Chapter three
Christian was disappointed that John had shown up at that time. Christy-Ann and I were having a great discussion, and he had to blow it!
Christian was walking home with Kevin, right after John had picked her up. Christian held burning anger within his heart. He was jealous.
He chewed on his tongue until they reached Kevin’s house. “Bye dude,” Kevin said, as he waved good-bye. Christian did not respond. Kevin frowned and walked into his house.
Christian turned the other way and started to walk. He was not going home. He felt like an idiot for not saying something about his feelings for Christy-Ann to her. Why are you such an idiot, huh? You’re never like this around other girls! Why her? Why?
He thought about that question and kept walking. He kept his eyes on the sidewalk in front of him. He walked out of Kevin’s neighborhood, and then it started to rain. It wasn’t a heavy rain, but just a light sprinkle.
Christian was very disappointed in himself. He sighed and kept walking.
Finally, after walking for a long distance, he turned into a dark alley.
He had never been here before, and knew why. This was just a small little alley between a large bank, and some apartments. There was a big metal garbage can in the alley, which took up most of the room.
Christian knew that this is where people got mugged, or swapped illegal drugs. He looked through the darkness to see a man.
The man was short, about up to Christian’s shoulder. He had a bulky figure, and, as far a Christian could tell, no or little hair.
Christian tried not to notice him, but the stranger saw him and said in a very old, and mysterious voice, “My dear.”
The man let his tongue purr of the “r” of the last word. Christian tried to look away, but the man had caught him. “Come here,” the old man said.
Christian looked at the man and then stepped back.
“I have a job for you…”
“I’m sorry, you must have the wrong person,” Christian said as he backed away.
Suddenly, in a swift and surprisingly accurate move, the man swept over and grabbed Christian’s shirt collar.
Christian gasped and tried to break free of the old man’s tight grip, but it was useless.
“I know who you are… Christian.” Said the old man.
Christian’s eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly. The man’s grip was still firm on his collar. “Who are you?”
The old man opened his mouth, showing old and yellow teeth. His breath smelled of vomit. Christian grimaced.
“M’name is Krobeth. And I have a job for you. It pays well.”
Christian tried to get more details about the old man and saw that he had a very round head, and just a little hair on the sides of this head. He wore very beaten up clothing and torn up shoes. He was obviously a homeless man.
“No, now get away from me, you idiot! I’ll call the police on you!”
Christian screamed as he furiously kicked the man in the groin.
Krobeth doubled up and bent down, screaming in pain. Christian hurriedly tried to run, but Krobeth grabbed his leg.
“Get off me you idiot!” Christian yelled as Krobeth gripped tighter.
“I’ll be here when you come back.” Krobeth said through his teeth.
Christian suddenly fell down; Krobeth had released him. Christian scrambled up to his feet and took off, back through the way he came.
Christian told his parents about the day’s events, and when he mentioned the homeless man, Krobeth, his parents took on a very serious attitude.
“This man’s name is Krobeth?” his mother asked him, “John, call the police.”
Christian’s father stood up and walked to the telephone. He dialed a number, and John started talking to the police.
Christian’s mother, Lori, looked back at her son. “Did he touch you, or violate you, or anything?”
Christian nodded. “He grabbed my shirt and ankle because I was trying to get away.” He nodded his head as he spoke.
“Oh my Lord,” Lori stated, shaking her head. A tear rolled down her eye. “John! I want that man arrested and sent to jail!”
John nodded and talked sternly on the telephone.
“What did he say to you?” Asked Lori, “ Did he want you to do anything?”
Christian thought for a moment. “Yeah,” he said slowly, “he wanted me to do a job for him… like… I don’t know… he said he would pay me.”
Lori stared at him. Her lip trembled. She wiped her eyes and said directly to Christian, “You will never go to that part of the city again, do you understand? Do you?”
Christian nodded, “Yes Mother.”
The next day, Christian went to school, and did not mention anything about Krobeth. He didn’t exactly know why he did; he just didn’t feel right about talking to anyone right then. Besides the disturbing talk with Krobeth, Christian only thought about Christy-Ann. He only saw her in the hallways now, because she had transferred out of his lunch, and into one with her best friend, Kim Garcia. Whenever he walked past her, she would smile and Christian would wave, and turn his head. He trembled whenever he was near her, and had major butterflies in his stomach.
Christian was in love.
But, as always, someone had to ruin it all. John Summers was still going out with Christy-Ann, and took her on a date three times a week. This made Christian furious and wanted to kill John. His anger led to jealousy because John had tons of money, inherited by his rich grandfather, who used to own a large chocolate factory, but past away.
Now whenever he saw Christy-Ann, he thought of John and he would bit his lip. Hatred filled his heart and he would often sluff school because it led to anger and short-patience. Christian almost felt like begging for money, just so he could impress Christy-Ann, and he could show John off also.
That is what led him to returning to Krobeth.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
I liked this one, too. It seems better when you're writing from Christian's point of view... then again, I've only read three of them all, so I guess I'll just have to read more.
I liked the thing with the Krobeth dude. I like his name, by the way. I wonder how long it took you to make that up? Or maybe it just popped into your head? It always takes me forever to think of names.. that's one of my weaknesses.
Anyway, enough about me...
The thing with Krobeth was very creepy. It all seemed a little too sudden, though. Maybe you should have him walking down the alley, getting chills, and commenting on how freaky and abnormal it is. [Also, it seemed a little random that he went down the alley to me. Maybe that's how it's meant to be, but you could like have him decide he felt bored so he wanted to try something that he thought might be dangerous or at least out of the usual?? I don't know. Am I helping at all?] Anyway, if you could make it less sudden, I think it would add something to this already really good story. Then, you could have Krobeth suddenly appear in the dim lighting.. I'm guessing it's dim? Try to work more descriptions into all your writing. I do really really like what you have so far, though.
Keep writing. PM me with questions, comments, concerns, and if you need any help.
StarDuster
Can you say “C-R-E-E-P-Y!!” That was so scary, especially when that Krobeth guy knew Christian’s name. Gives me the chills just thinking about it. Ug…
This is a major example of Telling rather than Showing. The first sentence “Christian was very disappointed in himself”?? What! SHOW us that he is disappointed himself, like kicking a wall, or slouching in the halls with his hands in his pockets. Don’t tell us. That ruins the atmosphere that you are creating.
Missing the word “now”. Slip it in between “and” and “knew”
Awkward. I think you mean “off” instead of “of” but still, it sounds weird. Try to rewrite the way you like cause I got nothing
Comma instead of a period after “Christian” and a small “s” on “said”
Comma after “me”
Comma after “back” instead of a period.
John?? Isn’t that the same name as the guy dating Cristy?? I would change that to something else, just because it will get confusing after awhile.
Comma after “yes”
In love?? Huh?? That’s a little soon, don’t you think?? He hasn’t really even talked to her before…besides that time in the parking lot. Otherwise, once on his record?? Kind of unrealistic, I think. But you can keep it.
Now, overall:
I. I noticed this before, but in this chapter, it was really noticeable. The word “said”. You use it constantly. Try other words to describe dialogue tags besides “said”. There are so many! Experiment with others!
II. The scene with his parents after the Krobeth thing. Very…odd. I mean, if it were my parents, they would be seriously freaking out! Screaming, grounding me, then calling the police. His parents are so calm, so collected, and thin his mom starts crying?? I don’t know…try to expand that scene. Help us see more of it through Christian’s eyes.
III. Krobeth scene. I found it to be pretty good. It creeped me out, that was for sure
IV. His hatred for John. Seems sort of irrational and unexplained. I felt that part was very rushed over. You need to help us understand Christian’s rage for him. I mean, we know it is about Cristy, but what about it that makes him so mad? And is he bewildered by his behavior? Or is this rage normal for him? We still don’t really know your characters. Help us out!
Well, on to chapter four!
Again, showing, not telling. Everything before us shows that Christian is in love. the last sentance really just ruins it. It turns a nice example of showing into a telling.
Christian doesn't seem like the kind of person who would say mother. It sounds more like a goodie-two-shoes girl with a smug smileand a polished apple in her hand. sounds like my little sister XD lol jk. Anyway, Christian seems more like the kind of teen that would say, "okay, Mom."
But yeah, keep writing. XD I'm finally able to crit! woo-hoo! *shuffles off to #4 *
This was by far my favorite cahhpter. You had more action and less telling. You make the reader want to go on to the next chapter.
When you said he was jealous at the beginning, this didn't make much since. I would understand if he was mad, but not jealous, because if i remember right, Christy-Ann didn't want to leave when they were talking-- but then again he could be jealous of Jon-- also, you use names to much.
Other than that it was very good-- off to read Chapter 4!
Now some action!! I really didn't know you were going to add that. Not too cliche!!
I love to be surprised while I'm reading. I agree with all the above reviews and I will not repeat them here. Some places you tell what Christian is thinking but in some places we have no idea what he's thinking. Like when his Mother started crying and acted so surprised, so shoked about Krobeth as if she knew him. If assuming she's heard of him. What was Christan thinking? Was he confused about his mother reaction. Did he scared?
Etc.
On to Chapter 4
icy
Well, the above comments fill in my opinions fairly well. You tend to use names fairly often, it gets annoying and rather confusing at points, such as:
“Christian’s father stood up and walked to the telephone. He dialed a number, and John started talking to the police.”
You used John for no reason, you’ve established that it is Christian’s father and then use “john” so the “he” indicates Christian and not his father. You do this at various points through the chapter, and the story, keep a watch out for those that don’t fit.
I also found Christian telling his parents a little odd. Teenage boys don’t normally run to their parents about this stuff. And after the parents reaction it is a little odd that Christian finds nothing wrong with their behaviour, he just accepts it and moves on.
You are often just telling us what is going on, try showing us some events, don’t just explain what is happening, show us. Present some real events, like you do with the tussle between Krobeth and Christian.
I would also suggest that you read through your story, out loud. That should point out the flaws in punctuation and dialogue as well as flow and word problems.
Again, this has a level of potential, but I think you need to keep an eye on consistency. Keep at it.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Its good! But in my opinion you need to stop saying 'Christian' so much. You seem to constantly say his name instead of saying 'he' or something like that and so it gets a bit irritating to read. Also i agree with Fangala the Flying, you need to stop telling and start showing. theres hardly any dialouge in it and nothing is really going on except for short descriptions.
Oh, one more thing. Why would Christian tell his parents about his strange encounter? Is he very close to them? Most teenagers avoid their parents like the plague, so if you want to keep the conversation between them, first establish his relationship with his parents.
Okay, that's it. I'm off to read chapter four!
I like the way this story is developing. However, you need to work on showing and not telling. We know that Christian hates John's guts. But you don't need to tell us. Instead, say something like, "Christian had a powerful desire to punch John's teeth into his pea-sized brain." You know, something like that.
And I'm sorry, but a chocolate factory? Was his grandpa Willly Wonka? I mean, it's funny, but not quite in context.
How would Christian know that people dealt drugs in the alley? Had he heard rumors, or was he himself a drug dealer?
Also, Krobeth screams when Christian kicks him you-know-where. Screaming seems like a feminine thing to do. Have him howl, curse, or grunt instead. Something macho.
This is getting really exciting. I can't wait to read more!
i love it, i sure hope you have the 4th chapter done, cause honestly it is hard waiting .
you took your story in a whole different direction, i wasnt expecting that, now besides a love story, you have mystery and adventure. please let me know when you post the next one. and thanks again for letting me know on this post.
kim