Bitter Sweet- Chapter Six

Hey, Bittersweet I've been reading your amazing story all the way through and have found no major flaws with the plot so far.

Might I go to add that the length of your chapters is brilliant. It's really unique. The fact that they are so short adds to the whole feeling of the story. I really love it.

Right, I'm going to be really nitpicky about this, because otherwise I'll feel guilty about leaving you with not much of a review. So most of this is going to be really harsh and useless. Feel free to poke me in the eye if I get too exasperating. I just hate leaving people with a one paragraph review.

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With Emery gone, lunch wasn’t nearly as exciting, but fortunately Caitlyn was still around.

I'm torn in two about this sentence. I kind of want to remove the comma after "exciting", but of course that would sound wrong. I'm not sure about what would be gramatically correct. I think you should leave it though. There I go waffling on nonsense again.


Wiley had left for the day, because of the nasty bruise Emery had given him. His table looked at loss of what to do.

Methinks you might need to insert the conjunction "a" after "loss". Makes more sense that way.


They probably couldn’t think for themselves now that their lord, master, and king had gone.

Made me smile.


But they didn’t come over and bug us, so they didn’t matter.

You should never start a sentence with a conjunction. I know, I'm pretty hypocritical as I make this mistake all the time. So, maybe take out the but? Then again, you could leave it in. Sometimes, I feel you just need the odd "and" or "but" to begin a sentence. You choose!


“Yeah, it’s a cruise,” she said. I could tell she was trying to leave out the excitement in her voice, feeling bad that her and Emery would be leaving poor, old me back here, alone.

I do not think you need a comma in between "poor" and "old".


“That sounds way fun!” I said. Even though my emotions had been dampened at Caitlyn’s words, I was happy for her that she was finally going somewhere.
“Yeah, I’m so excited!” she squealed—which in my short time with her, she had never done once—obviously brightening up at the enthusiasm in my voice.
“Tell me all about it when you get back,” I said.

I like this snippet of dialogue. I know it's random, but I just think it flows amazingly well and it's really realistic.


“’Kay,” she said, entwining her fingers together and pulling them up to her heart excitedly. Her smile was the biggest I had ever seen it. I sighed silently as she dug into her food, still wearing a huge smile.

I loved the flow of this sentence. It just WORKED.


And that’s how I got left in the dust.

Amazing, amazing, amazing last sentence to finish the chapter off.

I'm loving this, Bittersweet. I am so jealous of your talent! *steals talent and runs away* DO write more .

Sarah

xxx

Holly-
Um, Holly? Where's chapter seven?
You CAN'T just leave me in the dust like this. I want more. I need more.
You have me hooked.
Anyway, I can't wait for more excitement! This story is so good.
I'll be waiting, waiting, waiting...for chapter 7.
-Merry
~pm me when you post chapter 7. Kay?~

Caitlyn was an only child, like me.

They probably couldn’t think for themselves now that their lord, master, and king had gone