Bitter Sweet- Chapter Five

by Bittersweet
  • June 23, 2008
  • Novel / Chapter
  • Unfinished or Crap that No One Should Read
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Comments & reviews · 4
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Merry_Haven
Review
Merry_Haven wrote a review · Fri Sep 05, 2008 5:43 pm

Holly-
Dude, that last part was just great. Loved it!
The cheesiness of Wiley was hilarious! That totally made me crack up laughing.
And there is absolutely NO way that I'm gonna tear this up. This is too good.
Oh, and what happened to Mae's mom and her weird dreams?
-Merry

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KailaMarie
Review
KailaMarie wrote a review · Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:59 pm

I picked at the sandwich in front of me, taking off the shriveled tomatoes and unnaturally orange cheese.

lol, they must go to my school. (the french fries would literally crack if you tried to bend them)



“Look, Madison. Do you really want to sit here with them?” he reasoned.

i could picture someone like him being more like "I know you dont really want to sit with them!" like, idk, a little more like he knows what she wants better than she does. I would suggest having him ask her less, and have him tell her more.


“I don’t think I could stand sitting next to your big bloated head.

this just needs an end quote mark.


other than little things, this was REALLY good! =D

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onceuponatim3xo
Review
onceuponatim3xo wrote a review · Mon Jun 23, 2008 9:43 pm

This was really good! I love your descriptions :D

Nit-pickiness:

“I understand that you didn’t really want to come over last time, but I figured it’s only because you didn’t know us, and I mean, hey, I wouldn’t want to sit with a bunch of strangers too. It’s understandable!” he said.


This seems a little unrealistic because he's completely talking her ear off and guys aren't usually like that. Also, guys like him don't really say "I understand" it's more of a "I know" or "I get why". Usually, guys like Wiley don't like to sound educated because they think they'll look stupid :)

I think that you could easily condense it to something like "I get why you didn't really want to come over last time, you probably didn't want to sit with a bunch of strangers. But, you should try it! It's really fun over there. At least lot more fun then these losers..." (He's still talking her ear off, but it's only to get his point across and also his sentences are a lot shorter - making him seem much more unintelligent because of the short sentences). :D

I love your ending:

“Young man!” she shrieked.

And that’s how Emery landed suspension.


It's just priceless, :lol:



When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
— Walter Lippmann