(This is not an opening/prologue to a novel or anything. This is just a simple FLASH FICTION piece. I will not be adding much more onto this unless needed. Wants to keep it short. Any review is welcome, just don't be too mean. Thanks you guys- Brie)
Does he even see what he does to me? Those eyes, that smile, so alluring and charming, yet mysterious and perplexing at the exact same time. Will he ever understand what a single bash of an eye lash or flash of a smile does to my insides? Somehow, I doubt he’ll ever understand the sacred meaning he holds within my heart.
The way he walks, the way he talks…it’s so magically graceful, like a prince and his white stallion running into the direction his love calls. Every movement melts my heart all over, and with every word I fall deeper than anyone could ever imagine.
His hugs, so warm and safe, but so quick and easy it kills me all over again. Even in that fraction of a second when I’m in his strong arms, I feel loved, nothing in the world ever good enough to create the same effect. I was made to fit in his arms, and I knew it.
But did he, the king of affection and charm, weakening the knees of all who walk by? While I fall to my knees, giving everything I ever had, did he notice the truth in my love at all? Did he even notice my love?
And the worst part of all was the fact that, to him, the simple acts of a hello or hug, meant nothing more than a greeting and embrace, while, to me, it meant the world. In a quick second of contact, he sends a electric current through my body, getting rid of all the mental notes I made to not fall for his act of caring.
Hugs were just hugs, smiles were just smiles, and hellos were just hellos. Neither one meant anything special to him, a greeting in basic term. And I knew it. I knew that he gave no real meaning to the little acts of kindness. But, yet, if I knew, why did I keep falling for him? My heart was breaking, and it was all because I was too mesmerized by his god-like appearance and his seductive words to do anything about it…
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,638 Literary Works • 672,055 Reviews
Hi,
You could almost see this situation. You did a phenominal. One thing, though:
With that section, either add more or take away some so it is a more dramatic ending. You just kind of stopped. It would have been more heartfelt and dramatic. Let it fade out, it holds more effect.
Other than that, you did fantastic. Good job!
Farewell,
A.
This is an interesting scene and it's well written. I can't find any grammatical or spelling issues within this. The feelings are shown through this and I can imagine this girl pining after a popular boy, while he notices nothing. I would put this in present tense when your character asks "Did he notice..." It would seem more like she's thinking about him now and sound a lot better. Also, the ending is weak. It disappointed me, since the middle was so strong. I would end it at
Good job! I really enjoyed it and I love that you did flash fiction! Keep writing stuff like this!
-Nana
This is an interesting scene and it's well written. I can't find any grammatical or spelling issues within this. The feelings are shown through this and I can imagine this girl pining after a popular boy, while he notices nothing. I would put this in present tense when your character asks "Did he notice..." It would seem more like she's thinking about him now and sound a lot better. Also, the ending is weak. It disappointed me, since the middle was so strong. I would end it at
Good job! I really enjoyed it and I love that you did flash fiction! Keep writing stuff like this!
-Nana
I really enjoyed this. You managed to present a scene that was easy to understand and feel. Just beautiful, I loved it. There are just a few things that I felt could be fixed up though. Nothing rough though, so dont hate me!
"Even in that fraction of a second when I’m in his strong arms, I feel loved, nothing in the world ever good enough to create the same effect."--- I'm not to sure what it is about this sentence but it sounds odd to me. Maybe you could say "nothing in the world could ever be good enough to create the same effect." Or something of that nature.
"And the worst part of all was the fact that, to him, the simple acts of a hello or hug, meant nothing more than a greeting and embrace, while, to me, it meant the world. In a quick second of contact, he sends a electric current through my body, getting rid of all the mental notes I made to not fall for his act of caring."---- This is a major part in the story, it's what helps the reader feel how you are, the only bad part is is that it clashes with itself. You said that all of your contact with him was just a simple gesture to him, yet at the end you said it all acts of caring? You also said the same thing in the next paragraph, how harmless it was to him and how it all meant nothing.
It just kinda confused me, but I think it's great. Enough of the picking though, keep writing.
Is this a true story? Because you captured the feeling flawlessly. I love the prince and white stallion reference. And the king of affection and charm...it's champion.
Maybe you could switch the ending to a bit more dramatic though. Something hard and striking as a finale to the quiet desperation of the story.
It's really good, and really true...You captured it.