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Young Writers Society



Bitter Sweet- Chapter Five

by Bittersweet


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208 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 208

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Fri Sep 05, 2008 5:43 pm
Merry_Haven wrote a review...



Holly-
Dude, that last part was just great. Loved it!
The cheesiness of Wiley was hilarious! That totally made me crack up laughing.
And there is absolutely NO way that I'm gonna tear this up. This is too good.
Oh, and what happened to Mae's mom and her weird dreams?
-Merry




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108 Reviews

Points: 3129
Reviews: 108

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Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:59 pm
KailaMarie wrote a review...



I picked at the sandwich in front of me, taking off the shriveled tomatoes and unnaturally orange cheese.

lol, they must go to my school. (the french fries would literally crack if you tried to bend them)



“Look, Madison. Do you really want to sit here with them?” he reasoned.

i could picture someone like him being more like "I know you dont really want to sit with them!" like, idk, a little more like he knows what she wants better than she does. I would suggest having him ask her less, and have him tell her more.


“I don’t think I could stand sitting next to your big bloated head.

this just needs an end quote mark.


other than little things, this was REALLY good! =D




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157 Reviews

Points: 1807
Reviews: 157

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Mon Jun 23, 2008 9:43 pm
onceuponatim3xo wrote a review...



This was really good! I love your descriptions :D

Nit-pickiness:

“I understand that you didn’t really want to come over last time, but I figured it’s only because you didn’t know us, and I mean, hey, I wouldn’t want to sit with a bunch of strangers too. It’s understandable!” he said.


This seems a little unrealistic because he's completely talking her ear off and guys aren't usually like that. Also, guys like him don't really say "I understand" it's more of a "I know" or "I get why". Usually, guys like Wiley don't like to sound educated because they think they'll look stupid :)

I think that you could easily condense it to something like "I get why you didn't really want to come over last time, you probably didn't want to sit with a bunch of strangers. But, you should try it! It's really fun over there. At least lot more fun then these losers..." (He's still talking her ear off, but it's only to get his point across and also his sentences are a lot shorter - making him seem much more unintelligent because of the short sentences). :D

I love your ending:

“Young man!” she shrieked.

And that’s how Emery landed suspension.


It's just priceless, :lol:





I always knew that deep down in every human heart, there is mercy and generosity. No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
— Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom