z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Butterfly Wings - Chapter 16 - Sink

by BlackThorne


Aaron leaned against the chiseled wood of the telephone pole, waiting. Daffodil sat on the sidewalk. It was studded with bent nails and staples. He wasn’t sure where they were from, or what the telephone pole was for. He asked Daffodil, and she said she wasn’t sure, but she could remember that people sometimes stapled or sf things to telephone poles, and that they held up wires that conducted electricity. Then she’d asked him why everything was so unfamiliar to him, things seemed at least a bit familiar to her. He’d said he wasn’t sure.

He wasn’t sure, but he had suspicions. Ever since he’d that dream, the one with the deer. He’d begun to suspect that waking up half-rotted under leaves wasn’t normal. He’d begun to suspect the slight smell of decay and the parts of him that felt numb weren't normal. He’d begun suspecting something about the child that had fallen from the window and died fifteen years ago.

“How long until they get here?” he asked.

“Soon,” she said.

“Do you know them?”

“No,” she said. “But we’re all confused right now. We need all the help we can. We all just want to know what’s going on.”

He looked up at the telephone wires. Some lengths were deadened and lifeless, and swung in the air like cobwebs. Others crackled with shocks. Birds stuck to them, roosting on them and burning with white sparks. They clotted together on the wires and dropped rotted feathers onto the pavement.

Some people came over.

“You want to use our cable car, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you paying in food or clothes”

“Food. One second.” Daffodil pulled open the mouth of a tote bag and pulled out some granola bars from her house.

“Good. Follow us.”

They took them to some steps to a roof. They were at eye level with the power lines now, the ones didn’t have power in them. A wobbly ferris wheel car swung from it, ripped from a fair ride. There was a wheel that helped it roll across the cable.

“Is this safe?”

The person shrugged. “There's no other way across. Not since the bridge collapsed.”

They climbed in.

creak creak creak creak creak creak creak creak creak

The car began to move down the power line.

creak creak creak creak creak creak creak creak creak

The air whistled past Aaron’s skin. He felt like he was going to fall. Which was strange, because usually he didn’t have a sense for these things. He felt very, very scared.

creak creak creak creak creak creak creak creak creak

Daffodil stepped out of the car first, then Aaron. Their feet hit another roof. Aaron’s eyes were dull. His heart was swimming with fear, his head was swimming with branch-laced sky, and his nostrils were full of the smell of blood and dead leaves.

“Come on.”

He shook his head, trying to dispel the shakiness of his limbs. They climbed down another flight of stairs and stepped onto the pavement. It was very warm here, and the warmth seemed to make things clearer, like a fog had been lifted.

The air was warm and smelled like a campfire. That’s because there were a lot of them here. They crackled and popped out of corners and rifts, knobbled twigs and branches smoldering, clusters of leaves curling and blackening in plumes of smoke. The gray of stone and smoke mingled with the gold of flames that licked at the walls as they added more sprigs from decorative bushes and trees. It was if it was suddenly a hot summer afternoon.

They kept walking.

The campfires thinned. The air cooled. The smoke cleared, their heads clouded. Daffodil put her sweater back on, shivering. There were less people now.

“Hey,” said one of them.

“Hello. What is it?”

“You’re going to somewhere near the subway, right? Near the parking garage?”

“Yes?”

“Well, the lower levels are flooded right now. They’re spilling out onto the street. You might want to take another way around.”

“Okay. We’ll keep an eye out.”

They kept walking. They saw the parking garage. It loomed above them, layers of darkness oozing from between the flashing silver concrete. Clusters of butterfly wings crawled out from the cracks, dripping water. There was a slight gurgling sound.

“Is it really flooded?”

“I’ll check.”

Aaron peered down into the lowest level.

The inky black waters swirled below. Ropes of rushing water surged over each other and tangled like fighting serpents, a boiling, bubbling storm in a pot of pavement, stripping off the layers of white paint and tossing empty soda bottles and plastic storage bins. He could hear the water rushing, slipping against the walls. He could also hear someone screaming.

There was someone there, in one of the plastic bins swimming in the maelstrom, splattered with flecks of foam and hair whipped by the winds.

Aaron looked at Daffodil in alarm. “Someone’s there! What do we do? Could we reach?”

“Maybe. Let me try…”

She reached out her arm, leaning out precariously over the whirlpool below. The bin swirled closer. Her fingers were outstretched, reaching. She could grab it! Her palm gripped the edge and pulled, against the current to shore…

But her hand rippled through as though it was water. She fell in and barely felt the splash.

It was quiet, and dark. Water whistled through her like wind, and light filtered through the surface, the distant surface of the water that swirled distantly over her head. Bubbles swam past her like minnows and her hair brushed her face as it floated in the currents. The cement floor of the parking garage was cold under her feet. She knew water was pressing down on her, and tossing her like a ragdoll. It was supposed to, anyway. Like she was supposed to have been able to touch the rim of the plastic bin. But here she was, standing on the bottom floor of a parking garage with the floods swirling through her as easily as air. She could look up and see the silver-lined tides rippling over her head.

She saw something circulating through the currents. One of the granola bars they’d saved.

Thank you, Aaron.

She grabbed at it and bit down, and she began to feel the water rushing over her, and feel the rushing water pulling her towards the light, as it filled her nostrils and lungs and feeling sizzled into her limbs. She grabbed onto the bin, and her grip held. With a gasping, spluttering heave, she pulled it to the edge and handed it off to Aaron, where he was able to pull it to the edge. She lay face down on the ground, water trickling off of her and pooling into puddles on the pavement.

Finally she sat up. Aaron was staring at her earnestly, and the now-rescued boy was trying to smooth out his hair.

“I was building a mountain,” he said. “My name’s Ferris.”

“A mountain?” she said.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I was collecting stones, and fitting them all together into a mountain, a beautiful mountain, where I can stand at the top, and I recreate it…”

“It-? What is-a mountain, you said? Where?”

“On the bridge, but it collapsed…”

“Seems everything’s falling apart,” said Daffodil.

But Aaron remembered where they’d been going to and why, his dream, the Oracle, the sticky notes. “Maybe so,” he said, “But everything also seems to be coming together.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
289 Reviews


Points: 304
Reviews: 289

Donate
Sun Aug 30, 2020 4:48 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!

I haven't read any other chapters so this is from fresh eyes.

I'll point things out as I read-

'Ever since he'd that dream, with the deer' = 'Ever since he'd had that dream with the deer' but also you could use a semi-colon before to join the two sentences as this isn't a complete sentence on its own.

'They took them to some step to a roof' = I'm not sure what this is supposed to be. 'They took them to some steps towards a roof'?

Also, who is 'they' and who is 'the person'? Is there more than Daffodil and the male character here? Also, I don't know if the lack of name for the male character is intentional throughout the novel but if not, it would be best to add it as I'm about a third of the way through the chapter at this point and still don't know who 'he' is.

Ah, his name's Aaron. This should be mentioned within the first paragraph of a new chapter.

'the air was warm, and the air smelled like a campfire' ='The air was warm and smelled like a campfire'.

'"Hey," said one of them = '"Hey", someone called over.

Also, this altercation is very disjointed. A bit of action and description around the dialogue would help.

'water trickling off her' = this sounds odd. If she was underwater it would be more like 'water ran off her in sheets' or something to that effect.

'the boy' = mention he's the boy from the bin.

Hope this helps :)



Random avatar
BlackThorne says...


fun fact, I actually wrote this for nanowrimo last year, originally, which is the reason for some of the...typos, haha. I edit it before posting but some stuff still gets past me, thanks so much for the tips! :D


Random avatar
BlackThorne says...


fun fact, I actually wrote this for nanowrimo last year, originally, which is the reason for some of the...typos, haha. I edit it before posting but some stuff still gets past me, thanks so much for the tips! :D


Random avatar
BlackThorne says...


fun fact, I actually wrote this for nanowrimo last year, originally, which is the reason for some of the...typos, haha. I edit it before posting but some stuff still gets past me, thanks so much for the tips! :D



User avatar
91 Reviews


Points: 2400
Reviews: 91

Donate
Sun Aug 30, 2020 3:05 pm
MoonIris wrote a review...



Hi BlackThorne,
Ițm here to review another one of your lovely chapters. I liked this chapter as much as I liked the past one. I like the action of it and those last lines:
" “Seems everything’s falling apart,” [...] “But everything also seems to be coming together.” "
It's so exciting! Could you tag me when you post your next chapter? :)
Now for grammar.
"nailed things to telephone poles, and that "
There is no need for a comma after poles.
"“Soon.” she said."
After soon you should add a comma. When you end a dialogue ligne and you want to add information you use a comma.
"No.” she said. “But we’re all confused right now."
Here as well after no.
"lifeless, and swung in the air like cobwebs"
After lifeless you don't need a comma.
"because usually he didn’t have a sense for these things."
You should add a comma after usually.
"to make things clearer, "
You don't need a comma here.
"The air cooled. The smoke cleared"
It should be air-cooled.
"There were less people now."
I think you should change less to fewer.
"It was quiet, and dark"
No need for comma after quiet.
"What is-A mountain, you said?"
A doesn't have to be capitalized.

I really liked your story and I hope I will get to read more of it. I hope my review helped you and didn't offend you in any way,
MoonIris.



Random avatar
BlackThorne says...


Thanks for the tips! :) Could you elaborate, though, on the correction from "air cooled" to "air-cooled"?



MoonIris says...


As far as I know, you need to write it air-cooled because cooled brings information about the air but it%u2019s also the verb of the sentence. So grammatically you are supposed to write it like this. Feel free to tell me if you disagree.


Random avatar
BlackThorne says...


It's just that i've never heard the term "air-cooled" used in that way before, I don't really get it, but I'm kind of intrigued. How does the hyphen come in?



MoonIris says...


Well, I know that when the verb brings information on the noun you use the hyphen.


Random avatar
BlackThorne says...


Yes, but written that way "air-cooled" would be treated as a single unit of an adjective. You can't make a sentence out of a subject and adjective.



MoonIris says...


Well no but cooled is not the verb of the sentence?


Random avatar
BlackThorne says...


Then what is??? "The air cooled." is literally the whole sentence...?




cron
A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language.
— W.H. Auden