I sit in an empty house, an empty room, the soft sorrow tunes drifting through the air. My mind moves faster and faster as I sit perfectly still, my heart beating in tune with the music. It is such a pity that music is so sweet, so beautiful. It holds the sorrow of heartbreak, of knowing, he left you and he is never coming back, the hatred of liars, the pain of the lied to, the heartbreak of the broken, the lamenting, the weeping, the dead. Stop. Listen to the beat, it drifts through the air, connected people to other people, although they will never know it, for just that moment, our hearts will beat in synch. For just a moment, everything is right in the world, stop. Stop dreaming, he is never coming back, stop wishing, be strong, and stand up. Take heart in the music. He hates me and is never coming back.
STOP, just stop, the thoughts have to stop, they just have to . . . I whimper in pain, clutching my head as the voices clamor against one and another in painful symphony.
“He hated you, you slut, so desperate to be loved.”
“He played you, you gullible love struck fool, he isn’t coming back.”
“You were so desperate for love, things will never be the same.”
“How could you be so stupid? You knew what he would do for you, nothing.”
“You knew better, you knew nothing good ever came out of love.”
“You knew better! What have you done?”
“He loved me, and I loved him, I loved him with all of my heart. I don’t know what I did wrong, it wasn’t my fault!” I sob to the empty house. “Everything was perfect, he was perfect. We hadn’t known each other long, just long enough to be aware of each other’s existence. Then, on Valentine’s Day, he brought me roses. I couldn’t help it, I fell in love, and those long nights, texting each other all night long, loving little nothings whispered into my ear as we walked side by side in quiet contemplated, tell me, TELL ME WHAT I DID WRONG!” I shrieked into the creaking of the empty house.
“You young, gullible thing. Do you expect me to feel bad for you? You knew better than to fall in love, giving your heart away is a dangerous thing and you knew it.”
“So desperate for love . . . “
“You wanted to love so bad, but is it love you wanted, or to be accepted, to know somebody looks at you and thinks,”
“Stop. Stop it now, just stop. It isn’t fair. It just isn’t fair.”
“Life isn’t fair.”
“Idiot girl.”
“Just give it up, he isn’t coming back. Your life is in shambles, so what?”
“There is always a way to end this suffering, always a way.”
“A way to the silence.”
“Silence? A way to the . . . yes, a way to the silence.” The music is still playing, that sad heartfelt tune, then suddenly it started to tilt, starting a high lilting tune that could be described as nothing less than sunshine and happiness. Stop. That life was, is so far away, that life of love, of being in love, of that happy, I’m on drugs ecstatic feeling of love, so distant. I rise slowly, and walk through the empty, creaking house, as if I am underwater, as if I am in a dream.
Stop. I freeze, almost seeming to wake up, a knife in my hand. How did it get there? Where am I? I look around, almost desperately before I realize, I’m in my room, the blue painted walls, so familiar, and a phone, that phone, filled with messages of love, filled to the brim with long nights of clutching it, waiting for a message that would never come.
Stop, a flash of pain and suddenly, a gap in my arm is bleeding red tears onto the carefully chosen white bedding, as brilliant as the sunset.
Stop, it slowly turns brown, wasting away, drying, crusting, I look at the clock. I find a bandage, bandage my arm, and gather up the bedding, shoving it into the washer to clean it. I shuffle numbly back to my room, to find my long sleeved shirt. I peel off the shirt I am wearing now, gazing unseeing at the scars that dot my arms, crisis to crisis. It’s time to live again, live not through the pain, but with it. The music plays again tonight.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
... Excuse me while I go get a box of tissues.
(FYI- AMAZING job!)
*Gets the box*
1 min later...
*Finishes the box*
Hi Biluata! Niteowl here to review this story!
Overall, I think this worked through the emotions really well. I especially like the "thought-storm" in the middle. Though I've never self-injured, I can relate to being hammered with negative thoughts. I made my comments below as I read. Grammar corrections are in bold.
Some grammar stuff here, but I think this sentence could be stronger. I’m not a fan of the repetition of bland words like heartbreak. I think you could rework the beginning to something like “It holds the knowledge that he left and isn’t coming back…”. You might also use a bit more imagery to illustrate the pain here, like “the way his eyes shifted when you confronted his lies” or “the day you counted up the lies he told.” I think this would create a stronger image than just listing emotions.
I like how you brought in some imagery after the negative thought dialogue. I think you could work that even more into the thoughts. I know when I ruminate on negative emotions, there’s often a storm of images, like mini-videos I can’t get out of my head.
This sentence seems to be cramming way too much in one sentence. .” I think the long chopped-up sentence style works for emotions, but not as well for description and movement. I would break this up into at least two sentences. Maybe “I look around desperately before I see the blue painted walls. I’m in my room. I look once again at my phone, filled with messages of love, which I had been clutching every night, waiting for a message that would never come.” Or something like that.
I found this sentence a little odd. At first, I thought it was saying she wants to stop cutting, but the music seems to be associated with cutting. I think you could clarify the role of the music in this process.
Overall, I think you did a really good job portraying the emotions in this story, though I think more imagery would make it even better. Seeing the relationship helps me empathize with the character more. Good job and keep writing!
Hey Biluata! Lupin here. I have to say, I do find this piece hard-hitting, however relatable. My interpretation is that the person in question had to take their life into their own hands and make the decision to live another day, even if they must face the decision each and every day. It also portrays quite well the heartbreak experienced immediately after a breakup, however the description of where this person lives and the repetitive nature of the things they do would suggest that the breakup occurred a while ago.
I also like the usage of music as a means for them to carry on. It feels quite personal. I couldn't suggest what you could do to improve it, as this isn't a topic I can claim to know a whole lot about.
This is a good piece but the punctuation makes it rather difficult to read. I can't really pin-point what's wrong because it's all over the place but basically, you need to swap a lot of your commas for full stops.
Sometimes it works to not put in full stops and have elongated sentences to make the reader struggle with their breathing while reading, to mimic the breathlessness of the narrator. I don't know if that's what you were trying to do with this, but if so, just forget the commas as well.
"synch" should be "sync"
Overall, this is an okay piece but it could be improved. Another way to do this besides the punctuation is maybe make it a little more personal so it's not as vague and cliché. I liked the part, "We hadn’t known each other long, just long enough to be aware of each other’s existence. Then, on Valentine’s Day, he brought me roses." It gave the reader something to grasp onto and it filled the character out a bit. I think there needs to be a few more little bits added like that to make the narrator more unique and not just another teen that's been dumped.
Hope this helps!
Heyy there.
I enjoyed this a lot. Mostly because I've been through the same, so it was relatable. Well framed and well written.
I liked how you simply used plain words to frame such strong and effective lines. Bravo on that. I somehow felt there was a gap towards the end. Like the composition was going fast and I wanted to read on, but then it slowed down suddenly. You should've went slowly about it. You know, like a gradual ending.
Overall, it was great. You did not lose the element even once. Brownies. Great work.
Keep writing and stay blessed,
xoxo
Thank you for your comment, it means a lot, but I feel the need to explain something to you. A lot of people say that it seems like the end of my compositions come really quickly but I do that for a purpose, especially for this one. It is supposed to symbolize kind of how life doesn't give you a break and when you find those moments that you are alone, or that you just find that place, then life intrudes again and all of a sudden you have to function again. Might be a tad cliche, but it thought it might shed some light on that! Thank you once again for such an encouraging comment though!