We thought that we were just waking up for the first day of school. Thinking that the weirdest thing that could happen is that we’d enjoy the day in Wilcox Middle School. We would socialize and struggle to stay awake as the teacher went over the disclosure. We were all wrong.
Really we were waking up to a new chapter of our life that we were never expecting. We are going to be legends, but nobody would know whom we are. Nobody except our team and the handful of enemies we have made on our world changing adventure.
To tell you the truth, we wish this had happened to us. We could be living a normal life, in a normal community. But we’re wondering around with a target on our heads, in two different worlds. It’s rather challenging.
At any minute, of any day we could be captured or dead. We never knew that this would happen to us, but what could we expect taking on a task this big?
This is the story about our life-changing adventure and us. How we handled our middle school difficulties.
- Kyla Davis
- Maddie Chase
- Michael Chase
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137,777 Literary Works • 672,064 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this is quite a fun premise, its certainly something I've seen before, kids being thrust into some crazy situations, but it is definitely a style of story that I like reading and this seems pretty unique and pretty fun so far.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ahh...this opening is awesome, especially that line about how the weirdest thing would be them actually enjoying the day....ahh....yeah...I can't stop laughing at the moment. I love the vibe this is giving off at the moment, of how they were just prepared for this first day that was most likely going to suck...but well there is the pervading sense of something much crazier and weirder having happened instead of that...which is definitely doing the job of getting a reader's attention here.
Okay...world changing adventures certainly sound pretty awesome and I suppose this is going to be one of those stories where these kids are somehow going to be chosen as whatever these legends are meant to be....well...and I do love stories of that type soo...welll I suppose there's more to be revealed on this as the prologue continues.
That does seems to sounds quite challenging there, two worlds getting involved and targets being put on heads all sound like the kind of issues that you don't generally deal with when you're in middle school....and well, this is definitely being very intriguing so far here.
Okay...that's an interesting style of prologue, sort of acting as a bit of trailer to the story this one, which is always fun when its sufficiently attention grabby and I think this one is, its certainly mentioning a lot of potentially crazy things here with all the talk of crazy things happening to those poor folks.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty decent prologue here, definitely would draw me into reading this story so I believe it manages to do its job pretty well here. Aaand well, that's about all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Good start, it sounds like a fun adventure! There are a few things you could easily change to make it even better.
First of all, there are a few grammar errors. However, I think they've all been pointed out, so I won't repeat them.
Second, it's a bit cliche. It's been done a lot before, which doesn't necessarily make it bad, but you have to add something to make it fresh and new and interesting.
Third, you use the word "but" a lot. There are a wide variety of conjunctions and other words such as: however, thereof, never/nonetheless, whereas, conversely, notwithstanding, and so forth.
Fourth and finally, this sentence, "Thinking that the weirdest thing that could happen, is we'd enjoy the day in Wilcox Middle School." The comma should be removed. If for whatever reason you want the sentence to be in two parts, you can say, "You know what we thought the weirdest thing would be? If we'd enjoy the day in Wilcox Middle School."
That being said, this is a good start. I look forward to reading more
Heya, Chrissy here for a a rather short review!
Well, it seems that Joy the brave already snagged most of the mistakes, so I'll do what I can. This isn't fair, most new members make TONS of mistakes. You don't make nearly enough.
Comma between "Really", and "we".
This seemed a bit clunky. Maybe "any moment of the day"?
This is a question. You need to paste a question mark on at the end. Also, I agree with Joy about maybe needing to rephrase it.
ABOUT how we handled our middle school difficulties. Without that, it doesn't really work. It is kinda choppy, and breaks the flow.
One more problem, you say difficulties, but you also have difficult above it a little ways. Redundancy! Get rid of one of them. I think the first one would be easiest to lose. How about hard, or challenging instead of difficult in that sentence?
Okay, well that is everything I could find. I don't know what is going on yet,
cause this is just a prologuebut I can't wait for the first chapter. Can you please PM or tag me when the next part comes out?Oh, and I believe you are a new member. Welcome to YWS!
Keep writing!
Hi BEWriter!
First of all, great work! I am hooked and excited for the next chapter. I just have a few quick notes though. First of all the sentence, "Thinking that the weirdest thing that could happen, is we'd the day in Wilcox Middle School." did not make sense to me. I think,"Thinking that the weirdest thing that could happen was a boring day at Wilcox Middle School." Makes more sense. Also, in the second paragraph I think there is trouble with the perspective language you were using. Is that the right term? I don't know. Anyways, it said "Really we were waking up to a new chapter of our life that we were never expecting. We are going to be legends, but nobody would know who we are." I think that instead of"We are going to be ledgends" it should be,"That day, we would become ledgends" just to keep the " perspective" of the story correct. Anyways, I loved your idea, and i can't wait for the next installment!
Hi there!
Wow I love the look of this. I agree with Joy it gets you properly hooked and I'm definitely looking forward to seeing what you'll come up with in future! I'm really wondering about these characters now! Good job!
However the thing that mostly drew my attention that you should improve on was grammar and little nitpicks like using the right words. I echo a lot of Joy's points like the spelling of 'socalize', 'lives', and the question marks. As well as that I noticed 'our normals still being different' which got me confused. I also saw, 'we were running around with a target on our heads.' Shouldn't this be 'price on our heads'? This may be because I am English and have not recognised foreign grammar, (I have made that mistake before!) but try to go over this sort of thing to clean the prologue up.
Overall, I enjoyed this and I'm looking forward to your future works on YWS! Keep writing!
Target on our heads means that people are after you maybe. Or that you have a gun pointed at your head. It pretty much means that you are wanted. I don't know if a price on our heads means the same thing, but thank you for reviewing.
Hey Bee!
Also, you probably already see this, but the word "socialize" is accidently spelled with an 'a'.
Welcome to YWS!!!! This sounds like it will be a really fun, adventurous read. I don't have much of a story to go off of yet, since this is just a prologue, but write the next chapters quickly 'cause I'm already hooked!
You have a few typos here, and I know how hard it is to catch them in your own writing, so I'll just point out some of them.
First off. "Thinking that the weirdest thing that could happen, is we'd the day in Wilcox Middle School. We could socializa and struggle to stay awake as the teacher went over the disclosure." There's a few small fixes here. "is we'd the day" doesn't make much sense. I'm thinking you left out a word here, which is something I do all the time.
In the second paragraph 'life' should be 'lives', because its a plural 'we.' In the fourth paragraph the last sentence is a little faulty. "But what can we expect taking on a task this big, even though we never chose to live like this." This should end in a question mark. Also, the "even though we never chose to live like this" doesn't feel like it fits in the sentence. If they "took on a task" then how did they not choose? You could maybe say, "We never wanted to live like this, but what can we expect taking on a task this big?"
This last one is really nitpicky but in the last paragraph "life-changing" should be hyphenated.
Again, welcome to YWS. Hope you have fun here. If you have any questions feel free to ask. This is a great start. Always keep writing.
~Joy