Maddie and Michael Dennelly are twin, fifteen year old freshmen. They have a normal, average life until...
The first day of school Maddie has finally had enough with a bully that has caused her pain since the third grade, but then she makes a mistake and meets Kyla Cadman. They become friends and Maddie thinks everything is all normal, but is Kyla stalking her? Why is she everywhere Maddie is? What is going on?
Michael isn't having a joy ride either. He feels like he isn't smart enough for high school. He doesn't understand how the math problems are solved or what an ectotherm is in biology. He doesn't know why he can't be smarter.
While at the park, they were both agitated and desperate for answers when two dark figures forces them into a van. They think it's all over, until Kyla comes in to save the day. She explains to them they have been chosen to save the world from a selfish organization that want to reprogram the earth, choosing the life of everyone. Will Maddie, Michael, and Kyla succeed? Or will they enter a fate that is unspeakable? Or will they even live that long?
Please join the adventure with them and see what happens.
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140,602 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, this is a pretty intriguing story, that ending certainly took me by surprise and then some...certainly sounds like it could make for a pretty cool story and this is a pretty nice sneak peek that we've got right here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, very interesting way to start off with, and I'm not sure why this sentence is just suddenly broken in the middle with an ellipse before then immediately answering that mystery, it feels like its a bit unnecessary there, just writing this whole thing as a normal story would probably be a better idea here. This just a bit unnecessary here.
Okay I feel like this is a little bit of a muddle here, I feel like you're trying to get across two different scenarios here, and the first one is a little incomplete. It almost sounds like something that you'd run across in a rough brainstorming session for a plot or something along those lines there because that bully line just sorta ends abruptly and manages to go off on a complete tangent regarding some other problem. That one however is actually properly finished and does sound like a pretty interesting plot point though, so there's that.
Oh wow, uhh, well that's certainly one of the problems that can haunt you and also...well...I haven't heard of an ectotherm either so...I don't think you can blame him about that particular thing there...but ahh, well, this is certainly pointing out some of the more standard issues whereas the other twin appeared to have issues on a bit of a different level there.
I was literally spluttering like a fish after reading that. Going from a discussion of random high school issues to this all of a sudden just secret organizations and random scary vans and just everything became very, very Kingsmen like all of a sudden and I can't help but think its perhaps just a little too sudden there...perhaps starting right away with this would make for an exciting prologue of sorts but this sudden transition kind of makes the earlier bits feel somewhat irrelevant almost, the introduction to their lives is alright, but everything happening this suddenly is a little weird and I suppose this being a sneak peak, this makes sense as a sort of just synopsis or just a collection of the plot lines here, so...this isn't terrible, just as long as this is sorted out once it comes to the actual chapters.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, sounds like a pretty cool plot, although this particular thing appears a tiny bit out of order but I suppose that's cause it just a sneak peak as you've named it. At any rate that's all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi!
You reviewed my story earlier so I thought I'd come and give you some feedback on this preview...
If this was going to be like the blurb to the book-its really good. It tells enough of the story to get the reader interested but also keeps it a bit in suspense. When I have more time I will definitely go and read the actual story
All I would say is maybe leave a bit more ambiguity to it...maybe create some tension or something so the reader is slightly more curious.
I love the way you have portrayed the characters. Already from this extract I can get a feel for what they are like. Kyla being dark and mysterious, contrasting to the twins who are really relatable characters. I also love the fact they are twins-it creates something good for their relationship.
Personally-I thought re-programming the earth was slightly cheesy but I guess that's completely personal. I can't wait to read your book.
Overall it sounds great!
Tick tock
Before anything else, and if you 'hear' nothing else I have to say, this is a brilliant idea! I can see many paths where this could go. But now for the hard part.
'They have a normal life, nothing crazy ever happened to them. Nothing crazy till now.' I would get rid of the second 'Nothing crazy' and just have the sentence read 'Till' or 'Until now.'
'... but then she makes a mistake and meets Kyla Cadman.' I think that sentence reads awkwardly, but it's up to you.
'He doesn't understand why the math problems are solved...'. The 'why' should probably be changed to 'how'.
'They both are desperate for answers when Maddie and Michael are at the park...' I would reword this entire sentence, because it reads like they are only desperate for answers while at the park. I know what you're trying to get across, but it can read more smoothly.
The most important thing, though, is that you ultimately decide what advice to follow. Keep writing, because this is a good plot, and can go far!
Thank you so much!!! I'm really glad you liked, and I will use your suggestions because they are good. Thanks for being so polite about the errors I made. I really do hope that my book works out!