(This was a piece I wrote over 2 years ago. I went back and revised it, and this is what it came out as! This is the link to the original, if anyone is interested: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=87575
Thank you ahead of time- I'll review anyone who reviews this piece as well!)
“Mother,” was all she said.
A woman of forty looked up into the stony eyes of a sorrow filled young lady. Immediately, her face brightened and a shimmer of hope grew visible in her glassy eyes. A finger reached forward slowly, then two, then three, then two hands altogether, grabbing at the young adult, but only grasping bars.
“Allison,” breathed Millicent.
The daughter’s head bent downward and she shook it. “Camille. My name is Camille, mother.”
“Oh.” Millicent’s hands let go of the bars and the sliver of hope in her eyes vanished. Stepping back from the cell bars she made her way to the small cot in the corner, collapsing upon it face up in a sigh of disappointment.
“There’s something I need to tell you,” Camille said.
A mumble of words strung from Millicent, incomprehensible to the ears of anyone more than a few inches away from her. Camille picked her head up, unblinking, and questioned Millicent on what she said. Camille shielded herself against what her mother was about to snap out.
“Hearing problems too I see? Next it’ll be some lethal disease. You’re useless and pathetic, unlike Allison,” Millicent grumbled. Camille swallowed the gasp of pain in her throat. The fake hair upon her head suddenly became itchy.
“Mother, I have-“
Millicent held up a hand as she stood up, rage and wild anger flaring in her eyes. “Are you Allison?” Camille’s eyes started to shine and she bit her lip, not speaking. “No you aren’t. Why isn’t my baby girl here…”
Camille stood there, unsure of what to say, mind spinning with words she wanted to speak, but knew there was no point in saying.
“Now get out of here you worthless brat!” Millicent barked. With that, she turned and shuffled back to the bed, slowly sinking onto it, letting out a sob. Camille could hear her saying that one name over and over as Millicent curled up in a ball. “Allison. Oh Allison.”
After minutes of standing there, watching her mother cry over her perfect imaginary daughter, Camille backed away, murmuring to herself, “I love you too mom.”
Outside of the station, Camille’s eyes filled with tears and a sob much like her mother’s escaped from her throat. As she curled up in the passenger’s seat of her car, she let the tears fall silently. A hand touched her arm.
He sighed. “I don’t understand why you do this to yourself...”
Camille looked into his eyes. “Every mother deserves her daughter’s love.”
“And every daughter deserves her mother’s love. But Camille? That isn’t your mother anymore.”
Staring straight ahead, Camille remained silent as the car pulled away from the hospital.
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137,564 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Sob...sniffle. Hello there Bhayden this is an anonymous being of numerical value here to give his opinion on your little tearjerker.
First off i would like to give a couple dark things called criticism (dun dun dun)
I think you could tighten up the first part of your story because there are a couple sentence structure problems:
1: when you say, "and a shimmer of hope grew visible" you have used the word visible incorrectly. One way you could have said it was like this, "and a shimmer of hope emanated from her glassy eyes"
2: What the person below me said. You have to stay in one place. It would be better if you stated where the character was early in the story.
Now on to compliments. Fun, happy, yay!
First off i like how your story really brings in the reader. I was really into the story when i read it. Secondly i would like to say that you did an excellent job showing the characters dilemma. Quick and clear.
Thanks for the story, eat your broccoli and keep writing!
Hmmm, I don't seem to be following what exactly is going on here. But I can correct somethings.
1. Place
Outside of the station, Camille’s eyes filled with tears.......
Camille remained silent as the car pulled away from the hospital.
Which is it? You must make sure that your place is the same throughout.
2. Ellipses
You use a ton of them:
Examples:
"No you aren’t. Why isn’t my baby girl here…”
“I don’t understand why you do this to yourself...”
Okay, maybe not as many as I thought, but still more than what is needed.
3.Dialogue
The dialogue throughout seems forced, but more so at the end.
“And every daughter deserves her mother’s love. But Camille? That isn’t your mother anymore.”
This line seems to forced, it's words mechanical.
It can flow just as well with:
"Every daughter deserves her mother's love also. That isn't the Mother you know anymore Camille."
It holds the same punch, does it not? But it also flows better.
That's all I have to offer.
Wow. Nice curveball! Love it. At first, I thought the daughter was in jail and had changed her name, but you totally surprised me! Great job with this. I loved how you split up the paragraphs for dialogue. (Something I struggle with cuz I'm too lazy to do it and want to get on with the writing:) Loved you word choices as well. Keep writing!
Thank you very much
Ill head on over to your works and review;) Any specific piece you'd like me to read??
Uhh, sure! Here's a couple links... I'd be happy to review anything else you want done!
Across the Atlantic- First 3 entries
Deep in the Canyon
Hey, thehotinpsychotic here to review!
So, this was pretty good. A very interesting and melancholy idea. My favorite part was probably when it was revealed who Allison was.
Now, my only two critiques are that you should try to write in present tense rather than past and that it wouldn't hurt to elaborate on who the man at the end is. Also, I wish this was longer. This was good, but I feel like it'd be even better if you took the idea and just ran with it! Keep writing!
Thank you:) And i know, I try my very hardest to write longer stories but I just get so excited to get to the end haha. Would you like me to review a certain piece of your work?
If you don't mind, you can do whatever you want, thanks
If you don't mind, you can do whatever you want, thanks
If you don't mind, you can do whatever you want, thanks
If you don't mind, you can do whatever you want, thanks
If you don't mind, you can do whatever you want, thanks
If you don't mind, you can do whatever you want, thanks