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137,564 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
...Uhm...thanks. Wow. Reading that review...just punctured my confidence a little...and maybe my heart. Haha..I feel as if i was just stabbed... O_o
Thanks for the tips though...I'll uh..look into it. And re-post it later...maybe....
-Brie
I disliked this piece, to be honest. :/
First of all, first person angst is even harder than your usual first person, because first person angst demands that the audience angsts with the main character and sympathizes with her, all on top of the main character needing voice. On another note, angst aside, your main character has no voice whatsoever.
What is voice? I've said this time and time again, but voice is that unique quality to the tone of a piece that sets it apart from everything else. Voice is what the author sounds like leaking into the piece. It's not authorial intrusion, not by far, but it's the way the words are strung together, the choice of sentence patterns, the way punctuation marks are used. Mostly it's the words. In first person, voice is particularly important. I generally dislike first person POV pieces for this reason - not enough writers realize the importance of voice.
First person is not to be used unless your character is so powerfully different that he/she /sounds/ fundamentally different from any other first person POV book I might pick up. It might be in her world view, or it might be through the way she simply sounds. Either way, she has to be different. Otherwise, third person is a much better choice. This is not to say third person doesn't require voice, but it certainly requires a good deal less than first person.
The challenge of first person is also to make the reader feel as if he's seeing everything going on inside the character's head. The reader must feel as if he/she is *in* the person's head. An easier way to accomplish this is to use third person close, because first person demands a greater connection between the main character and the reader. You must evoke strong emotions from the reader - whether immense love or great hate. The second has to be accompanied by a foreboding sense of doom, but let's not talk about that.
Next, in first person, you cannot narrate as if you're seeing the main character from the outside. The word must be painted with the MC's biases, and things the narrator cannot see must not be noticed. "My sleep was dreamless." Only she hasn't woken up yet. o-o Not possible. "I turn red as a tomato." Unless she's facing a mirror, she won't see that. And so on and so forth. Be very careful of these.
Lastly, your conflict is kinda screwed. She wants to get away from home, so she leaves. ...I don't really see any conflict, or anything getting in her way. For a story to be strong, two people must want opposing things, or at the very least, something must stand in your protagonist's way. Maybe there's a blizzard and she can't get to her safe spot. Whatever. But there has to be something in her way, okay? Here, she leaves and no one stops her. No conflict. oo"
Also, the angst here is so overwhelming I can't really identify with it. It smacks me in the face too hard. Show me her thought process instead of her complaints and maaaaaybe we'll have something going on. As of now, I don't really feel like reading about her cause I dislike her so much, but it's obvious the story favors her. If I dislike a character, there has to be a sense of retribution coming for me to read on. =] You want to paint your character in a sympathetic light, so don't overdo the angst. It seems a bit melodramatic here. ^^" I understand she's a teenager and teenagers have a penchant for melodrama, but readers don't. If you want a character to be melodramatic, show us admirable traits before you show us her melodrama. =]
Your prose also tended to get too flowery for first person at times. It's not flowery per se, but it's flowery when you take into account the fact that it is first person. You don't look at a window and say dancing lights or something unless it's something really beautiful (and this scene isn't supposed to be beautiful).
On another note, show, don't tell. You don't think, "I'm scared" when you're truly terrified. No - a thousand thoughts race through your brain. Show me those thousand thoughts instead of telling me she's scared. =]
Hope this helped! If you ever need anything, just ask me, okay?
Sincerely,
Octave
Hey!
So, this was a very cool little story, and I'm very glad that I came across it and was able to read it. I can definitely say that I've felt the same way as the main character in the story, not once, but many, many times, and I've read something similar to it before. I like how they're isn't a lot to it, yet it's the simple conflict that we can relate to, complimented by good descriptions and imagery. Even though I liked it a lot, there's something about it that left me cold, something about it that prevented me from liking it as much as feel like I should.
It doesn't make that much of an impression me because there isn't exactly anything to make it stand out. I suppose that I still have to read the second part, but you can, I think, make the detail a lot stronger, expand and flesh this out with what you have right now. Who is this character? What is her name? Who is shouting, and why does she want to get away? You don't have to give us a lot of information about her, but just try to make her feel like more of a well-rounded, real person then just a girl who faces a common human problem.
There isn't a lot more that I can say because this story isn't completed, but, like SmylinG said, this felt somewhat fragmented because of the divisions. Give me a shout when the next part of this up and/or if you have any questions! Overall, this is a great piece that could definitely benefit from revisions.
~ Elinor
So, I have to say, I had a little deja vu running into this. Mostly because I've written something quite similar in a way I guess. Only mine is much more miserable sounding than this. (A good thing!) I haven't yet posted it, but it mind me a whole load curious just to see what your story was about. ^-^
I sort of liked the idea you had gotten going here, but by the time my head was just starting to wrap itself around your story, the whole thing sort of just came to a halt. You said you would be adding a second part to this, and I think you could have easily combined it into here. For one, the story would go down a bit smoother. I think that by separating this into two parts, when it isn't even that long to begin with, might just shatter the flow of it all.
My advice wouldn't be to split it up. Which I understand you left it on a sort of cliff hanger for your readers, but that's another point I sort of wanted to bring up as well. Something had snagged your main character by the leg you said. I expected this to be something that took your story into a weird or disturbing place, but as I read on I noticed how very nonchalant you had made things. Right after she had gotten her leg snagged, you wrote this:
You totally pulled the readers mind from the part about something snagging her leg and causing her to fall with the bit about the jacket. On top of it, the whole mysterious growling animal just vanishes from the story. You on to talking about how she drifts into sleep there in the forest. Nothing really made sense together at this point, by you adding in that something snagged her leg. And unless it will issue some significance by the second part of your story, I'd advise maybe removing it, and allowing the character's startlement or fear instead be the thing to cause her to trip.
Now aside from that segment there where your story comes to a close for this first part, I'd just like to say that I did enjoy the overall clarity and articulation of your words. It made this story more interesting to want to read. An example of something I really liked:
This here is very simple and beautifully written. It packs a punch in so few words, and I can admire that. Sometimes I can be very inarticulate with my words, and sometimes I can be really smooth and flowing in the same. Looking at the bigger picture here, I think you did a very clean job of telling a story. The way you described the character walking away when the fighting got to be too insane, that was more of where the emotion was originating from. And the way you described the forest enclosing itself around the girl as she continued to walk was nice to. There's something magical I think about having an environment like that just out the backyard.
Be sure to remember to not let your words be the only thing to write down the emotion involved. You want to really inject the character's feelings into the reader's mind. Try to evoke real feeling in every time you jot down a scene or thoughts. All that said, I think you maybe have a great first draft here. Keep up the nice work!
-Smylin'