z

Young Writers Society



And So The Clock Ticks On

by Biluata


Her hands shook slightly as she touched the cap of the orange bottle that rattled with prescription pills. She paused before withdrawing her hand, licking her lip nervously, as her breath came in those fast little gasps an animal makes before it dies. Then, as if with sudden strength, she seized the bottle and twisted the cap off viciously, tipping a white pill into her hand and swallowing before sagging in her chair as though the action had taken all of the strength she had remaining. Here’s to a depression-free future, she thought to herself.

Kreyul leaned back in his chair, the legs balancing precariously on the floor as he fiddled with his tie. He was waiting for her to show up, the way she did every night - all teary-eyed and shaking - so he could hold her until the morning sun lit up the world. Then he would fade into the background again, the way he did everyday, always there, just not always visible. He waited and waited, his eyes trained on the door, but she never came. Suddenly, there was a deep shaking, the very ground rumbling and tearing itself apart as a gaping fissure erupted beside him. He let out a small shout of surprise as the chains wrapped around him before his expression turned grim as he froze, shifting uncomfortably as the cold metal dug into his ribs.

“She dare,” he wheezed, a soft chuckle emerging from his throat. “She dare try to chain me?” He threw his head back and laughed, his green eyes sparkling even as his ribs ached and complained at the pressure.

Cass threw on a sweater and brushed through her hair, looking into the mirror with a slight smile. She hadn’t dreamed last night, first night in months. It had been pleasant, waking up in the morning for once and feeling rested instead of more exhausted than she had been before she had gone to sleep the night before. She walked to school with a bit of bounce in her step, smiling at the people she passed instead of ducking her head and covering her eyes with her bangs like she normally did. Today was going to be a good day, she could feel it.

Kreyul strained against his restraints, gritting his teeth angrily until the chains snapped with a dissatisfying plink. He rolled his shoulders once, his neck cracking audibly as he stared angrily at the wall. He clenched his jaw, his teeth squeaking as they ground against each other in his rage. Throwing on his jacket, he threw the door open before stalking into the white space he was fond of calling “The Great Nothingness.” The key, he thought, is to walk until you find something worthwhile. Then latch a hold of it until it takes you further in.” He laughed quietly to himself as he began to formulate his plan for revenge. He dredged up old memories like a child, searching desperately through cabinets and drawers to find some lost toy, tossing them every which way without caring where they might land.

Cass froze for a moment, her hand hovering near her temple her eyes wide. The world suddenly seemed too bright, too loud, much to overwhelming. She blinked rapidly, feeling the anxiety swelling inside of her as she breathed slowly, trying to lower her heart rate. Today had been going so well, she wasn’t willing to give that up yet. She cleared her throat with resolve and moved forward, a quiet smile gracing her face as she greeted her friends.

He watched, angrily, as the memories refolded themselves, tucking themselves back into their little nooks and crannies where they belonged. Kreyul gave an angry bark of laughter. She was learning to fight him. His face hardened and his blue, blue eyes glittered with the challenge. He walked resolutely forward, smiling as he moved closer to the darkness.

He reached out a hand for a moment and brushed against a thread. His grin widened and he grabbed the thread and yanked, until the dark mass unraveled, and it spread, like a creeping mist, polluting the whiteness around them.

Cass froze again, this time because something felt wrong. She wasn’t sure what, it just felt wrong. The rest of the day seemed to blur past as her friends tried to figure out what had changed in their previously happy friend. That night, she sat up in bed, looking at the orange bottle of prescription pills before throwing it against her wall with a muffled thud before curling into a ball, praying for sleep to come and steal away her consciousness.

“Hello, darling,” Kreyul said quietly as he wrapped his arms around her. “I see you’ve given up on trying to get rid of me.” Cass made a quiet noise, full of pain.

“You can’t, you know,” he crooned. “I’m a part of you. You can’t kill off a part of you. You and me, we’re a team. Together forever.” And he held her until the morning sun graced the sky before slipping back off into the whiteness, to wait for night to come again. 


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Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:54 am
Remington38 wrote a review...



Remington38 here, it's a pleasure to meet you :)

Wow... this story was very impactful and I actually really enjoyed reading it. I feel this was a very relatable story, especially for me personally, but I feel even if you weren't in a similar situation as the protagonist you would still understand how these emotion are unsettling. It is an amzing job to reach a point where something to hard for one who doesn't experience it themself would understand, and in my opinion takes a lot of skill. It was so unique to other stories who share a similar story idea and I really loved it. It was very elegantly written. You are a very talented writer and I hope to read more by you. Have a wonderful evening.




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:28 am
SirenCymbaline wrote a review...



Hello.

I like that this is written in a way that makes is easy to visualise what is meant to be going on.
The actions are conveyed clearly, and in the natural order that they should happen in.
It's nice and descriptive, too. The first paragraph could have simply said 'she took some pills' but that wouldn't have told us nearly as much about what it was like for her.

However, some of the descriptors are a bit clunky in the way they're written.
There's nothing wrong with the simile you chose, but it could flow better with some rewording.
For instance, 'as her breath came in those fast little gasps an animal makes before it dies'
could be 'as her breath came like the dying gasps of an animal.'
What you could so is play with several different ways to write the same thing, and choose the one you feel flows best while conveying your meaning.

I found the beginning to be a little confusing, as you don't name Cass, the main character that we're supposed to be following, until the fourth paragraph.
If you name Kreyul first, then it can give off the impression that he is the focus.
And once I got to the part where you did name her, I had to stop for a moment and think 'is this the same character from the beginning, or some different girl?'
This is an easy fix, you can just tell us what her name is at the beginning.

There are some really long sentences that are great, but would be easier to process if you added more commas, or even split them into two sentences.
For example, 'It had been pleasant, waking up in the morning for once and feeling rested instead of more exhausted than she had been before she had gone to sleep the night before.'
is a bit much to take in all in one sentence. You could try adding more commas. Like so.

'It had been pleasant waking up in the morning for once, and feeling rested instead of more exhausted than she had been the night before.'

See how I've also shortened it at the end.
There are lots of really long sentences that I think could benefit from a change, I just used that one as an example. Just try adding more commas, finding small bits that just add to length and don't add that much to what the sentence is already telling us, or even turn one sentence into two. Play around with multiple iterations of a sentence until you're happy.

I don't think all the long sentences need changing, though. Most of them are fine.
To find which ones could use some work, I suggest reading your work out loud and seeing where you need to stop and take a breath. If you need to stop during a sentence, then evaluate it.

That's really the only technical critiques I have to make.

I think you've represented well what you were trying to show us. We are on the same page as Cass, and we know exactly how her depression is affecting her.
It's done so well I wonder how close you are to the subject. Either way, well done.
I would say your strength is in clear communication of action and imagery.
All you have to work on is presentation.




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 2:17 am
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Virgil wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here for a review!

This piece is one that interested me and happened to catch my eye, so let's jump right into the review! We start off with the main character who happens to be taking her medicine in the beginning of the story. That's the most of what goes on in paragraph one though I don't really think "sagged" is the right word for it, perhaps "slumped" instead? I think the last sentence in the first paragraph would do better if the first part was italicized to show that it's the character's thoughts, but that's something minor.

We already find out in this piece that the main character takes some sort of medicine, which seems to be medicine for depression from the context clues of the last line of the first paragraph. This is something that's established earlier on in the story and I think that may be beneficial to the rest of it, as well as giving us a place to begin. I like how you write the scenes in this short story because it feels so active and it doesn't really do a lot of inner-monologue that clogs up the rest of the story.

Something that I disliked is that while you do have active scenes, there's not a whole lot of dialogue going on with this and the paragraphs do tend to drag on for a little while. I'm not saying that the whole thing has to be filled with it because it is a more quiet piece, but I would like to see more of the dynamics between these characters. The ending of the piece is one that interests me an takes a turn that I didn't really expect to be taken.

The beginning of the piece didn't have as much thought but as it goes on we're more drenched in the main character's thoughts and that's something that I didn't like all that much. You can both have the main character be thinking while the scene is moving along which is something that makes better usage of space when it comes to prose and short stories. The imagery and feelings that you imbue are probably the strongest part of the piece for me, especially the feelings of depression and anxiety that lay throughout the story and are quite strong.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 1:39 am
inktopus wrote a review...



You had a lot of large paragraphs. Large paragraphs can be daunting for readers and are sometimes hard to read. Breaking these up greatly helps the readability of your stories and improves the flow as well.

I also found some awkward descriptions. You had a lot of good ones but there were a few that just didn't sound right. For example, you wrote, "...her breath came in those fast little gasps an animal makes before it dies." I feel like there was a smoother way to make that connection. Awkward wording killed your good description.

I love the idea of depression personified. It's a unique spin on a fairly cliche topic. The one thing a wasn't a fan of was the name. Was it a play on the word cruel? It just seems strange and out of place in a story like this.

Overall, your story was pretty strong. I liked how you personified depression and used the mind like a location. Keep on writing!




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 1:26 am
Omni wrote a review...



Hey there Biluata! Let's jump right in!

Her hands shook slightly as she touched the cap of the orange bottle that rattled with prescription pills.


Beware the use of adverbs! While words like "slightly" seem to help your sentence on the surface, most of the time they actually do the opposite! This article explains it in a clear and simple way. Modifier adverbs tend to drag your verbs down, which are the powerhouse of your sentences. You want your verbs as strong as possible.

She paused before withdrawing her hand, licking her lip nervously, as her breath came in those fast little gasps an animal makes before it dies.


Lots of present tense action here. It's not a good idea to switch between present and past tense too often.

Then, as if with sudden strength, she seized the bottle and twisted the cap off viciously, tipping a white pill into her hand and swallowing before sagging in her chair as though the action had taken all of the strength she had remaining.


There's a lot of filler words here, such as "as if" and "as though". They just aren't needed. "Then, with sudden, surprising strength, she seized the bottle a wrenched the cap off <--Here I used a stronger verb instead of the adverb "viciously". She tipped a white pill into her hand and swallowed, sagging in her chair, exhausted. <--I removed the entire section about taking all the strength she had remaining, but that's not really necessary. You could keep it in like so "sagging in her chair, as if the action took all the strength she had left.

Here’s to a depression-free future, she thought to herself.



Unless otherwise noted, thoughts are always to oneself. No need to mention that.

Kreyul leaned back in his chair, the legs balancing precariously on the floor as he fiddled with his tie.


Oh, we transitioned to another person. That was abrupt. Was the first paragraph even needed to be included if we're going to another POV right after?

Suddenly, there was a deep shaking, the very ground rumbling and tearing itself apart as a gaping fissure erupted beside him.


Good place to start a new paragraph. Your descriptions are really good, you're just switching between past and present tense a lot. Also, this following parts about the chains is a bit unexpected.

his green eyes sparkling even as his ribs ached and complained at the pressure.


Why is "even" here? Would his eyes sparkle if his ribs weren't aching and complaining?
Good personification of the ribs, though.

Cass threw on a sweater and brushed through her hair, looking into the mirror with a slight smile. She hadn’t dreamed last night, first night in months. It had been pleasant, waking up in the morning for once and feeling rested instead of more exhausted than she had been before she had gone to sleep the night before.


Okay, I'm used to the switching POVs now! I like how you describe things here. It's simple, but it works and is definitely relatable.

Cass froze for a moment, her hand hovering near her temple her eyes wide. The world suddenly seemed too bright, too loud, much to overwhelming.


temple, her eyes wide*
much too overwhelming*

oday had been going so well, she wasn’t willing to give that up yet.


Had it? The readers only got a paragraph of "her day was going well," so I'm not seeing that. If you want to hit home that it was actually going well, expand more on how different today was compared to how it is normally.

“You can’t, you know,” he crooned. “I’m a part of you. You can’t kill off a part of you. You and me, we’re a team. Together forever.” And he held her until the morning sun graced the sky before slipping back off into the whiteness, to wait for night to come again.


This was actually wonderful. I started catching on about halfway through, but the way this ended was just amazing. This perspective of either literally dealing with someone gnawing at your mind or metaphorically, like depression.

General Thoughts

-Great Concept
Like I said before, I think this is a great concept. This was a literal (and interesting) take on how the battle of depression works. At first I thought this was something magical, but you hinted at this from the very beginning with the depression pills and how Cass said "Here's to a depression-free future". It does make you think, although maybe not too much, as the sense of hopelessness at the end also forms a sense of finality to it. If you wanted to have more thoughts to it, you could have had more openness to the ending, like maybe Cass stared at those pills right before she fell asleep, and both of them say "Here's to tomorrow." It's a literal double meaning there, as Kreyul is gleefully thinking of how he has her in control tomorrow and how it will be a wonderful day for him, and Cass is thinking that she has to fight tomorrow again, and she's willing to give the pills another chance.

I also think that you could have explored how pills aren't the only source of escape from depression. I think you almost went there with the pills not working, but didn't go all the way. I've had depression before (still do actually, especially during this time of year) and pills aren't the only way that I deal with it. In fact, they're personally my last method of dealing with depression. Perhaps exploring the other ways would make this story even better.

-Abrupt Transitions
During the beginning, the transitions were very abrupt, and it felt like there was no connection between the two characters. In fact, the only time there was a clear connection between the two was at the very end. I recommend trying to weave their stories together more than just having the POVs switch every couple of paragraphs. Once again, it seems like you did start doing this, but didn't go all the way with it.

-Too much tense switching
You started this story in past tense, but through a lot of your descriptions you switched to present tense. It's easy to do and a lot of readers do it, but it's a bad habit and confuse the reader if you're not careful.

-Beware of adverbs
I talked about this above, but you had a large problem of using too many adverbs. I linked the article and it explains well why adverbs are basically a literary trap for writers, but I'm going to repeat it here. Oftentimes, adverbs just drag strong or vivid verbs down to being generic and clunky. Adverbs are inherently clunky (because of the added syllable by "ly") and ruins the flow of the sentence a large majority of the time.

-Too many filler words
I mentioned this above as well, but there's a lot of filler words here that don't actually add anything to the story. I mentioned a few of them, but just keep a look out for them when you revise this. Anything that doesn't immediately alter a noun or verb or is pertaining to the action you want to state should be removed. They end up slowing down the reader and makes the story harder to follow because of it.

Anyway, I hope this review helped and keep writing! <3

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Fri Jan 27, 2017 4:04 pm
FangirlDivided wrote a review...



Hello! I will say that this story is not quite what I had expected when I read the first little bit but it was definitely interesting. I like how you switch between the two and at first it is hard to tell what is going on and how they link, but it came together very well in the end. Your spelling and grammar are also very good.

I hope to read more stories from you in the future!

All The Best,
Fangirl/ed




Biluata says...


Thank you for your review!




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