Under The Street- Chapter One

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I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue writing this story, so I wanted to see what everyone thought.

Addie’s breath was shivery as her eyes groped through the velvety darkness. As quiet as possible, she pulled back the many layers of blankets and felt the brisk air sting her skin. Her toes grazed the frozen floor but recoiled. Suddenly, she wanted nothing more than to bundle back up into her covers and sleep. It seemed the best way to get rid of the cold and dark that frightened her.

Addie eyes slid over to the other bed that was crammed into a corner. A heaving shape was nestled tightly into a sea of blankets. Good, Addie thought. She stretched out her leg bravely, and reached for the ground. She winced as the chilled wood seemed to grab her foot.

Addie, popsicle-toed, crept silently out of the room. She peered in the moon streaked hall, afraid that something would jump out at her at any moment. She turned down a hall that was filled with the iridescent glow coming from the wide window. One window was slightly ajar, and from it wind whistled ominously. Addie shivered, wishing she had thrown on a coat.

Tip-toeing, Addie made her way to the window. Climbing up onto the tall bench, she knelt so she could look out the window properly. “Adias,” she whispered, pulling open the window. Her russet curls billowed behind her as the wind tore at her eyes. She poked out her head, and her nose turned pink in the cold. In no time, a tiny, bedraggled figure landed on a heap in her hair. Addie smiled and gently scooped the being into her cupped hands.

She drew her small hands closer to see the slumped thing in her hand. “Adias, why did you come on a night like this?” she scolded.

The creature called Adias laid his head in the wonderfully warm grooves of Addie’s palm. “To please you,” he replied breathlessly.

Addie looked touched but soon returned to her lecturing state. “What a silly thing to do. If I were you, I wouldn’t have dared gone out in that!” she cried, her eyes flickering to the window.

“But you were expecting me to come Mistress Adriana,” Adias argued.

Addie groaned. “For the thousandth time, don’t call me Mistress!” Addie’s nose scrunched up in disgust as she said the word. “It’s so unnatural. And you know I hate when people call me by my real name.”

Adias pretended to be offended. “But I am not considered a natural person, now am I, Mistress Adriana?” He fluttered one of his tired wings lightly, the other tuck under his delicate, lying body. And though he was tired, he obviously had enough energy to talk to Addie with his usual spunk.

Suddenly, he stiffened. “Someone’s coming,” he said almost inaudibly.

Addie, who had waited for this moment the second she began her secret nighttime meetings with her little friend, clasping him inside her hand. She could feel his angry breath on her fingers as she turned around at the speed of lightening.

“Addie, who are you talking to?” Addie’s sister, Lina, mumbled, whose sleepy face shone in the moonlight.

“Err… my imaginary friend… Fred,” Addie replied a little too quickly.

Lina’s eyebrow shot up. “Fred?” she blew an amused puff of air through her nose. “Why are you up?”

Addie glanced around. “I was closing the window. The wind woke me up.”

Lina rolled her eyes. “Well next time, don’t wake me up,” she griped, and trudged back into the bedroom Addie and her shared.

Addie’s hand flew down her shirt and grasped Adias. “That was close,” she whispered as quiet as she could.

“Don’t. Ever. Do that. Again,” Adias snarled.

Addie ignored his words. “Maybe you should sleep here tonight and leave early morning, since it is cold out. I’ll make you a bed.”

Adias went rigid. “That cat will eat me!” he cried.

“Kitty? That won’t be a problem. She’s friendly,” Addie said with an airy wave of her hand. “Besides, I’ll make the bed in a spot that no one will see you.”

With Adias sitting in one hand, Addie shuffled around for some tissues. “Hmm…” she murmured. “Do you think the doll house would be a good place?”

Adias looked appalled. “Me? In a girlish doll house? No!”

“It’s just the same as the furniture I let you borrow for your house. It’s just as girly as the rest of the things I have.”

Adias’s tiny cheeks flushed. “Well, that’s different.”

“Oh, I know the perfect place!” she exclaimed suddenly, practically running downstairs to the study. On an end table in the corner of the room a plant stood royally. She parted the leaves and placed the tissues in a soft nest is the soil. She held out her hand and let Adias jump onto the pile. “You should feel right at home here, and Kitty is so fat she wouldn’t even think about climbing after you.” Addie smiled warmly and checked to make sure he was hidden well from view.

“Goodnight,” she heard Adias whisper from the leaves.

“Sleep tight, Adias,” she replied. She then tumbled sleepily up the stairs and crawled into her warm bed gratefully.

After Addie had gone to bed, Adias lay restlessly in his bed of soft, white tissues. He wanted desperately to go home back to his little hollow tree, where he felt sure no cats or other wretched beasts could harm him.

Shivering, he waited patiently for the first streaks of gray to shine through the windows. But a noise interrupted him.

“Prrow,” a youthful mew cried in the dark.

Adias stood as still as he could. He realized that Addie had forgotten to take down the stairs of books she’d created. He could hear the cat jumping nimbly onto the table where the plant he was hidden in dwelled. Too fat, Adias thought, angrily recalling Addie’s words about Kitty.

A pink nose poked through the leaves. It sniffed twice, and then nudged in a little closer.

Adias tried to fly away at just the right moment, but found he was paralyzed in the spot. His fear of creatures bigger than himself overcame him.

A little paw shot through the leaves, and poor Adias came out of his shock and jumped at least ten feet. The paw curled around his helpless body and whisked him away.

“No,” Adias shrieked.

The cat seemed to smirk. She let Adias go and waited for him to fly away. But Adias just quivered there.

“Do you want your leave or not?” the cat asked.

Adias stumbled back. “You… talk!” He had always known that the animals in his forest could talk, but he had always thought that house animals were too… housey.

“If you don’t want to leave, you can be my dinner,” Kitty teased.

Still Adias stood there, much too frightened to move. But his fears didn’t stop him from being his old, chatty self.

“Addie…” he wondered aloud. “Have you talked to Addie? Any human?” he asked her. He stood tall, as if hoping that would make the cat forget his embarrassing cries of mercy.

Kitty shook her head, and the long wisps of fur around her neck swayed royally. She was a remarkably attractive cat, with her long, silver coat and playful eyes. She was young, only slightly older than a kitten, and slim. It was her draping fur that made Addie think Kitty chubby.

“No. They’d probably just think it was the wind whispering to them,” Kitty said dramatically. “Though Addie….” Kitty paused to sort her words. “Addie’s different.”

Adias nodded. He had met the girl when she was exploring his forest alone around a month ago. He expected her not to notice him like all the other people strolling through the woods and scurry away, thinking him an insect. But she stopped right in her tracks, looking at him with her wide, azure eyes. She greeted him politely and treated him like a human. It was the first time he’d ever spoken to a person that responded. She asked his name, and soon they became friends.

“Sometimes I wonder if she already knows I can speak,” Kitty continued thoughtfully. “She often talks to me the way she would with her family, asking me how my day was, what I think of her new dolls. It’s really not hard to reply, but she doesn’t mind. She just keeps talking.” Kitty looked upstairs, as if waiting for Addie.

Adias said nothing, but thought about his extraordinary friend.

Kitty turned back to Adias. “I’ve noticed you two are close,” she said.

“I suppose,” Adias replied softly, though they were actually very close. Addie was the best friend Adias had in a long time.

“She’s wonderful to play with,” Kitty said suddenly. “Every afternoon when she gets home from school she plays with me. She told me it was good exercise for the both of us. And it’s so much fun!” Kitty seemed to gush out the words with excitement.

The corners of Adias’s mouth turned up. That was so much like Addie.

“She got me Christmas presents as well,” Kitty went on, even more excitedly. “She ordered me not to sneak around looking for them, but I did anyway.” Kitty smiled sheepishly. “I found them easily, though. They were under her bed, and I could smell the cat nip from miles away. But I have to pretend like I didn’t find them, or she’ll be so disappointed.”

Adias was beginning to realize just how friendly Kitty and how caring Addie was. He smiled to himself.

A troubled frown appeared on Kitty’s lipless mouth. “I really want to give her some presents too, but it’s so hard when you’re a cat.”

Adias stroked his own smooth chin. “Maybe I can help you,” he offered.

Addie stumbled down the stairs the next morning, sloppily dressed. She ate breakfast hurriedly, not paying attention to her family’s conversation at the table. She rushed into the study to find Adias still fast asleep in the plant.

“Adias!” she whispered.

He woke with a start. “Oh!” he said, blinking at the morning sun. “I overslept! Must get going, Addie!” he said. He flew out of the leaves and hugged Addie’s finger. “I’ll come back tonight if the weather allows.”

Addie ran and opened to the window and smiled at the flurry of snow falling outside. “I think the weather will decide that it’s best for you to stay at your home tonight,” she said to Adias while opening the window for him. Her smile grew as the chilly breath of snow greeted her.

“I think the weather is wise in that decision,” Adias said, also smiling.

“Will you be warm enough out there?” Addie asked fearfully.

“Yes, yes,” Adias said impatiently. “You worry far too often.” He hugged Addie’s finger once more, then flew outside.

“Bye!” Addie called out before running upstairs to dress properly before her governess could lecture her about being a young lady.

Adias wasn’t able to come that night, due to the weather’s decision, but Addie had a grand time that night with or without him. She and Kitty played outside in the snow until their hands where purple and their hair was drenched. But that didn’t stop them. They bundled up by the fire and Addie entertained her sisters and Kitty with wintery stories about Santa and Jack Frost and snow elves and a little fairy called Adias who was rushing home through the snow. Of course, Addie’s sisters Lina, Lydia and Olivia, who where all older than her, didn’t believe these stories. But Kitty listened with wonder, and smiled and laughed to herself when no one noticed.

Addie retired early, and Kitty followed her into Addie’s room. After Addie was settled, Kitty jumped up and curled by her side. Lina was still downstairs, laughing with the other sisters and their parents, and Kitty enjoyed the room without the sour sister.

“Tonight was so much fun!” Addie said to Kitty, patting the cat’s neck.

Kitty took a deep breath. “Yes. I especially loved your stories,” she replied, and waited for a response.

Addie’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, but she figured a talking cat was a lot less strange than a talking tiny person with wings. “You did?” Addie cried. “I’m so glad. It seemed the others weren’t listening.”

Kitty was happy to finally talk to her friend. “I’m sure they did listen, though. The stories were amazing. The one about the jolly old man bringing presents to kids was simply marvelous!”

Addie looked scandalized. “You haven’t heard that story before?”

Kitty shook her head. “I’ve only been alive a few months, you know,” she said knowingly.

They both heard steps getting close to the door. Addie pressed her finger to her lips and quickly nestled into a sleeping position. Addie and Kitty closed their eyes and looked as though they’d been asleep for quite a long time. Addie smiled just before Lina entered the room, and fell asleep just like that.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Esmé
Review
Esmé wrote a review · Sun May 25, 2008 11:27 am

Bittersweet,

So after that PMing spree I finally got to critiquing your story, aye?



Quote:
Addie’s breath was shivery as her eyes groped through the velvety darkness.

Technical comment, though more in the form of a question. Can eyes “grope”?


Quote:
As quiet as possible, she pulled

As quietly.


Quote:
Her toes grazed the frozen floor but recoiled.

“Frozen”? Hmm. Also, I don’t like the form. “(…) but recoiled”… Add something the can lean on, e.g. but quickly. Or something like that.


Quote:
Addie eyes slid over to the other bed that was crammed into a corner.

Addie’s.


Quote:
She stretched out her leg bravely, and reached for the ground. She winced as the chilled wood seemed to grab her foot.

“(…), wincing (…)” - merge, to get rid of the second “she”. Avoid that as much as possible.


Quote:
Addie, popsicle-toed, crept silently out of the room.

Popsicle-toed - awesome.


Quote:
“But you were expecting me to come Mistress Adriana,” Adias argued.

Comma before “Mistress”.


Quote:
He fluttered one of his tired wings lightly, the other tuck under his delicate, lying body.

“tuck” - “tucked”


Quote:
Addie, who had waited for this moment the second she began her secret nighttime meetings with her little friend, clasping him inside her hand.

Er, what? Rephrase. “(…) who had been waiting for this moment ever since she had began her secret nighttime meeting with her little friend, clasped him insider her hand.


Quote:
Why are you up?”

It’s like she’s asking Fred why he is up.


Quote:
“Well next time, don’t wake me up,” she griped, and trudged back into the bedroom Addie and her shared.

“(…) that they both shared.”


Quote:
“That was close,” she whispered as quiet as she could.

Quietly.


Quote:
“Don’t. Ever. Do that. Again,” Adias snarled.

Periods after each word are nice, but the last comma ruins it. Place a period there, too, and give him something to do while snarling. That ought to do it.


Quote:
Maybe you should sleep here tonight and leave early morning

“Early morning”?


Quote;
Adias went rigid. “That cat will eat me!” he cried.

One of my fave lines.


Quote;
Adias looked appalled. “Me? In a girlish doll house? No!”

I love him.


Quote:
Still Adias stood there, much too frightened to move.

Why that “still”?


Quote:
He expected her not to notice him like all the other people strolling through the woods and scurry away, thinking him an insect. But she stopped right in her tracks, looking at him with her wide, azure eyes

Merge those two.


Quote:
Adias said nothing, but thought about his extraordinary friend.

Expand this, specify what he thought.


Quote:
He hugged Addie’s finger once more, then flew outside.

Aww.


Quote:
Addie called out before running upstairs to dress properly before her governess could lecture her about being a young lady.

Before, before - that can be avoided.


Quote:
Adias wasn’t able to come that night, due to the weather’s decision, but Addie had a grand time that night with or without him.

I don’t like the “with or without him” part. It’s like she doesn’t care, and she does, right?


Quote:
Addie looked scandalized. “You haven’t heard that story before?”
Kitty shook her head. “I’ve only been alive a few months, you know,” she said knowingly.

Nice.


Quote:
Addie pressed her finger to her lips and quickly nestled into a sleeping position.

Expand that and tell us what that “sleeping position” is.


Okay, that is all I have to say as far as tiny details are concerns. Let’s move on to the more interesting stuff.

I loved it. I really did. The descriptions were wonderful, and character vivid, realistic, alive. Adias! Kitty! Loved them. And Addie, too, but primarily them. The dialogue was lovely, too.

As for weak points… There are some sections that can be expanded, a tad bit, and I think I pointed out some of the. Some parts should be separates with line breaks or perhaps starts, or whatever you might wish - her I am talking specifically of Addie waking up “the next morning”.

Other than that, I eagerly await the next installment. This is more of an lead-on than and intor of action, plot, but I think that is fine, so long as the next parts aren’t.

Keep writing, and cheers,
Esme

User avatar
Fang Ride
Review

I think it was great, only a bit confusing at what Adias was at the start.
There was no real explanation or opening to describe who everyone was.
Some bits were a bit short a tacky like: "and so the two became friends."
Other than that I really wan't to read more.

Fang

User avatar
McDanny
Review
McDanny wrote a review · Sat May 24, 2008 6:55 pm

I'm not quite sure where you're going with this; so far it's got some good ideas but no real plot construction (which, considering it's only the first chapter, is to be partyl expected). I also think that some lines feel a little cheesy; the 'and so they became friends' line in particular just seems very cliche. Finally, unless it's somehow part of the later plot I'd advise against naming your two central characters so similarly as Addie and Adias.
This all aside, I'll look forward to reading later parts so I can make a proper judgement.

Dan



I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin.
— David Eddings