Treego was beginning to worry that Chip’s frown was going to be permanently set into his face. For the entire rest of his call with his parents, he hadn’t been able to shift it. It was no way to speak to your estranged parents, and definitely not the way to speak to the missions hub back on Earth, which was the next task on Chip’s list.
This meeting had been scheduled about a month in advance; nobody could have known that this would have been the single worst evening in which it could have taken place. Chip was striding around the helm. There was a big winding ramp mounted into the wall right the way round the room. If you had just entered the room you’d have thought he was testing its structural integrity. He bounced and fidgeted and asked the pilot, Alex Flicktail, how their trajectory was doing. They weren’t even heading anywhere, she kept assuring him. There was literally nothing to worry about. That didn’t satisfy Chip, apparently. He was seemingly worried beyond all help. He wanted something else to worry about.
Something that wasn’t the sudden revelation that his parents had been lied to about his sister’s death, which hadn’t taken place and that he hadn’t even been informed of the same lie as his parents. Why did they want his parents to think she was dead yet allow him to think she’d been kidnapped by Lezeki? Or worse, was working with him. No, Treego thought, Chip probably wasn’t considering that. Or if he was, he’d have dismissed it weeks ago.
Finally, the screen beeped and lit up green, giving Chip ten seconds to leap into his chair and click the ‘accept call’ button.
“Mission Hub H4 to JCST Amazon,” announced a relatively young bearded human with glasses on the screen. He was leaning forward adjusting the webcam in a dark, featureless room as he spoke, not really looking at the screen. Good, Treego thought, give Chip just a few more moments to get himself together. Every second was important. What Treego would not call Chip at the moment, however, was fragile.
“Captain Chip Puccoon, JCST Amazon receives Mission Hub H4,” Chip replied. Treego had leapt round the ramp Chip had been obsessing over and was perched on the railing down near where it came almost right out to the screen. His view of Chip’s face was totally clear. And Chip smiled.
“It’s good to see you, Dave,” Chip added, the smile still there.
“You too, Chip.” Dave nodded. Treego had never been to one of these meetings before. They’d always been presided over by their head of communications – the position Kernik had recently been promoted to – but today Treego had slipped in just behind Chip as the doors closed. Everyone had seen him, but nobody really seemed to have cared. Once you’d been on a call with the captain’s parents, was anywhere really prohibited to you? Now that Treego was finally witnessing the famous mission hubs conversation, though, the whole thing felt far too … homely … to have warranted such fuss.
“So we saw the video from Aeralis,” Davis was saying, “Good job to you and the rest of the crew.”
“Uh-huh,” said Chip. His brow stayed level but Treego thought there was a frown in his voice. He continued, “So, you might have noticed I got a little bit carried away at the end there.”
Dave raised an eyebrow. “A touch more than that, Chip.”
Chip pursed his lips and nodded. “I understand. See, the reason I was so upset about it is that – I don’t know if you noticed this – but Lezeki claimed to have my sister on board his ship. Now, I love my sister very much, but I’ve never told her that. The last time I saw my sister, I didn’t have the power of speech. I would very much like to see my sister again.”
Dave’s eyes dropped from the camera a little and Treego could see his fingers at the bottom of the screen starting to type something.
“You know, my parents would actually quite like to see my sister too,” Chip was saying, “They never really thought they would again.”
“Chip!” Dave snapped.
But Chip wasn’t listening. Dave seemed to be starting to say something else but Chip snarled and shouted over him, “Because you all told them she was dead!”
Eyes widened all around the helm, accompanied by a handful of gasps.
“My sister is out there.” Chip’s jaw was clenched so tight Treego had no idea how he was getting the words out. “She was within five miles from me! I want permission to self-select a mission. I want to go after Lezeki and stop him from wreaking havoc wherever he plans to pop up next.”
Dave made a clicking sound with his tongue and stared straight at the camera. “You know, Chip, I’d be inclined to let you go for it. You’ve got plenty of experience, you seem to have a handle on the wasp’s motives, and you’ve always been one of our most loyal captains.”
Chip’s eyebrows raised slightly. Treego wondered if he’d been expecting a less cooperative answer.
“The problem is,” Dave went on, “That one of those is no longer true. Sure, you can’t have less experience than before, it would appear that one of the animals on your ship has intimate understanding of the wasp’s motives – how else would the nanobots have got on board? Nope, you’ve guessed it, it’s the third. How, Chip, did you come across the knowledge of your sister’s location? Or discuss with your parents their understanding of the situation?”
Chip glanced at Treego, who shook his head and nearly fell off the railing trying to gesture at Chip to keep him and Louis out of it.
“The information was in one of the files in the library, along with my parents’ phone number,” said Chip. He raised his chin and glared down the camera.
“We know exactly where the information came from,” said David, his eyes narrowing to slits, “We put it there. How dare you go snooping round classified JCST intellectual property! And don’t lie to me – you think the cameras didn’t catch your amphibious little friend and your goddamn nephew? And believe me, suspension of private comms privileges is nothing to what we were going to land them both with at first. Keep better control of your ship, Puccoon, and maybe we won’t demote you to apprentice.”
The screen immediately went black, along with the mood in the room. Treego gulped, producing a ‘ribbit’ sound that broke the silence so abruptly most of the present crew giggled a little. Treego glanced first at Chip then at Kernik, who had taken his place in the chair to Chip’s left for his first missions hub meeting. Kernik was staring at the floor in front of him, or at least most of his eyes were. Chip was staring into the middle distance in front of him, the frown firmly back in place.
“Um, Chip?” Alex Flicktail stepped right into Chip’s gaze and he blinked, shaking his head.
“Sorry,” he said, “Just … er, considering.”
“What are you considering?” Treego asked. He sprang down from the railing and over up onto the arm of Chip’s chair.
“Doing what they say,” Chip replied. He chewed on his lip then stood up. Then he sat back down again. Then stood up again. Then down and back up a few more times before finally saying, “They’re right, Treego. You did hack into a private account. And if I don’t have their backing there’s not much we can do about Lezeki, not with just one ship. Maybe if we go along with them, they won’t do whatever they’re planning to you and Louis.”
Kernik nodded. “Chip’s right. Action at this point would be aimless and just end in disciplinary action for all of us. What do you think, Alex?”
Alex Flicktail sighed. “We definitely can’t do much with just one ship. But how do we tell everyone out there? At least a quarter of them still blame you for Ochon’s death, Chip.”
“I’ll talk to them,” Kernik said, “Let me make a statement as a sort of ‘introduction to your new executive of communications’ thing. At the very least, support from Boinet’s brother will put an end to open blame of Chip.”
Chip nodded. “This is far from what I hoped for, but I’m not sure what better we’re going to get.”
Treego smiled. The four of them may have been in agreement, so not the most challenging of discussions, but this was what he was used to – Chip consulting them one by one so he could hone the most efficient course of action. There were many mysteries left on board, in fact Treego really wasn’t sure he’d solved any since he’d started his investigations. Really he’d only opened up new ones. But they were going to figure them out together, with or without private comms privileges.
***
A/N: Trying out author's note at the bottom for once...One thing I'm thinking about is that I had originally been going to have this as a lot of short stories set in the same world. As a result, this chapter, as the end of part 3, sounds a lot more like an ending than it would be if it was just called Chapter 16. Let me know if you think this is too much of an issue. I quite like it this way but will change it if it makes more sense for the traditional novel format.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Okay, it looks like you're getting that fifth review today afterall!
The flow is a bit awkward here because you have three sentences of about the same length and that makes this paragraph a slightly jarring read. In one sense it helps ramp up the tension but I think you could vary the lengths a little more so that it does so without being hard to read. The rest of the paragraph isn't much better with all the sentences either short or medium in length.Specifics
1.
2. It seems weird for him to talk quite so openly/ almost callously about his brother's death. After seeing how much that tore him up, I'd expect him to skirt around it a bit more or at least to address it more intimately - Boinet's brother seems too stiff/ formal.
Overall
It seems odd that the humans let Chip lead into the discussion on what he knows rather than opening with it. They know what has happened and yet they let him take the lead which is letting him take control. I'm not one hundred percent against it but I feel like if there was a similar situation with my boss and someone under her command who had broken protocol, she'd give them a chance to talk about it right from the start or perhaps even open by telling them that she knew and then asking them to explain themselves.
I think the way you end the chapter is fine and I'm coming to like the slightly episodic feel- it gives the story it's own kind of style and that's not a bad thing.
This chapter was interesting in that we finally got to meet the humans but I feel like Chip too easily agrees that maybe he should do what they say. I can understand they are his superiors but they are very much in the wrong here by not giving him some form of explanation as to why they didn't tell him about his sister or why they gave his parents false information. Even if they feel he betrayed their trust, when it comes to family matters, that's always going to create a few grey areas where absolute loyalty is concerned and the fact they insulted his nephew is salt on raw wounds. Chip doesn't seem angry enough in the end scene for what I have come to expect of his character/ indeed how I'd feel if I was in that situation.
That's probably it for tonight as I really should get some sleep!
Over and out.
~Heather
Going to reply to everything I can remember in one:


3.1 - Will try to get more of Treego's wryness in here. Maybe have some more about him watching the other characters and his thoughts on the matter. I get he's not doing much here, but the whole point was that Chip was being inclusive of everyone, so I hope that's ok.
3.2 - Hm... That's a good point about Steve. He comes back up later and you learn that he doesn't really like his department very much/is quite cynical, so that dialogue would make sense. I guess it wouldn't make sense to Treego though, so I'll have him be confused. The names thing was kind of off the cuff, meant to be deadpan, but I've grown to try and vary it since the point of my story is to show that each and every animal is an individual (which sort of comes out more in part 4 cos I tell it from Steve, a woodlouse's POV). Oh, I just remembered. We had a woodlouse in the wall at primary school that we used to call Steve, so it's also sentimental
3.3 - On reflection that does seem too easy. I'll have him go through a few different methods.
3.4 - Hm... I wanted Treego on the call to show Chip trusted him, but you're right, there probably isn't that much reason. Maybe Treego could acknowledge this and feel awkward? Or should I give him some other responsibility? But then how would I show the scene?
3.5 - The reason he acquiesced to his superiors is because the last time he tried to go after Lezeki on his own, he went a bit crazy. He's trying to assure his crew he's okay. Do you think this is worth getting across/any advice for doing so? Also, are you sure you're okay about the episodic thing? It used to be that I was going to have a series of short stories of completely different adventures, but then it kind of just turned into a novel. It's never really felt like a novel though, because of that.
Thanks for all the reviews - enjoy your well deserved rest
p.s. dammit you're not on my team - must do more reviews!!
Hm... I wanted Treego on the call to show Chip trusted him, but you're right, there probably isn't that much reason. Maybe Treego could acknowledge this and feel awkward? Or should I give him some other responsibility? But then how would I show the scene?
I think having Treego feel awkward would help and it's fine for him to not really say anything on the call and to just be a fly on the wall in this scene because there's enough other interesting things going on. But there should definitely be some of Treego's emotions to bring a little of the focus back to him.
3.5 - The reason he acquiesced to his superiors is because the last time he tried to go after Lezeki on his own, he went a bit crazy. He's trying to assure his crew he's okay. Do you think this is worth getting across/any advice for doing so? Also, are you sure you're okay about the episodic thing? It used to be that I was going to have a series of short stories of completely different adventures, but then it kind of just turned into a novel. It's never really felt like a novel though, because of that.
I think it might come across better if he seems more conflicted about his decision to let the humans call the shots - if we can see that it's against his instinct but that he feels he has to take a step back then that will help. And yep, the episodic style is good as long as it's not over done.
Hey Biscuits! I don't really feel like reviewing, but I really want to read this. So hopefully you won't mind if I just enjoy the read and don't try to analyse or critique. But hey- if I notice something, I'll point it out.

There was a big winding ramp mounted into the wall right the way round the room.
'Right the way' doesn't sound right.
He bounced and fidgeted and asked the pilot, Alex Flicktail, how their trajectory was doing...
I think this should be a new paragraph.
And in reference to your author's note, I think it's fine as it is. There's no issue.
'For the entire rest of his call with his parents,' - 'for the entirety of his call,' or 'for the rest of his call'. Entire and rest are the same thing so you don't need them both together.
'He wanted something else to worry about//Something that wasn’t the sudden revelation that his parents had been lied to about his sister’s death, which hadn’t taken place and that he hadn’t even been informed of the same lie as his parents.' - the paragraph break here doesn't fit. It should all be together because it is the same train of thought.
'Once you’d been on a call with the captain’s parents, was anywhere really prohibited to you?' - over the past two chapters you've been putting the readers into the story a lot. I think it works here and there but I think you've done it a bit too much in such a short space. This could be easily changed to 'Once he'd been on a call with the captain's parents, was anywhere really prohibited to him?'
'The last time I saw my sister, I didn’t have the power of speech. I would very much like to see my sister again.' - I'm not a big fan of the animals tendancy to disregard their ways of communication before they could speak like humans. Animals can communicate to each other and are incredibly intelligent, otherwise they'd all just die. Just because they can't speak like us, doesn't mean they can't speak to each other. They must do in some sort of way. It's been mentioned a few times in passing chapters and I think its quite disrespectful to animals. Don't want to sound harsh because I know you didn't do it on purpose, I'm just saying that's how it comes across.
'But Chip wasn’t listening.' - this is from Treego's POV so how does he know he wasn't listening? Maybe change it to 'Chip seemed like he wasn't listening' or 'Chip looked distracted'
I'm a bit confused by your author's note. Is this the end of the story or the end of a chapter? Because this doesn't feel like the end of a story, it sounds like the end of a section of a novel. Like this was kind of the section to build the world and to introduce the conflict of Chip's missing sister and then the next part will be them acting out on their suspicions and finding out what is going on.
Animals' communication pre-speech - Interesting. Obviously that is not my intention (in fact it's the very thing I'm trying to go against) so maybe I'll make it clear that I mean he has specific information he would like to convey.

The end of the chapter thing was just cos it felt like I'd summed up a bit too much. It goes onto a different POV again next chapter (which is for a reason. I'm trying to show the diversity of the characters and that they aren't all just animals as one big homogenous group) so I was worried that combined with the tone would make it not work that well. You're the second person to say it's fine so good to know
Yeah, I think the rounding up bit at the end of the chapter did feel like an ending, but not the end of the story... which I think is what you were going for.
Hi there!
Okay, so first to answer you query in the author's note. I think this works as the end to a chapter, as opposed to the end of a story. To be honest I don't think I'd be that satisfied if this was the end of the whole story! There are still so many questions. I mean, Treego thinks it himself.
As it stands, there are plenty of questions left for readers to be curious about. Plus we're obviously wondering what will happen with Chip going after Lezeki - obviously he's not just going to roll over and follow orders forever, right?
*me every time Treego ribbits nervously in the story
I like that after a few chapters where Chip is kind of going crazy because he just learned about his sister and talked to his parents for the first time and whatnot, we get to see what a good captain he actually is. Not only from Dave's comments
But also this
And I like that Treego doesn't just think it - we actually get to see it, as Chip gets input from his crew in this situation.
(P.S. How darkly funny is it that they're angry because one of their "most loyal captains" went snooping through classified files to find information they were hiding from him? How's "hiding information about your sister and parents" for repayment of loyalty?)
Thanks for the review! It was just the sort of summing up/finding a message to take from the story type tone I was worried about
I've just finished my exams today so I'm going to start reviewing You Are the Chosen Grandma today 
Good to know it's not a problem
Hooray!!!