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Young Writers Society


12+

Butterfly Wings - Chapter 1 - Damp

by BlackThorne


Ugh. Hmm.

She’d been staring at it for ten minutes now.

What was she doing?

Samples. Samples. Right. Of the...stuff...

The plastic bag crinkled in her hand as she picked one of the growths from the wall. It felt like tearing off a wing off a butterfly. A butterfly. It looked oddly like a butterfly wing. So many butterflies. They clustered around the wall corner, dripping water. They sprouted like little leaves from the moldy mycelium blossoming on the walls. Why didn’t they flap their wings?

What was she doing?

Juliette clutched her forehead. She had a headache.

Slipping the wing into the sandwich bag, she went to look for some aspirin.

* * *

His eyes glistened like molasses as he took in a deep breath of the smell. Of that moment That gleaming, shining moment. He rolled the memory over in his mind like a candy in his mouth, savoring the sweetness as it melted. He almost felt like he was still there, as he tugged slightly on the photo, half-trying to pull it out of the paper.

It was an okay photo. Kind of blurry. But a souvenir for sure. A souvenir of perfection.

About a week ago, they’d gone on a family trip to the Rockies...or was it something else? Ferris couldn’t quite remember. But that wasn’t important.

He could still feel it as if he was there. The delicious soreness of his muscles after the hour’s climb. The righteous sweat under his clothes. The blood filling his cheeks as the icy mountain air stung at his ears. He could almost feel the chill. The zzzzzzzt of him unzipping his backpack and grabbing a crinkling Hershey’s bar. His family’s faces shining bright as stars as they crowded together at the top of the mountain for a picture. The warmth as their clothes pressed together. The rich brown gleam and creamy chunks of the chocolate melting in his mouth, as his face glowed, and a thumb tapped down on the red circle, capturing the perfect moment forever.

That was what was important. It was the most important thing in the world.

But it was over.

His eyes unfocused. Had it always been this humid…?

* * *

Chop

Chop

Chop

Where were they? He could smell them. He could feel their tart acidity stinging in his eyes. He could feel the moistness of the grainy cutting board. He was cutting them, wasn’t he? Why else would he still be moving the knife?

But there were no onions. It’d been an hour since he’d finished cutting them.

His hand stung. Had he cut himself instead of his onions? It couldn’t be that deep. No, it was fine. He had to keep cutting them. He needed to make dinner.

Stains of blood stained the cutting board, and more dipped from his bleeding hand. The metallic smell mingled the smell of the onions, the small white heap of shavings piled neatly on the other side of the chopping block. The smooth orbs that had birthed them were gone. A few of the chunks looked a bit pink.

The knife clattered back onto the cutting board. He weakly leaned back against the fridge, looking at his dripping hand. It looked like something was growing inside. He groaned. His head felt all...fuzzy…

“I need…” he whispered soundlessly, “...to help Mom make dinner...I…”

Flan staggered over to the crockpot. It oozed full of raw meat sprinkled with chopped carrot. The pink, bleeding slabs hung with rubbery yellow fat and had a few flies inspecting with their bristly black feet. Ugh. He shooed them away with a lazy wave of his hand and pressed his palms into the edge of the stove. Still looking inside the pot. It was full...the crockpot already had...stuff in it......was it ready already?

He listlessly reached his hand into the pot and plucked out a piece of raw beef, and ate it like an animal.

* * *

A fly landed on Daffodil’s finger. Black, bristly, and buzzing, the slight tickle against her skin suddenly sent her on a slow rise out of oblivion, jellylike and oozing, like a bubble in a travel bottle of shampoo. It was like rising out of molasses. But she did. Slowly.

Daffodil became dimly aware of the wilted petals between her fingers. They were brown and crackly like an old layer of paint. Grindingly, like a glacier starting to shift across a landscape, awareness dripped back into her limbs. Words to make sense of where she was. She was sitting. She could feel her flesh pressing into a chair, her muscles squeezed in a sitting position. She was at a table, a wooden one. There were wilted petals between her fingers. There was an aching hollowness in her stomach. Hunger had rooted in the emptiness like a weed.

How long had she been sitting here? Hardly breathing, motionless, staring into nothing?

There was a pitcher in her hand, with an inch of water in it.

She looked up. Soft clouds of decay floated in her eyes, a tangle of dead flowers. The passionate red roses had hardened into closed, crackly flakes of wine granite, the cherry blossoms dropped their rotting petals onto the tabletop. The royal petals of deep purple irises were thin garlic peels stained with brown and bleached lily petals hung from the flower heads like rotten banana peels. Brittle stems of withered peonies rattled in the drafts and dropped orchid blossoms crumbled into dust.

It was a graveyard.

One part of her wondered why all these flowers were here, another sobbed. She’d spent her life tending to the flowers. And they’d died because she forgot the water them.

Her head felt clouded and spinning. Wobbling, she got to her feet. She needed to eat something, or she might wither, too.

* * *

It was late afternoon, that cooled the warm highways and began to melt the light from the sky as the sun sank down towards the hills. A crisp breeze whistled across those warm highways. Those warm highways that were void of cars.

That was good for Ciana, because she’d wandered under an overpass and was not obviously aware.

The plastic belly of a spray bottle bumped against her legs as she rubbed a threadbare washcloth against the concrete. The mint-green road signs flashed above her. Her were glazed and she was mumbling something under her breath.

“Just a little more...missed a spot...there...wait...missed a spot...just a little more…”

Her sandals shifted constantly on the asphalt. A cloud of locks creamy pale like buttermilk floated around her head and a teal dress fluttered around knee-length socks, now torn to shreds like gift wrapping. The highway gleamed, slightly moist in the humidity.

Suddenly, she swayed back, limbs slowing flailing like a ballerina in a music box, craning her neck to look at the sky.

“...Oh ...a butterfly…”

A daytime moon hung in the saturated blue sky, as milkiness seeped into craters and washed over the smooth lunar surface, and slate-gray clouds laced the edges. But the haze of daylight did nothing to quell the wave of panic that rippled through her.

Did nothing to stop that pale light, that awful pale light that spilled into her eyes, sizzling like a twisted sort of milky magma.

Not again…

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to keep still and stop vibrating as a sensation like electricity shook through her, making her bones buzz and sparks sputter from between her eyelids. It was like trying to hold shut a plastic bag of water, too much, too much as it bulged and dribbled out. But she held it in, and finally the feeling ebbed, leaving her confused and empty as she was before.

It seemed like there was...some reason...that this shouldn’t be real. That it wasn’t possible.

But she just couldn’t remember why. She couldn’t remember much of anything. In this new face of life, reality was void.

* * *

Hmm…

Why...why was it cold...the noodles were just..warm...ah…Did I take too long eating them

But she hadn’t eaten them yet. They sat, limp in the cold, carbohydrate bathwater, gently shifting like little worms, coiled like squiggles of DNA. Her freshly washed fork gleamed lifelessly next to it on the table.

What was she doing?

Starling looked across the table. There was some sort of broken machine. The metal skin was peeled away like cornhusk, showing the innards of clockwork and branching wire. Glowing hearts blinked like christmas lights and transformers sizzled with electricity. Honeycombs of switchboard and disconnected plugs were strewn across the table. At first glance she could almost feel the memory of her long fingers plucking out wires. At her second it was gone, and the machine was incomprehensible. But it must’ve been hers, right? Why had she forgotten…?

She pushed back her chair and swayed onto her heels. The room didn’t seem right. Did she know it…?

Why was she standing in an inch of water?

* * *

“Ah..Mom…” said Flan, wandering dazedly to his parent’s room. His mom wasn’t there but she was on the couch in the next room. He didn’t see her. His footsteps skidded on the slick floor and his mouth was stained with the blood of the raw meat, making him smell of rust. “I...made the dinner…”

Mom turned her head slowly, as if the air was molasses.

“Good...should I..call,” she said, “um...whoever else lives here…”

“We all forget sometimes.”

“Yeah. We do.”

“It’s very...moist in here.”

“Yeah. Must be...rain…”

She trailed off again.

“Rain.” He nodded. “What’s your name again…?”

“I forget…”

* * *

When the blackout happened, everyone felt it, and it happened quickly, like this:

zzzt

FLASH

Lights off. 

“Oh,” said Flan.

“Oh,” said Juliette

“Oh,” said Ferris.

“Oh,” said Daffodil.

“Oh,” said Ciana.

“Oh,” said Starling.


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62 Reviews


Points: 31
Reviews: 62

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Sat Sep 19, 2020 2:45 pm
RadDog13579 wrote a review...



Hi @BlackThorne, RadDog here! This is a really creepy chapter. I love how you managed to have a very abstract chapter with lots of perspective changes but also made it very readable and super easy to understand. That being said, it was a little bit confusing in some places but for the most part it was good. I don't have much else to say, it was a good first chapter but could introduce the characters better. That's all from me! Until next time, happy writing!

-RadDog



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BlackThorne says...


Thank you! :) Any specific places you found confusing?



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Sun Mar 22, 2020 2:37 am
starlitnight wrote a review...



woah this is a piece of art honestly! i love the way the characters all seem like zombies. you captured their slow decent into madness beautifully. it all started when they interacted with a butterfly yeah? no one would suspect that at all! i do hope i'm getting the flow of the story right ehehh.

i can't wait to see where this goes! it's a really beautiful piece ^w^

also will this be filled with angst??



Random avatar
BlackThorne says...


thank you, you're very kind! so far in the story it's not revealed how the plague started. I'm not entirely sure what you mean by angst, but if you mean emotional moments, there are some, but I wouldn't say the story is really filled with them.



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Thu Jan 09, 2020 4:55 pm
jster02 wrote a review...



Alright, so it's pretty clear that everyone here is already infected by the butterfly wing virus. You did a good job of capturing how the disease is affecting everyone without directly mentioning it by describing how everyone slowly forgets who they are and what they're doing. The scene with the guy chopping his own fingers into the onion bowl shows the how all the characters are starting to space out, and the part with the lady scrubbing the asphalt on the highway made me realize just how far gone some people already are.

It's interesting how you made no real effort to introduce us to the characters before they were infected, leaving the readers feeling just as confused as the people in the story about what exactly is going on. This is kind of a double edged sword; on one hand, it helps us better relate to the way the characters are feeling, but it also leaves us without a good understanding of who the characters really are. I found myself wondering if the story would've benefited from a chapter or two at the beginning introducing us to the main characters before they start feeling the effects of the infection. This isn't so much a complaint as it is an observation, as I still think this opening chapter is good as it is. It's your story, so it's really up to you how you want to tell it.


Anyways, there were a few things I noticed that I felt could be changed to make the story flow better. For one thing, in the section where Ferris looks at the old photo of his family in the rockies, I got a little confused in the paragraph where he describes all the "important parts" of that experience, specifically the first few sentences:

The delicious soreness of his muscles after the hour’s climb. The righteous sweat under his clothes. The blood filling his cheeks as the icy mountain air stung at his ears.


These sentences all lack verbs. This isn't always a bad thing. For example, the sentence, "Kind of blurry," is fine, because we understand that there is an implied, "It was," at the beginning to satisfy the verb requirement. But with the group of sentences above, it is unclear what action is being taken. I was left wondering, "what about the soreness of his muscles, or the sweat under his clothes? Is he remembering them? Feeling them now? What exactly is going on here?" It took me a while to figure out that he was even still talking about the picture in his hand, let alone the things he thought were important about that trip.

One way to fix this would be to make this all one sentence, and start it with something to the effect of "he could still feel...". You might do this with the other sentences like it in the paragraph too, because most of the sentences that make it up follow the same structure as these first three.

He could still feel the delicious soreness of his muscles after the hour’s climb, the righteous sweat under his clothes, the blood filling his cheeks as the icy mountain air stung at his ears...


This would also allow you to remove the sentence that reads:

He could almost feel the chill.


This sentence seems a little out of place in that paragraph, as it is structured differently than all the others. By saying "he could still feel," at the beginning of the paragraph, this detail would be implicit, and there would be no need to mention it at all.


That section aside, there were a couple sentences that felt a little redundant. I'll just list them quickly below:

Juliette clutched her forehead. She had a headache.
Slipping the wing into the sandwich bag, she went to look for some aspirin. She hadn’t been feeling well lately.


You could delete the second bolded sentence and it wouldn't have any effect on the way the reader perceives the story. The fact that Juliette isn't feeling good has already been established by the fact that she has a headache, so you don't have to say it again.

as he tugged slightly on the photo, as if trying to pull it out of the paper.


The word "as" is used once too many times here. You may want to replace one of them with something else.


Those are pretty much the only gripes I had about this chapter, everything else was great. Once again, your ending seems like it'll lead quite nicely into the next chapter, really liked how everyone said the same thing at once at the end there. Hope to read the next part soon! Have a nice day,

-Jster



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BlackThorne says...


thanks! I appreciate the review :)



jster02 says...


You%u2019re welcome!



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Sat Jan 04, 2020 3:27 pm
MadagascarMaiden wrote a review...



How sad and tragic is this story? I sure hope it has a happy ending. I mean, everybody we’ve met are being eaten from the inside out, from a disease that was released by a meteor melting some ice. It seems like it will have a terribly sad ending. This story has caught my eye so much that I have no choice but to keep reading. Keep up the good work.



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BlackThorne says...


As apocalypse-type stories go, I'd go it's going to be pretty tragic. (spoilers) the ending, though, in theory is a happy ending, but it's also written to be very sad as well. :P




Remember: no stress allowed. Have fun, and learn from your fellow writers - that's what storybooks are all about.
— Wolfical