My wings flutter in the wind as I stand near the edge of the building, the wind pulling me, death whispers, you cannot escape from me. Another step closer. The fire builds behind me, the heat felt clearly. The whispers begin again. You will die no matter what choice you make, why try so hard? I shut them out. Another step. Black feathers flutter into my face, fear gripping my heart in its cold stormy grip. I take a step back. The voices in my head crowd and shout, all trying to be heard and drown out all the others. Another step forward. Stop! I scream in my head. “Stop.” The words, freak and abnormal, float to the forefront of my mind. My wings wrap around me, protectively. Another step. There is one way to end the voices in my head, one sure way. Unexpectedly, another voice joins the clamor. Fly. I shake my head, a soundless no. Fly, it insists, until it is drowned out by all the others. Yet another step closer to blissful silence. The others, they scream until they are hoarse, shouting, give up. This is hopeless. I sink back into despair as the fire grows every closer, orange tongues slithering behind me. An omen. A thought. Silence. The voices go silent. I stop, freezing, my eyes darting back and forth. What has caused this so sought after silence? Another, tentative step. I wonder what has stopped the horror of my mind from spinning round and round again like it always does, flitting from face to face, voices of my past and the voices that have held me down for so long. Oh blessed silence that rang in my ears like a thunderclap on a stormy night, as the sound of the sea rings clear. Another step. I was now at the point that I could look down and see the waves, crashing against the side of the building. The fire was soon put out by the torrent of rain that buffeted my figure, trying to drag me down, down to the depths of despair, trying to put out the fire in my heart. No, I squashed that thought. I have no will to live, no purpose, no meaning. I am nothing but a sideshow freak, nothing but an abnormality that people can stare at. No remorse, no pity. Feel nothing. Another step. My toes where just over the edge now, my skin rippled in goose bumps from the cold rain still lashing my face. I looked over the ocean through tear stained eyelashes. Fly. A voice whispered in my mind, startling me out of my reverie. Fly. I argued, why? My wings are useless to me, the only thing they do is keep me from being normal. No one ever will except me like this. The silence in my head drives me crazy, until it speaks again. You must fly. I take another step and then I am falling. Falling to silence, falling to a place of eternal darkness, where I can wrap myself in the shadows and stay there, hidden in some remote corner, where everyone will leave me and my voices alone. No one can call me a freak or abnormal then, and if they do, I will never hear them. Falling, hurtling to my doom, my death, a peace I welcome with open arms. Falling, to the boiling sea where even my cold, stiff body will be washed away until I sink peacefully beneath the cold, dark waves. Falling, until I stop. I look around, confused, only to find that my wings had snapped open and were slowing my fall. No! I scream in my head, I will fall. I am through. Fly. The word echoes like the gongs of a church bell, clear as crystal. Fly. My toes skim the water, and I move my wings. One beat. Once again, I am hovering. Two beats. My fears and failures drag me down again. Three beats. I rise above the foaming water. Four beats. I am in the sky, feeling the free ecstasy of flying once again. Five beats. I am in a place unknown to man, the subspace in my mind that is the healed me. The free me. Cold enfolds over me, and I take a last bubbly breath, before fading to the blessed silence.
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140,550 Literary Works • 673,421 Reviews
Mind=blown. That was an amazing commentary on being an adolescent. Very true and easy to make a connection to. Your word choice was amazing and sophisticated without sounding out of character. Just beautiful. You need to keep writing. The only thing I wish you did was explain the fire and maybe break your story up into paragraphs. I don't know why but the fact that it was just one long paragraph made it kind of hard for me to read, despite it being so interesting. However, I give it a 9.9999999/10.
Mind=blown. That was an amazing commentary on being an adolescent. Very true and easy to make a connection to. Your word choice was amazing and sophisticated without sounding out of character. Just beautiful. You need to keep writing. The only thing I wish you did was explain the fire and maybe break your story up into paragraphs. I don't know why but the fact that it was just one long paragraph made it kind of hard for me to read, despite it being so interesting. However, I give it a 9.9999999/10.
Hey there, in for a review.
I loved how you expressed the emotions the writer went through by each beat. It makes the reader feel as if he or she is a part of the movement. Well thought!! Kudos to you. As this was the ending, it gave relief to me really. Your work was lengthy but fast paced and it added up to your work. Real joy.
This was pretty good, your title was plain but vague and it kept the readers in suspense, that is good. I thought the uncertainty part was a bit too long. You could've cut it out a bit. But the way it was written, it really expressed the feelings of the writer. Good job!
" Fly. My toes skim the water, and I move my wings. One beat. Once again, I am hovering. Two beats. My fears and failures drag me down again. Three beats. I rise above the foaming water. Four beats. I am in the sky, feeling the free ecstasy of flying once again. Five beats. I am in a place unknown to man, the subspace in my mind that is the healed me. The free me. Cold enfolds over me, and I take a last bubbly breath, before fading to the blessed silence."
FAVOURITE PART OKAY
Also, your work could be related on a daily life basis also. Like how we have choices but ultimately we have to take a risky, but helpful step. And this was a good example of that.
Stay blessed and keep writing xoxo
Thanks!
Hi Tennishead here,
I really liked your story predominately how it was written. You had me captured in the story right from the beginning. The imagery was great and I felt the thoughts and emotions that she was feeling. The feeling of how death crept into her mind and other emotions such as anger and torment. You really had me hooked in the story, especially the fact that you introduced the feeling of flying and how she believed that she couldn't fly. I especially liked the ending of your story, how she overcame her demons to fly again and for the voices to disappear once and for all!
Just a couple of things though, firstly putting the whole story into one blocked paragraph was not the best idea. It made the story hard to read in a way as it was just a slab of words and not structured. At the start of the story, I would have made a new paragraph when you said,
"There is one way to end the voices in my head, one sure way."
This was before the "fly" voice entered her head and would have made it more clearer for the reader to point out this new direction in the story.
Another thing, I'm not sure if you want to do this, but you might like to add a bit of a backstory about the main character. You kind of gave hints when you said,
"I am nothing but a sideshow freak, nothing but an abnormality that people can stare at." and
"My wings are useless to me, the only thing they do is keep me from being normal."
You teased me with these quotes! But by doing this, it leaves a few questions unanswered. Like, why does she have wings? Why is she an outcast? Those sort of questions... (maybe you like giving the reader that sense of wanting to know more!)
Finally, with the first sentence in the story you said,
"My wings flutter in the wind as I stand near the edge of the building, the wind pulling me, death whispers, you cannot escape from me."
I would have restructured it like this adding a fullstop after "the wind pulling me."
My wings flutter in the wind as I stand near the edge of the building, the wind pulling me. Death whispers, you cannot escape from me."
Overall, I really enjoyed your story just a few things that you can polish!
Have a good one!
Tennishead
Thanks Tennishead, sorry it's taken so long for me to get back to you. I really appreciate your suggestions, I just thought I would clear the water a little. These little short stories often times just happen, bam, and then they're all typed up on my computer! I intentionally didn't give the character a backstory, kind of to leave the reader wondering, but thank you for all of your suggestions. And I know, I'm horrible at grammar, I need an EDITOR!
Happy Easter!
I like this. I feel your imagery is wonderful. I felt her anger, sadness, confusion, hopelessness as it was portrayed. I would only say that this read as more of a poem for me because there was no character development, and though there was a beginning middle, and an end, it was all very vague and u telling, where a poem can afford that luxury a short story should be more in depth. And bc I notice things most people don't, the word except should be spelled accept as it is the wrong word for the context of the story. Other than that, it was beautiful and locked me into a few moments of surreal imagery.