Hey guys! You know that other song, "We Used to Be?" Yeah, well, this is from the same musical I am writing, "Beautifully Evil." Hope you like it! This is sung by Mary, after she is abused and hates life.
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Is my life—a fairy tale?
Has my happily ever after—failed?
Are my magical woods filled with hatred and tears?
Now that he…is gone…
Chorus
It’s not—like once upon a time
It’s gone for ever, ever more
The magical woods of time
Have all but dissipated
Like once upon a time
Is he—not forgiving?
Will my life—never change?
Now that his love is gone, disappeared,
Can I live the same, ever again?
It’s not once upon a time anymore!
No! It will never be the same!
With him not there
I don’t stand a chance
Not even a fighting hope to win…
In my once upon a time land.
Repeat chorus
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How is it? Is my musical worth writing?
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,597 Reviews
WOW its got an AMAAAAAZING stanza and if ure only 14 then ure sure 2 get noticed!
It flows really nicely. I think you are a good song writer and yes your music is worth writing.
One edit that I have was in this:
"It’s not—like once upon a time
It’s gone for ever, ever more
The magical woods of time
Have all but dissipated
Like once upon a time"
You may have done this on purpose, but I don't really like the use of "time" three times in a row in the chorus. Sorry.
Other than that, good, I'm going to go see about some other songs of yours.
I like it. its easy to relate to.
I think this musical is worth writing.
I think that your lyrics are really good! I can already see a tune coming out, and It's really big. I've seen/heard/sung really bad songs that lack substance (I should know, I'm a singer), but I can see yours being as famous as Defying Gravity from Wicked because people can relate to the lyrics.
Hey, BBB. Thanks for responding to my critique exchange idea.
Anyway, I've been meaning to critique this for a while. It's SO awesome that you're writing a musical to Beautifully Evil! Actually, I write songs to most of my stories, too, so that's something we have in common.
As for the actual poem, I feel it lacks substance. There is no real imagery in here; it's mostly just pointless blather about how much Mary's life sucks.
This stanza is way to jerky. Get rid of the hyphens and elipses and it'll flow much better. Actually, the magical woods line is very good. That creates a vivid mental picture for me.
This is very repetative. Also, you go a little overboard with the exclamation marks. These two verses lack substance, and they don't let me inside Mary's heart. I don't feel her pain like I did in the story. You should play around with imagery, and remember that in poetry, you can go all-out and say the most bizarre things and they'll sound incredible.
I love your writing, BBB, and you should definitely continue writing this musical! Best of luck, and keep up the good work!
Fangala
Gadi >> no, I mean that she thinks that the world isn't like a fairtale. There are no happily ever afters.
What do you mean by the "Once upon a time"? That she wanted it to be perfect relationship, or...that it was once upon a time...fairy tale...
thats really good. u have talent!
I really like it, the flow was fantastic and the word choice and all those things and...
Really like it. Keep up the good work
I really liked your song. It was very good. It flowed nicely as I read it. Your a great song writer.