z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 3 - Friend of Royalty | The Performer: A Danganronpa Fanfiction

by BornLoser


 "I never expected you were going to be attending here!"

"The same to you!"

The girl I knew as Sonia brought me into a tight hug, excitement replacing the shock that overcame her before. I hugged her back, embracing her warmth and the smell of her rich, sweet perfume.

"I cannot believe you never told me, Emily!" Sonia pulled away, a huge smile spreading across her face. "I would have expected that you sent me a letter telling me so!"

"Ah, I did send a letter, but you mustn't have received it in time." I shifted in place, awkwardly scratching my cheek. "But why didn't you tell me that you were attending here, huh?"

"It appears that my letter never got to you either." She laughed, a drop of sweat appearing next to her brow. "I did write as soon as I could! I promise you that!"

"It's cool!" I hugged her again, a grin of pure joy surfacing on my face. "I'm just so happy that someone I know is here!"

Just then I remembered that two people were standing by watching, and I got shy again. I pushed myself away from the blonde girl, scratching the back of my neck.

"Hm hm hmm," The small chef behind Sonia chuckled, walking around her so he was beside me, a look of curiosity on his face as he inspected my body. "And who might you be?"

"Ah, Hanamura! Let me introduce you!" My green-eyed friend said giddily, before composing herself again. "This is my very close friend that I was telling you about, Emily Robertson!" She then gestured to me, as though she were presenting a trophy of some sorts.

"Aah," Recognition seemed to spark in the little man's mind, making him snap his fingers. "So you're the performing girl that Miss Sonia speaks so highly of?"

Hugging my arms, I nodded. "Yeah, I'm the, uh-"

"Ultimate Performer!" Nagito stepped up beside me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "She's amazing!"

Sonia giggled, her hair bouncing softly as she did so. "Indeed she is, Komaeda-kun!" She turned to the short cook again. "You should have seen her acting as Lady Macbeth! It was breathtaking!"

"Don't forget her outstanding performance as Sandy in 'Grease'!" Nagito mused, removing his hand from my shoulder and went on to hold my left arm. "That was personally my favourite!"

Why was Nagito holding my arm? I mean, we only just met a few minutes ago. Maybe he was trying to help me feel more comfortable because there was someone here I didn't know? Well, whatever the reason, it was kind of odd, but I left him to hold my arm anyway. What harm could it do?

"Well, it is a pleasure to meet you, Miss Robertson." The chef took a hold of my right hand and kissed the back of it. "My name is Teruteru Hanamura." He looked up at me with a sly grin, then continued to speak. "On the streets, I'm known as the Ultimate Cook, but I prefer to be known as the Ultimate Chef instead. It has more of an... urban feel to it, you know?" He then cocked an eyebrow at me, waiting for my response.

I withdrew my hand from his grip and nodded, taking note of it mentally. 'Ultimate Chef, not Ultimate Cook. Got it.'

The appearance of this small man was rather comical. He had a plump body and wore a classic chef's outfit, which was composed of a white apron with a red undershirt, and a red scarf tied neatly around his neck. His dark brown hair was styled into a pompadour that noticeably leaned to the left, on top of which sat a tiny chef's hat. It was hard to comprehend the colour of his eyes as they were so small in size, resembling the beady eyes of a stuffed teddy bear.

"So, Emily-san," The white-haired boy clinging to my arm piped up. "How do you and Princess Sonia know each other?"

"We met at her Macbeth performance!" Sonia clasped her hands over her stomach, looking at me with sparkling eyes. "I requested that I meet the woman behind Lady Macbeth, so that I could make great conversation with her about her acting abilities!"

Wow. Thinking about that now, that was over a year ago. It was my first Shakespearean play as well, and landing the lead female role was really something. On the day of being Lady Macbeth I performed, got an applause, and left the stage to get back into my casual clothes, ready for the trip home. I didn't get too far out the door, however, as a girl my age dressed head to toe in royal attire charged towards me in the backstage hallway, clapping her hands and squealing excitedly. The girl wanted my autograph and a chat over some tea about all the roles I've been cast as so far, so I agreed. After all, she was a princess.

From that point onwards we became close friends. On the rare occasion that she had free time, Sonia would travel from her kingdom in Novoselic over to Edinburgh to watch me perform, whether it was a Broadway production or another play that intrigued her; whenever I had some time to spare I would travel to her kingdom, where we would chat and take long walks around her garden whilst drinking iced tea. However, when we were busy and still wanted to talk, we would write each other letters every month so that we wouldn't lose touch. It was difficult, but we made it work. It wasn't her fault she didn't own a mobile phone.

"Ah, it was such a wonderful meeting!" Sonia sighed happily as she recalled the night that we met. "It was, as you would say Emily, really awesome!"

I just laughed and nodded in agreement. I still found it weird when she used words that she never normally said.

Teruteru seemed to be muttering to himself, so I turned to ask him what he was saying. Then I noticed his nose was bleeding.

"Oh my gosh! You're bleeding!" I exclaimed, quickly pulling a tissue out of my skirt pocket. "Are you alright? Do you feel dizzy?"

He was just giggling to himself now, his eyes bigger than they were before. I held the tissue up to his nose and tilted his head back a little. "Just hold your head like that until the bleeding stops, okay?"

"It's quite alright Emily!" Sonia came over to me and pulled me away from the now sweaty cook. "When we were conversing before it happened too, but he was back to normal after a short period of time!"

"U-um, do you need any h-help?"

We all turned in the direction of the timid voice and saw a nurse standing there, her uneven hair sticking out all over the place.

"Ah, we're quite alright Tsumiki-san!" Nagito assured her with a smile on his face. "Hanamura-san just had a noesebleed and-"

"I'll take c-care of it." She said firmly before gently taking the plump boy away, who just kept muttering and laughing to himself.

'He must be a slight oddball.' I thought.

"Emily!" Sonia sang as she grabbed both of my hands with hers. "We have so much that we must catch up on! Let us go and converse over tea!"

Although I wanted to have a nice chat with my good friend, something inside me just told me to reject her proposition. After all, there were still some people to meet. Speaking of which, I wonder who I should talk to next?

"Ibuki knows who you are!"

I jumped at the loud voice that spoke out of nowhere, and I turned to see the colourful-haired girl from earlier. Jeez, can people just stop scaring me already?

Next to this girl was a guy with pink hair, whose shark-toothed smile made goosebumps appear on my skin. How in the world could he have shark teeth?!

"Hey, Ibuki, chill!" He tried to hold her still by her shoulders as she was jumping up and down eagerly, but it didn't work. The girl just ran towards me and knocked me to the floor.

"Ibuki is a big fan of yours!" She cheered.

The air was knocked out of me as I made contact with the floor, with this Ibuki girl on top of me. "Ulgh!"

"E-Emily-san!"

"Please get her off of me!" I managed to choke out.

Two pairs of hands pulled the punk girl off of me, followed by the shark guys hands helping me to my feet. He checked me over to make sure I was fine.

"I'm okay, but that's probably gonna kill me later." I said with a hand on my lower back.

"Mioda-san, you need to be careful next time!" Nagito frowned at the wild female, who was now twirling on the spot. I think his words just went in one ear and out the other.

"Ibuki couldn't help herself! Emily-chan is, like, super adorable!"

The pink-haired guy laughed awkwardly, shoving one hand in to the pocket of his neon yellow jumpsuit.

"Emily, if needed I will take you to see a nurse!" Sonia said. "After all, you are rather fragile, and we cannot have you getting any bruises on your first day!"

I shook my head. "It's fine, I'm not dying or anything, so it's cool."

"Hey!" Shark boy shrieked at me. His finger was pointing right at my face, and he looked rather annoyed. "Don't joke about stuff like that to Miss Sonia! She's only trying to help!"

"Souda-chan!" The crazy girl playfully elbowed him. "Ibuki thinks that Emily-chan jokes like that because she is already close to the pretty princess!"

"Huh?!" He looked rather shocked, and his expression made me giggle a bit. Keeping his finger pointed at me, he shouted, "Hey! Don't laugh at me!"

"Ibuki is right." Sonia spoke up.

"Anyway," the white-haired boy pushed the finger that was pointing at me away. "Why don't you two introduce yourselves? After all, you're total strangers to Emily-san."

The colourful girl twirled once more before posing extravagantly. "I'm Ibuki Mioda, the Ultimate Musician! And no need for formalities! Just call me Ibuki!"

"Um, hi." I smiled whilst tugging the sleeves of my grey jumper down over my fists.

"And this is-"

"I can introduce myself!" The boy huffed at Ibuki, then a huge grin appeared on his face as he turned to me. "Name's Kazuichi Souda. I'm the Ultimate Mechanic." He brought his hands behind his head and continued to grin at me with his eyes closed. "Nice to meet ya!"

"I'm Emily Robertson, the Ultimate Performer." I bowed slightly, then smiled at them both. "It's very nice to meet you."

"Eek! Emily-chan you're just so cute!"

I blushed, not really used to being called that. I knew that I was pretty, sure, but cute? The possibility never crossed my mind.

Meeting all of these people was quite tiring. I never thought that just talking with others would drain me of my energy. Then again I skipped breakfast this morning because I had butterflies in my stomach, so that might explain my lack of energy.

Well, that's just an excuse I've given myself for not eating anything this morning, but I know the real reason why - I just hate to admit it.

"H-hey, are you alright?" I heard Kazuichi ask as he scratched his face that was full of worry. "You don't look too well all of a sudden."

"Yeah, I... skipped breakfast."

"What?!" They all exclaimed.

"It's okay, I'm fine." I held a hand to my head as I started to feel dizzy. My vision was getting fuzzy too.

"Emily? Are you sure-"

The last thing I heard was people calling my name as I fell. Then I blacked out.

-----------------------------------------------------------

God dammit Emily

*eternal sigh*


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Thu Jun 30, 2016 8:56 am
WitheringHyacinth wrote a review...



So, the chapter continues from a cliffhanger and ends with yet another one. Not that I personally have anything against cliffhangers, but it doesn't really count as a cliffhanger, given there isn't a lot at stake so far and so it just seems like...hanging.

I find the character introductions a bit tedious, because they focus a lot more on appearance than their role in the plot. They go as far as describing dress attire, to show that these characters wear their personalities on their appearance, which is quite shallow /in my opinion/.

The story is written like an anime, which, /in my opinion/, is a bit annoying, since it uses anime clichés more than anything else. I get that it is an anime fanfiction, but you could check a majority of light novels, which often get adapted into anime and see how they're written.

The dialogue is also a bit weird with the use of honorific, which can be translated accordingly and only need to be noted when making an emphasis on a character's politeness. And some of the dialogue tags are inaccurate, e.g. using 'said' when the characters exclaim or stutter.

Other than that, the story is rather good.




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Mon Jun 27, 2016 8:05 pm
Aley wrote a review...



Hey BornLoser,

I think you've got a good way of going about introducing characters, but it's a bit of an info dump. Next time, consider spacing out character introductions over time with different chapters. Do about 3 characters the first chapter, and from there, just do a few, like one or two, at a time as they come into the plot. That'll give you a better story flow as you have things going on as characters are introduced instead of all of them crowding up a hall.

That being said, I like that you have unique voices for each of these characters. They have little dialogue quirks that allows them to be unique and let us hear them no matter who is speaking. It means you don't really need dialogue tags to tell the difference between Emily who's more reserved and Sonia, who speaks more properly. Good job.

As for what to fix? I think your writing style could use a little trimming. You might want to just do this in the editing stages, but I think you should consider trying to adapt your writing away from this pattern you have of using useless filler language like the examples I'll go into in a minute. Writing should be bare bones, so you say what you need to say, you describe what you need to describe, and you move on. You don't linger on someone hugging someone else as they're doing it. It's a quick moment and not that important unless they're getting pickpocketed, and you're in the pickpocket's head. Then you'd want to linger on it, but otherwise no. What I'm seeing in your writing is that you use filler words which make sentences longer and more complex uselessly. Here are some examples.

The girl I knew as Sonia brought me into a tight hug, ...


I find this type of language useless because while it might sound right, and might be right, it's slow. "The girl I knew as Sonia hugged me tightly ... " so what's the difference? Well "brought" is the main verb in your sentence, but it's not really what happened in the sentence, hugging is what happened. If you want a softer hug, then you use embrace, if you want a tight hug, you use squeezed, if you want to describe how a cupcake is transported from one table to another, you use brought. I feel like using "brought" elsewhere just slows down the flow of the novel.

Well, whatever the reason, it was kind of odd, but I left him to hold my arm anyway.


If she "left him" that technically means she moved away from him, but she didn't do that. This is another case where your language is getting in your way. Just say she ignored it, or she allowed it, or something like that actually meaning what you want to say which is she didn't push him away, she let him hold her.

If you can change the way you're writing and use more active verbs, and better verbs to describe what you want to say, you're going to get a more in the moment story that's easier to read. So remember, use your language effectively. Think about it like when you learned to write. You didn't say the dog had obtained the ball he brought me, you say the dog brought me the ball, or even the dog caught the ball. Use active verbs to describe things as they're going on. If someone's smiling, say they're smiling. It's as simple as that even though sometimes it gets complex for other reasons.

So overall, good job. I really like how your characters are developing and expressing themselves. You have a good sense of voice in this chapter and I enjoy that. Keep going.

Aley




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Thu Jun 02, 2016 2:31 pm
Kazumi says...



oh sh*t a plot twist

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)





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