybe paper hates her.
This also reveals more about Emily. This means Emily has a job, even though she's in high school. It doesn't narrow the options for what her talent is, but it does keep the reader interested.
Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Oh well oh well oh well, this was unexpected.
I did not expect this aaaaaaaahhhhhh.
Yeah, when you write stuff late at night every night for three days straight then post it the next day there were mistakes to be expected. I was secretly waiting for someone to notice it, huehuehue.
I am so bad at line variety lmao, I'll work on it.
I actually do read my work out loud :3 maybe I'm just bad at finding mistakes lel
Yeah, Emily is quite the busy person, so she doesn't really pay attention to what she's doing sometimes, especially when reading. So yeah, she's a bit clumsy like that.
And she has to have a job! And you won't know until further honhonhon.
Anyways, thank for the review! Really appreciate it!
Oooh, boy, Dangit Ron Paul!
I didn't expect people to find fanfiction about this over here, that's for sure. Still, if you can make it as good as the games themselves, I'll bite.
Not a whole lot happening here but you do a good job at introducing Emily and Leon as well. I particularly like that - at least so far - you're not expecting your reader to be familiar with the universe. That's not something I usually see in regular fanfiction but it's certainly good to have. Just because your story is fanfiction, doesn't mean your pool of readers needs to be limited to people who are already FANS of the stuff, right?
But I digress. Your descriptions flowed well enough though, at times, you might go a bit overboard with details. How much detail constitutes "too much" changes from reader to reader, so it could be nice to exercise a wee bit of restraint.
Small example:
You could quickly eliminate anything relating to his physique by just saying he had a "slim build" at the start. No need to say that she shirt was covering Leon's torso, either - where else would it be, you know? Also, I don' think you need to be so specific with the shirt design. Why not just say it was a "white shirt with a red skull, chain necklace around his neck"?
And while it's pretty clear that Emily is a demure type and is clearly nervous before her new life, does she need to stutter this much? Once or twice is fine but, in my opinion, you went a bit overboard here. Pretty much every one of her lines does this.
I hope we'll see more of her happier side soon as she relaxes (though, knowing the game, that won't happen...) or at least have meat added to her character. Of course, this is too early in the story to pass any decisive judgment.
That's about it. Curb yourself on going overboard with fluff details and don't push personality quirks too far in dialogue.
This has a good start to it and just requires a wee bit of smoothing around the edges. Certainly better than many pieces of fanfiction you usually see!
Keep at it!
Yeah, as others have said, I've put a bit too much detail into the description of characters. It's such a bad habit of mine, but I always do it to cover all my bases. If it ends up overwhelming people I'll strip it back a little to correct it.
And I know what you mean with the stuttering. I think all the other fanfictions I've been reading have had an influence on me XD I'll get around to fixing eventually.
You mention that "knowing the game, that won't happen". Although this is a fanfiction following the characters and events of the game, everything in this fanfic of mine occurs before the 'Tragedy' happens. So, it's set during the two years before the world fell into despair.
It makes the story slightly unrealistic, but as the story goes on there will be little hints of what's going to happen, but that's quite a while away yet! (I haven't even finished chapter 3 yet, holy moly.)
And yeah, thank you for the review! I'll be taking your advice on board and fix my errors where it's needed!
Looks like we got another fanatic here.
ey b0ss, it's awtbeyders, representing the Hermione Granger Appreciation Society (obviously the best grill in the series)
I haven't watched the anime (I heard it's bad) nor have I played the game (I'm poor), so I'll review it without any prior knowledge (and misconceptions) about this franchise.
I personally don't like half-baked anime fanfictions from giddy otaku fangirls, but I'll do my best to be gentle (hue) and to provide valid points instead of just hating on this.
Anyways
When I say half-baked, this fanfiction is really half-baked. It is quite painful to read; ideas are all over the place, the "camera's" views are scattered all around, so many unnecessary details and clutter, and the writing style... my God, you don't know how torturous it was just looking at it. I'd rather have ten Death Eaters torture me with the Forbidden Spell for twenty-four hours straight.
I'll point out the problems you have, and then I'll provide my solution for it.
Problem 1: Unnecessary Details
Where it's found: EVERYWHERE
I like to believe that everyone has their own writing style, but this is way out of proportion.
Example 1:
A week later and here I was, standing in front of this glorious school with a new green backpack hanging off my shoulders and a blue suitcase at my feet, the handle pulled all the way up.
Did you really have to describe everything about her, all the way to the color of her bags? Look, nobody cares about how she looks like, or what her tastes in fashion are, or how she likes her bags. We just want to know how the story goes. It's unnecessary. Judging from the way you described it, I don't see how it can link to her personality or something. If you really, really want to describe it, do it along the way or little by little, not all at once. Maybe you could have another character criticize her bad taste in colors or something.
Example 2:
The entire eighth paragraph. "He appeared to be a punk from the style of his attire..."
This whole paragraph, my God. This paragraphs just kills the momentum of the entire story with its information that could be distributed better. No offense, but once again, nobody cares about how this guy looks, no matter how sexy or hot he is. Come at me, you Danganronpa fanboiz.
Instead of clumping all the details altogether, just give his standout traits in a brief manner. Even just calling him a punk would suffice. I mean, your character doesn't really have much time to describe his entire appearance altogether, so you might want to give what comes into mind when you see him at first. If you want to describe him more, do it little by little, along the way. Maybe his chain necklace clinked a little bit as he spoke.
Problem 2: Over-realistic dialogue (excessive stuttering)
Where: Emily's dialogue
Example:
You know what, I'll just list everything that contains this problem.
"U-um,"
"I was j-just taking in the view."
"I-it's just... Amazing to see it for real."
"U-uh, you speak English?"
"I come from outside of J-Japan."
"W-well,"
"I come from the United K-Kingdom."
"O-oh, um, I'm from S-Scotland."
"Y-yeah."
"E-Emily Robertson."
What in the world? Was it winter that time in Japan and she forgot to bring her winter clothes?
It's not wrong to have realistic dialogue, but it gets boring and flavorless real quick when it's too realistic. We get it. She's nervous. You don't need to overdo it.
Problem 3: How Emily's emotions are displayed
Where: Pretty much everywhere
Example:
I had squealed at her whilst flapping my arms excitedly, full of utter joy.
There are many more, but this is just one example.
This is more of a personal tip from a flash fiction writer, but you don't really need to explain her emotions if the way you display her actions shows it. What I mean is, I can feel that she was excited when she flapped her arms and stuff. Her strange actions showed it, so you don't have to add that "full of utter joy" anymore. Basically, you don't have to elaborate on emotions anymore if your descriptions are well-written.
Take note that this tip is also applicable for dialogue as well.
This is actually just one of the many errors you committed, but I'll just point out a few just to start. PM me if you want to know more.
Also, my apologies if my remarks hurt you in one way or another. I have absolutely nothing against you, I'm just merciless when I review. I'm actually a gentle person in real life lel.
Anyways, apply what everyone around you has said, keep on writing, and I'll see you again in the Green Room. And hopefully, I'll give a more pleased review.
Heheh, thanks for your review :3
As I've told you before I'm most certainly not an otaku fangirl XD I've only watched, like, one or two anime and that's just because they were based on games I liked (Corpse Party was terrible and I liked Danganronpa, but it could've been WAY better).
I do apologise for my style of writing. It's just how I write and I can't really help it... wah.
I mentioned the colour of her bags as a kind of foreshadow to her eye colours (because mismatched eyes huehuehue), but you don't really find out what colour her eyes are until the next chapter, so I wanted to kind of foreshadow and kind of failed, but I tried.
Yeah, I tend to go into WAY too much detail with describing things/characters, it's terrible, but I do it to make sure that all the main points are covered. I'm gonna cut it down a little at some point. Heheh.
Reading other people's fanfictions on other sites has had an effect on me with regards to the realistic dialogue. I never used to write like that but now I suddenly do. God dayum I need to fix that.
AND I need to fix the elaboration of emotions. I knew I was bad at writing, but I didn't realise I was THIS bad XD
I'll take what you've said on board, and hopefully I can improve on my mess of a story XD
Anyway, thanks again!
Actually, I'm really happy that you take the reviews around you like a good sport.
Keep that up b0ssi. That's what makes a good writer.
Hey there yizhongt here to leave a short review. Let me just start by saying that you are getting off to a good start. As far as I can tell, there are no grammar mistakes or spelling mistakes present in your piece of work. The story flowed well and it was easy to read. The descriptions you give are very well written. It makes it easy for the reader to imagine the setting or what a specific character is wearing.
I'm interested to know what is Emily's special talent that got her invited into the school. Looking forward to see how this story develops and plays out. Good work so far. Keep writing!
Thank you very much for your review! Means a lot!