Chapter two
Mary sighed. She had been watching Christian talk to that stupid preppy girl. I think Christy-Ann is her name.
She frowned and turned to walk back home. She lived with her father. She had no mother, and if she did, she either left her, or was dead. Her father never spoke about her.
She did not like her father. He would often hit her, or yell and swear at her, when he was drunk. She had learned to bear the pain, and sufferings. With the abuse, alcohol, and breaking up with Christian, her life was a nightmare.
She was often found, in the middle of class, crying. She had every reason and right to be.
This last week, the day before school had started, her father had come home drunk, and pulled a gun of the underwear drawer. He had threatened to shoot her if she did not cooperate. She did, and had to go through a series of difficult and painful challenges.
She could not, and would not, ever call the police. They had no telephone, and if her father would ever of caught her, then she would be in for it. She might not even come out alive.
Mary had no friends. Ever since the breakup, she was lonely. A tear dropped out of her eye.
Mary wanted a reason in life. Why was she born? What good does it do now? She hated her life, more than anything in the entire world. Ever since her childhood, everything had gone wrong. When her father and become a drunk, her life went down in the dumps.
Mary disliked her house. It wouldn’t even be qualified for a house, but it is where she had to live. The rooftop was destroyed, so when there was a rainstorm, their few pieces of furniture would have to air-dry. They had no bathroom, or telephone, and the only expensive thing that her and her father owned was a long, silver sword, hung up above the fireplace.
When she walked into the torn up house, she threw her pack and binder on a dirty, broken chair. She wiped a tear off of her cheek, and quietly headed to her tiny room.
As she looked around, she saw all of her few clothing thrown on the floor. Most likely, her father had thrown them there; but she did not care.
She slowly climbed up on her bed. Her bed was her favorite possession, besides her diary, where most of the events that she goes through is written down. Her bed was comfortable and the only place in the house where she could lie down and rest. She would often spend hours upon hours just lying on her bed, thinking.
When she was comfortable, she reached for her diary. It was not an interesting color of diary, but the most exciting and dreadful stories are told inside of it.
Dear Diary,
Today was no better than the day before. Christian still ignores me, and I cannot go up to him just yet. I just do not have the strength, or will.
Please, if there is anyone who cares about me, or loves me, please God, make them known to me. I need someone to care for me. My father will kill me if I do not escape sooner or later. I hope sooner.
Mary
Mary finished writing her entry for that day, and set aside her pen and diary. She dug her head inside her pillow, and started to cry.
End of chapter
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140,613 Literary Works • 673,553 Reviews
I definitely liked the first chapter better. This does let the reader in with some insight into Mary's life, but it seemed a little sudden and short.
About the destroyed roof.. are there holes in it or is it totally gone? this was confusing to me.. and if it's gone, then someone would have to notice, right?
It seemed like you began too many paragraphs - one right after the other - with "Mary". It makes the story sound repetitive. I know these types of stories are rough... I'm writing one for a graduation project about an abused girl, so I know how tough it is to get through all the knots and kinks that come up.. especially when you don't really know how it is, when you don't have the experience to write with. I've found it easier to write with things I've had experience with, so I guess I wanted to challenge myself.
If you end up having trouble with Mary's point of view, have you considered sticking with only Christian's? Just a suggestion. Not saying you should. Her view definitely adds more insight into the story, but if you are having difficulties, you could have Christian find out or something.. I don't know.
Any questions, feel free to PM me. Like I said, I know how difficult it can be to write something like this, so don't hesitate. I'm a mouse-click away.
StarDuster
Hmm, that chapter was fairly short and I’m not sure I like the length. I seemed to enjoy the longer one better. But I guess that is how it goes…:wink:
Missing the word “out” Slip it in between “gun” and “of”
Confusing sentence. I understand what you are saying but it is really oddly worded. Try something like: They had no telephone, and if her father would have ever caught her on one, she would be in for it. I think that it what you are trying to say but I’m not sure…if it’s not, I suggest a rewrite.
Missing the word “pieces” Slip it in between “few” and “clothing”
“are” instead of “is” here
This is a perfect time to describe the diary more. What interesting color? What exciting and dreadful stories? Maybe put her through a flash back here or something. Anything to help us connect to the character more.
Now, for the overall thing:
I. Your Description. Very few, almost none. You need to help us see the world you are creating. You need to paint us an image, create us a fantasy. Adding details about your characters, about their lives. But the house scene was really good. I liked that one
II. Mary. She’s a good character. Reminds me of the book I just finished reading called “Out of Focus” by: Margaret Buffie. It was an amazing book. I suggest you read it
III. Diary Entry. Short and blunt. Maybe expand that part more, lengthen it to show more of what Mary is feeling. But that is a totally suggestion that you can either take it or leave it. Up to you
Well, other than that, this was good. Still needs a bit of work but what piece doesn’t?
*on to chapter three*
I agree with the others: too much telling. It does seem a little cliched, but if you look at my stories, you'll find cliches all over the place. Cliches aren't bad things--Shakespeare used every cliche in the book, and I can name several stories that weren't his own--but people do get bored of them. A lot of people will just see a cliche and say, "Oh, I know what's going to happen next, because I've seen this before" and won't even bother with the rest of your stroy.
Anyway, this seems a little melodramatic. I understand that you're trying to make us feel for mary, but even though you make us understand about her life, it seems to me like she's another emo teenager. It needs to be deeper. I see stupid kids with almost everything act like this every day. Mary just doesn't reach me any more than those stupid kids.
But really, that's all have I to say. Good job!
This was ok, but I agree with the others if she is crying during class and things are as bad as you explain them to be then some one has to notice. I am majoring in Psychology and Adolescent counseling, so I'm sure that either a counselor or a curious teacher would take notice of such displays. I agree that you need to elaborate on the abuse she is going through, if you get a chance take a look at the book called "A Child Called IT" By Dave Peltzer.
This chapter was ok, but i agree you are doing to much telling. You do need to add more detail about her challenges. But you also need to add some action in this chapter. If you don't you could lose the readers interest. Overall it has been a good story, a little cliche though
She could not, and would not, ever call the police. They had no telephone, and if her father would ever of caught her, then she would be in for it. She might not even come out alive.
Isn't this enough? I mean, should I instert a part that shows Mary trying to contact the police? What would happen? I don't know! I have never reported my parents. I don't know how the law works.
Let's just say that Mary tells the police. Now what happens? Will her father be sent to jail? Anyway, if you have time to answer this, you rock!
BBB
Well, the whole "victim" thing is a first. It's something Harlequin writers and Danielle Steel like to use a lot. It sends a message that the character is always stronger than she seems and is basically a hero because of this. It's a cliche, so I'd avoid it. Unless there's something lovable about the father, any girl in their right mind would know to leave such a hostile environment. Also, it immediately informs you that this person's probably going to be scarred by this and not going to have much of a sense of humor or much fun. Mary needs a quirk or a cut.
I'd also like an explanation as to why Mary sniffed up another tree. Obviously there's a reason to do it, or she's just not very bright. If that's the case, the sympathy you're trying to set up for her will just be a waste of time, because we're all cognizant of the fact that everyone tends to feel sorry for themselves from time to time. It's only natural, considering the only situations we will ever fully understand the best are our own.
Even past all this, I really want to like Mary. Christy-Ann seems too helpless. Sure, romantic is something for men to be to women, but men aren't the only ones who have to have a spine. Sometimes, these romances need to involve the woman realizing the man won't always be there to sweep her off her feet.
I like Christian the best. He, at least, takes some risks. Not bad, B3.
The Negatives
You are basically TELLING about Mary. Try and show your readers, her life her feelings through your writings. Maybe a scene with her father when she comes home. While reading, I felt as if I was reading a list. Also your style is a bit monotonous. Spice it up! Try and read your story out loud. Your plot is good, though not new.
And now the positives:
you've accomplished something very good, and I guess rare too, you've hooked your reader. I have to all the chapters now. Lets see how your story goes. At first when I was reading your story I was thinking that you were going to be writing a story which is all about people who are all beautiful and rich and popular, yadayada. But after reading the bit about Mary I was wrong. You story has a lot of reality.
ANother thing I'd like to share with you about writing is
It VERY important that you know you characters, your plot inside out. If you don't know what's going on with Mary you, the writer can't get into her feelings, her emotion and explain it very well. Then your story doesn't seem REAL . Treat your chracters like real people. They are all unique. You should know everything about Mary, even the things you won't be writing about in your stroy.
What is her height?
Her favourite food?
Her shoes size?
Her fav. colour?
Her favourite subject, her best subject.
Is she shy?
If you were to have a conversation with her, how would it go?
I know you have already finished your story, but remeber these things.
Hope they'll help in the future.
all the best.
-icy
PM me if you think i was too harsh
I have to say I agree with the above comments, my first thought on reading “series of difficult and painful challenges.” Thought of rape, then of odd army activities, because she didn’t say she cried or anything. It was all very odd.
She seems a little whiny, I know that sounds odd, but she says all this stuff is happening, but as Twit says, she doesn’t go to welfare or anything, even though they could protect her. And if she cries in class all the time, they should know something is wrong; does she go to school with bruises, have torn clothes, can she afford lunch? These are all things that I wonder about because of the lack of explanation or elaboration.
The whole chapter seems like a quick filler of Mary’s life, and info dump of sorts, just for background. As well as being terribly cliché, as Twit also mentioned. The whole chapter is like “this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened” there is no description of the events, or the why, or the emotions. You just skip over it all then cut to her diary, which – for a dairy that “holds the most exciting and dreadful stories” – is very short and basic.
Again, this has a level of potential, but I think it needs quite a bit more description and effort. Keep at it.
Once again, I hope you don’t find this too harsh, and I apologise if you do.
Any questions, rants, or hate mail? Feel free to pm me ^.^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
You should definitely put something in about the challenges she's going through... otherwise it's just unnecessarily confusing, and anyways, why should anyone care if they don't know what she's going through?
You're the writer; you're supposed to be telling us what's going on.
Just try and picture something hard and difficult that you have to do... I was picturing like getting hit and whipped with a belt and stuff, and yeah.. stuff like that...not as bad as rape
You'd be surprised at how many do just that. Look on the BBC website sometime. Sad, but true.
But how can you write it if you don't know what it was? I'm not trying to be nasty, I'm curious.
No, not rape... What father would rape their child? Anyway, I don't know what she had to go through, but let's just say that it wasn't fun.
thanks for letting me know the 2nd chap. was up. other then typo errors, i really like it. i could feel the emotion you are trying to aim for. her life is miserable, and this chapter leaves you wondering how far she is willing to go, to escape the hell she is in. please keep letting me know when you post the rest. and as far as typo errors , we all do that. keep going!!!!!!!
kim
Why doesn't she run away? Call Childline? Tell someone?
... Rape? Going through difficult and painful challenges makes it sound like an army assault course.
The "Dear Diary" bit sounds a touch cliche.
This could be a good story, but it is a bit cliched.