Parallel Needs: Chapter One: Part One

by BEWriter

Published June 14, 2015

E - Everyone

In Parallel Needs

MADDIE

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock. I slammed my hand down to stop the loud ringing, for I had forgotten how loud it is. I looked to the right of me and read six o’clock am.

On this bright, cool breezed day I wish that I could do something other than go to school. But my day is booked; I’ll be sitting in a daft classroom. Sitting, staring off into”

My thoughts were interrupted when my younger brother barged into my room. Michael stands there in his khaki shorts and navy blue t-shirt. His shaggy, dirty blond hair poking up in every direction. He is standing up straight on my blue carpet, as he does when he is on official business for mom. He opens his mouth, getting ready to talk, showing his yellowish whitish teeth.

“Mom wants you for breakfast,” he began, sounding like he was already bored of this conversation. “She has to leave soon, so if you want waffles you have to get up.” He said this so calmly and normal, which came to me by surprise. He is usually wild, bouncing off the walls, giving snarky comments. But then I remembered that it was six am, and he’s tired.

I threw a pillow his way in response. We both know that that means five more minutes and get out of my bedroom, because we have given this answer several times. “Mom said if you want any trouble, I should go get her. And you know, Madison, that I would just hate that.” Now there is my sarcastic Michael.

He left the room knowing that I wouldn’t bother putting up a fight. I was reluctantly got up from my bright green covers and hobbled over to the closet. I pulled out black leggings and my orange t-shirt, with “Forty Reasons to get out of Bed this Morning”. They’re all answers like, “There’s food in the fridge.” I truly love the shirt.

I struggled to make my way down the stairs. The smell of blueberries and fluffy warm waffles gave me support as I made my way to the kitchen.

I entered the dull, cream room slouching. I got a running start and plopped my bottom down on the granite counter hard. I took my plate and started eating quickly.

“Are you nervous?” my mother asked me, helping me off the counter.

I walked to the table. I still haven’t got a clue and I sat on top of the wood.

“For what?” I asked still clueless.

“Maybe school, smart one,” Michael added.

“Oh yeah, that,” I mumbled. “No, not really.”

“Sure you are, you’re technically in high school?” said mom.

“I’m not nervous.” I got up and left the room, setting my plate in the dishwasher.

I walked back up the staircase, then entered bathroom. I looked into the mirror and noticed that I looked relatively like a zombie. I took the bright, blonde poof ball that I call my hair into my grasp. I combed it; I had to use some muscle to get the comb. Brushing my hair back into a ponytail, I realized that I actually was quite nervous for my first day of ninth grade. But the reason why I’m stressing isn’t because I’m nervous, it’s because I don’t know why.

*           *           *

I walked down the hall with my backpack on and enter the living room. Michael was sitting down on the floral rug in the living room doing heavens know what.

“What are you doing? We have to leave,” Maddie said.

“One second. I’m doing this.”

“Yep, because that totally answers my question.”

“Just wait.”

Maddie looked down at her watch, the dark lines tell me that it’s seven fifteen. I tap my foot for a few moments, but then gets tired of waiting and groans, “Come on, we’re going to be late. Will you please hurry?”

“We are not going to be late, because I held us back a few seconds.”

“Have you ever been on a bus? Let’s go.” I pulled him and walked in place for a few moments until he gave in and began to walk with me. He grabbed his backpack at the door and walked through the entryway.

*           *           *

Making my way towards the bus stop, I began feeling the butterflies in my stomach. I’ve always hated the bus, and I have good reasons too.

It all began in the third grade, with the horrible, Henry Roberts.

I was new at the school; my mom and dad had moved us to Arizona. On the first day of school I walked on the bus, and took a in the middle of the bus. A boy started down the hall, and

I was sitting with my feet out, because I was talking to the girl right next to me. The boy walked down then tripped right over my feet, he flew, and face planted. He turned at me in a rage. “Sorry,” I told him faintly. He was staring at me murderously. He whipped around and sat down by his friends.

The next day, I walked onto the bus. I went down the skinny hallway, then someone had tripped me. I turned and saw the boy that I accidentally tripped yesterday, he was pointing, and laughing. He had a big bruise on his nose. The blue spot made me feel guilty. I went to an open seat alone. Later I learned that his name is Henry Roberts. From that point on he has tortured me, by making me taste the dusty floor each day, by making me taste the floor each day.

Although he is the worst thing that has ever appeared to me. That first day I was tripped, my future best friend, Jane, came up to me and asked me if I was okay. We have been friends since that point on the bus; I technically have Henry to thank for it.

Jane Matthews is so, so awesome. She is just like me; only she is herself around people close to her. In public she is personal, and tries to stay on the down low. Except when we sit next to each other in classes, then there is no shutting her up, unless detention enters the equation. Jane is tall, with shoulder length, chocolate brown hair. And I meet her right after Henry had tripped me.

*           *           *

I walked fearfully onto the bus, this time knowing very well why I’m nervous. With my head drooping down, focused on the dusty black floor, not walking to draw any attention to myself. Walking very slowly, I think if I’d make to my seat without trouble. I seem very silly, thinking whether or not I’ll make it to my seat alive, hassle free. As if I was on a mission for my life, I think what could happen to me. I think of my future. Someday I’ll laugh at myself for ever being frightened of Henry Roberts, and his foot. I smiled. What’s going to happen?

“Hurry up,” Michael muttered. I realized that even though I have given myself the pep talk, I was still walking like a zombie. “Seriously Maddie, we’ll be in Tokyo by the time you get to a seat if you don’t walk any faster.” I picked up the pace.

I saw a free seat down the ways a little. I looked up from the floor and started walking, like nothing was troubling me. Which nothing was. But then it happened.

I knew it was going to come. The nuisance has tripped me again! I couldn’t take it. He had lost me my last nerve. “HENRY! You are an immature, little brat, who will never grow up! Guess what?! I tripped you, and it was an accident. But you didn’t get over it; you decided that the only way to go was to trip me too, every single day of your pathetic life! Get over yourself and let it go!” I felt a rush of relief as I said this, I stood up to that boy and it felt great for a whole two seconds. The third second I realized that all the luck that I have ever had, isn’t there. I opened my eyes and noticed that I wasn’t facing Henry Roberts; this was person a girl who looked nothing like him. She looked fairly decent.

I saw that Michael had walked up front to sit next a boy about his age, sure that he felt embarrassed for being my brother. I looked around at everyone, all of them staring at me. Even the bus driver was peeking at me through the mirror.

Moments like this, I really wish that the memory potion Michael and I made as a kid, actually worked the magic it was supposed to.

I turned awkwardly towards the girl I had freaked at. “I am so sorry for that. I thought you were somebody else. That was so uncalled for.”

“No worries. It seemed like whoever that was addressed to really deserved it.” She shot a glare at Henry, who was still laughing in the back of the bus. But I didn’t know how she knew who Henry was. “I’m Kyla, I just moved here from Cincinnati.” She extended her arm out.

I shook her hand, and took a seat next to her. She seemed overly happy about this. “I’m Maddie. I live over on 2300 east. I’m going into ninth grade,” I said. I felt like I was giving too much information away, but then I thought that was no harm in it.

We were talking for the rest of the ride there, and I glared at Michael for ditching me a couple of times. But I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to be weird girl’s sister, especially not wanting people to know that he was my sister before school even started.

*           *           *

I was walking off the bus, feeling free from all the staring eyes. I said bye to Kyla and went to the entrance. On the way up to the front doors, I noticed Jane wave vigorously at me. I made a weird face, because when your best friends with someone, there’s is no need for words. We hurried over to each other. Feeling refreshed that we have someone that we could finally poor our life out to. We walked close together, not wanting anybody to hear what we had to say. The conversation mostly contained of my horrible story, which happened on the bus. Together Jane and I walked into the school. And separated down the halls, to get to our lockers.

As I went to drop off my backpack, I took out my schedule to see what my first class was. Seeing that I had Geography, I twisted my head to make sure I knew where the class was. I got to my locker, and put my pack into it after taking out my books. I took my notebook, pencil and folder to down the hall and walked into the class.

On the whiteboard it said, “Welcome Back!” I looked down at a sheet of paper to find my disappointing school picture, which determined where I sat. I looked up and was happy to see Kyla was sitting to the left of my seat. I smiled and rushed to my seat satisfied.

“Hi Maddie, we meet again,” she said in a low voice. She smiled and laughed. I gave her a sympathy laugh, and took a deep breath, thinking that this was going to be a good year.

The bell rang. “Quiet down students,” Mr. Richmond hushed us.

*           *           *

Comments & reviews · 4
wickedlymuggle wrote a review Review · Sep 2, 2015

Hi BEWriter!
I am back! Sorry I took so long to get to this. :/ Well, I am here now! Starting with the positives, I really like Maddie's character. There is just something about her that makes me connect with her. Maybe it's her sassy nature or her tendency to speak her piece, she is just an very appealing and relatable . I also really like Kyla and Jane's characters. They see to fit perfectly with the story. Also, I really liked these parts:

. I looked into the mirror and noticed that I looked relatively like a zombie. I took the bright, blonde poof ball that I call my hair into my grasp.


“HENRY! You are an immature, little brat, who will never grow up! Guess what?! I tripped you, and it was an accident. But you didn’t get over it; you decided that the only way to go was to trip me too, every single day of your pathetic life! Get over yourself and let it go!”


Loved these!! :P Now onto the nitpicks:

1. Description. I could tell that you where really trying to put some description in here, which you managed to do, I just feel like it could have used more sofisticated words. For example:

I struggled to make my way down the stairs. The smell of blueberries and fluffy warm waffles gave me support as I made my way to the kitchen.

I entered the dull, cream room slouching. I got a running start and plopped my bottom down on the granite counter hard. I took my plate and started eating quickly.


You could have added more description like this:

I failed miserably at the art of walking down the stairs, proceeding to look more like a drunk duck thn anything else. The only thing that made me not fall was the smell of juicy blueberries and Mom's fluffy, warm waffles giving me support along the way.

As I entered our dull, cream colored kitchen, I slumped down over to the counter an feebly dragged myself onto it and started to franticly eat my breakfast as soon as the plate touched my fingertips.


2. Short sentences. The first two paragraphs I thought were a little choppy and short. I think if you use commas to combine some of your sentences, and add some description, I think it would make it a lot better.

3. Nitpick time.

But my day is booked; I’ll be sitting in a daft classroom. Sitting, staring off into”

Take away But. Period after booked. Comma after classroom. Take away quotation mark at the end.

Michael stands there in his khaki shorts and navy blue t-shirt. His shaggy, dirty blond hair poking up in every direction. He is standing up straight on my blue carpet, as he does when he is on official business for mom. He opens his mouth, getting ready to talk, showing his yellowish whitish teeth.

Change the tense to past tense. - between yellowish and whitish.

“Sure you are, you’re technically in high school?” said mom.

I think you shoud change this to something like:

"Sure you are! Everyone is always nervous for their first day of high school!"

I think this flows a little better.

Maddie looked down at her watch, the dark lines tell me that it’s seven fifteen. I tap my foot for a few moments, but then gets tired of waiting and groans, “Come on, we’re going to be late. Will you please hurry?”

You changed the tense in this a lot. Correct it to:

I looked down at my watch, the hands telling me that it is seven fifteen. I tapped my foot for a few moments, but I got tired of waiting and groaned, "Come on, we're going to be late. Will you please hurry?"


From that point on he has tortured me, by making me taste the dusty floor each day, by making me taste the floor each day.

Take away the second, making me taste the floor each day.

Although he is the worst thing that has ever appeared to me. That first day I was tripped, my future best friend, Jane, came up to me and asked me if I was okay.

Comma instead of a period between me and that.

Okay! The nitpicks are officially over! I hoped this helped you! Happy Review Month! :)

PickledChrissy wrote a review Review · Jun 16, 2015

Heya, Chrissy here for a review!

Welcome to YWS! I believe this is your second work, isn't it? Glad I was in time to catch it. :D I read your first one, but I don't believe I was able to review it... Well, anyways, here I am!

Sitting, staring off into”


Wrong punctuation. If you want cut short, then it's this.

Sitting, staring off into-...


Not too hard. I remember the first time I had to do this I didn't know how to either. Ended up reading a book and finally finding it in one part. :D

He is standing up straight


Sound's a bit clunky. Maybe "he stands up straight" would work better?

showing his yellowish whitish teeth.


Charming, just charming. Has he never heard of toothbrushes? :P

We both know that that means five more minutes and get out of my bedroom, because we have given this answer several times.


Okay, I'm not sure if this part is just me or not, but I thought that it was a little confusing. I had to reread it a couple times. Maybe you could consider something along the lines of "we both know that it is my way of saying, "just five more minutes. Get out of my room before I murder you." Just a thought...

I got a running start


I GET a running start. Btw, I completely approve of her way of entering the room. Never do it quietly, that is utterly against the rules.

I walked to the table. I still haven’t got a clue and I sat on top of the wood.

“For what?” I asked still clueless.


Combine those two. They don't need to be in different paragraphs. They are the same thought. And get rid of the dialogue tag on the second sentence. You don't actually need it. Not if you put it with the action above, anyways.

I looked relatively like a zombie


I know what you mean. :P I experience this every morning before I get my coffee. Sometimes even that doesn't get rid of it completely...

She extended her arm out.


Extending means she's holding her arm out, so saying out at the end is repeating yourself. Just chop it off, unnecessary.

“Hi Maddie, we meet again,”


This part is composed of two different thoughts. Hi Maddie, and then, we meet again. Needs to be two sentences. And besides that, people don't talk in unbroken lines of text. If you are having trouble with your dialogue, try saying whatever it is out loud. Every time you pause, you probably need a period.

“Quiet down students,


Comma between down and students.

Well, other than that, I only noticed one problem. In the middle of the chapter you switch to third person and start calling her Maddie. Like, Maddie walked into the room, instead of, I walked into the room. Just two or three times. Easy enough to fix. Should only take a minute.

You seem to have this pretty well covered! I'm completely out of things to say. Except for one thing, I love your characters. They are sooo real, it's like someone pasted life onto a piece of paper.

I can't wait for more! Please PM or tag me when you come out with the next chunk. I can't wait!

Chrissy signing off. :D

grandpaslippers wrote a review Review · Jun 16, 2015

Hiya! I'm grandpaslippers :D

You did a very lovely job! I'm curious about how you're going to turn this into a fantasy/action/adventure. These types of stories fascinate me :)
I have a couple little things to say (I know, the little things kinda suck and are super annoying but it will make your writing better in the long run!). I'll get the not-so-fun stuff over with first :)

Alrighty. As I was reading through this, I noticed you do the same thing that pretty much everyone in the writing world does... switch from past to present tense. I know, those tenses are sneaky. They aren't fun to fix either, but it really makes your piece flow a lot better when your reader isn't distracted by them. Something else that stuck out to me is how you get about to describing actions or such. Remember - show, don't tell. Showing, rather than telling, makes your story so much more entertaining and full of life. Here's an example:
Original - "I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock. I slammed my hand down to stop the loud ringing, for I had forgotten how loud it is. I looked to the right of me and read six o’clock am."
Rewrite - "I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock. I slammed my hand down to stop the ringing, cringing at the sudden earsplitting noise. Glancing to the right, I moan when I realize it's six o'clock AM."
Now, do you see how the rewrite shows instead of tells? I still got the basic idea down, but in a way that engages the reader and adds more character to Maddie. Does any of that make sense?

On the brightside, your grammars pretty dang immaculate. There's a couple little slip ups and stuff, but I'm sure you can handle it :) You're also really great at using colorful adjectives and adverbs. This is an awesome talent to have - take advantage of it! It makes your story much more vivid.

I hope this is helpful to you! I enjoyed reading your story, it made me giggle and sympathize with that awful freshman year... yuck. If you want me to clarify anything, seriously let me know! I will do my best to help! :)

Just realized I slipped into present in that rewrite example... told you they were sneaky. Lol :D

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jamesberry837
Review
jamesberry837 wrote a review Review · Jun 14, 2015

Amazing story! I have a connection with was Maddie's brother, Michael. Why I say that is because every day, my sister is busy reading one of her long chapter books and she is late always for breakfast.Your story also has a good lesson. I like how Maddie stood up to Henry when he bullied her continuesly. You had a nice choice of words too. The only thing I would suggest is add more commas before ending your quotes. But either way, it was a great story and I can't wait to see Chapter Two Part 1 of Parralell Needs.



The quote generator! That's a genius idea.
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