Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Supernatural


Tarkohf: Chapter 2 Jullietes Calling

by BEASTtheHUN


Kay poked at the sushi on his plate. Of all the foods he had ever tasted he found sushi one of the nastiest, still, he had to order something so as not to be rude. He had gone and ordered the most expensive sushi on the menu, fish roe sushi, to impress Julliete. Not that she noticed, she had been too busy clacking on her computer and telling him off.

Julliete looked up from her computer and stared at Kay. “Why haven’t you taken a bite of your food?”

Kay made a gesture towards his stomach, “not hungry I guess.”

“Hmm,” Julliete stared at his plate for a couple more seconds before grabbing it and digging in. “Hope you didn’t mind,” Julliete mumbled between mouthfuls, “this is really good.”

“Not at all, I would have bought you one if you had asked.”

“Really?” Julliete looked at him skeptically. “Well, can you buy me another one of these?”

Kay inwardly groaned as he got up to pay for another sushi, he knew he should have kept his big mouth shut.

* * * * *

Kay tugged at the uncomfortably stiff collar of his white button-down shirt. It was uncharacteristically chilly for an April day. Julliete shivered beside him, the cold breeze on her legs made her feel vulnerable. Weird how the weather does that to you, she thought.

“Here, you look cold,” Kay offered, “you can have my coat.” Julliete gave him a glare almost as equally chilling as the weather itself, still, it was not lost on her that he had offered it quite innocently.

Julliete glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. He was tall, even for a male, around six foot five, six foot six. His long unchemicalized, jet black hair was swept away from his face, highlighting his strong, determined, jawline. Kay glanced at her making her look away. Those eyes, they made you feel like you were swimming in a sea of innocence. He was quite handsome, not that she would ever tell him that. Julliete shivered once again, making her almost wish she had taken him up on his offer. Almost.

“Jullliieette.” Julliete stared at Kay.

“What?” Kay shrugged, “I didn’t say anything if you were thinking it was me, it came from that way.” Kay pointed to an alley about the size of two cars width apart. “We should go check out.”

“What! Are you crazy,” Julliete shrieked, somewhat hysterically. “Don’t you watch TV? This is the part of the show where the girl hears a creepy voice, goes in an alley, and is never heard from again.”

“Fine, you stay here, and I’ll go check out what it is,” Kay said nonchalantly, “chances are it’s just a figment of our imagination.”

“Are you calling me crazy?”

“No, I’m just calling you tired after a very long day of work. Besides, what are you scared of? No self-respecting killer would murder you while I’m here.”

“He would just kill you too,” Julliete said. Kay looked at her strangely before replying.

“Trust me, if anyone tried to do anything to you or I, they would find out they aren’t the only ones packing heat,” Kay said, patting a bulge on his hip Julliete had never noticed before.

Trust him, Julliete thought, why should I trust an employee who reads books about ghosts when he should be doing his job, Phah. And why am I so paranoid of getting murdered. Julliete kicked a plastic water bottle down the street. She would show him. She wasn’t scared.

“Fine.”

“Fine what,” Kay asked, he had been dreaming about her legs again.

“Fine, I’ll go in there with you.”

“And if you don’t find anything?”

“I’ll fire you for wasting my time.” Kay laughed.

“Okay boss, you first.”

“No, you.”

“Still scared, huh?”

Julliete cursed and walked into the alley. She would show him.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
930 Reviews


Points: 67234
Reviews: 930

Donate
Tue May 04, 2021 1:43 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi there Beast! I saw you posted this in the General Review Repository so I've swung by to give a quick review :)


I had a quick flick through chapter one so I know what I'm jumping into here. In later chapters it might be a good idea to pop a brief summary of what's happened so far into a spoiler at the top. That way new reviewers have a bit of background and those who review every chapter have a reminder of what they've read so far. It's not something you have to do, of course, but I find it to be a useful trick!


Of all the foods he had ever tasted he found sushi one of the nastiest, still, he had to order something so as not to be rude. He had gone and ordered the most expensive sushi on the menu, fish roe sushi, to impress Julliete.

Interesting insight into Kay's character here, but I do feel like the two sentences are a bit contradicting. He orders sushi to be polite but then also orders the most expensive... I can't explain why, but these two things just don't seem to fit to me. If he was just being polite I would expect him to order the first thing he saw, or the thing that seemed the least off-putting to him. Whereas, if he's trying to impress his boss, I would expect that to be what is focussed on here. So he orders something because he knows sushi is seen as being impressive/superior/etc. and then he picks the most expensive to impress Juliette. Does that make any sense? I feel like I've really rambled here haha!

Julliete looked up from her computer and stared at Kay. “Why haven’t you taken a bite of your food?”

He's just been bitter about her not noticing him, so I would make it seem more of a big deal to him that now she's noticing.

“Hmm,” Julliete stared at his plate for a couple more seconds before grabbing it and digging in. “Hope you didn’t mind,” Julliete mumbled between mouthfuls, “this is really good.”

“Not at all, I would have bought you one if you had asked.”

“Really?” Julliete looked at him skeptically. “Well, can you buy me another one of these?”

Kay inwardly groaned as he got up to pay for another sushi, he knew he should have kept his big mouth shut.

All of this seems a strange interaction between them and I don't really get what the scene brings to the story. Ask yourself why you've included it. What purpose does it serve?

Julliete shivered beside him, the cold breeze on her legs made her feel vulnerable. Weird how the weather does that to you, she thought.

This is a very interesting style, to have an omniscient narrator. It's not one I'm usually a fan of but I'm intrigued to see if you can make it work!

“What! Are you crazy,” Julliete shrieked, somewhat hysterically. “Don’t you watch TV? This is the part of the show where the girl hears a creepy voice, goes in an alley, and is never heard from again.”

The shriek seems a little over the top given that the situation you've described doesn't seem to be threatening...

“Trust me, if anyone tried to do anything to you or I, they would find out they aren’t the only ones packing heat,” Kay said, patting a bulge on his hip Julliete had never noticed before.

She's his boss and she didn't notice? I'm a bit confused as to what their job is and what their dynamic is too, something I think you could work on in future drafts :)

“I’ll fire you for wasting my time.” Kay laughed.

Wait, he's her boss? I'm really confused now, or is this supposed to be a joke?


Ok so I think the premise for the story is good and I can see it developing well but I think the dynamic between your main characters would be something to focus on as you continue writing. I can't work out where they stand with each other in terms of who reports to who but also why are they out there together? What are their roles in the team? It would be much easier to read if some of this was clarified earlier on!

That's all I've got for this one, hopefully this was helpful!

Icy




BEASTtheHUN says...


Thanks for the review. %u201CI%u2019ll fire you for wasting my time.%u201D Kay laughed. That part is Julliete talking. I could probably format it better.



User avatar
234 Reviews


Points: 23383
Reviews: 234

Donate
Sat May 01, 2021 9:51 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi BEASTtheHUN,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Let's get right into what caught my eye! :D You've kept your writing style as much as possible, keeping the story going at your pace. I really like how the chapter is made up of several parts.

I really enjoyed the first paragraph where they are in the restaurant, but also think you could expand on it in places. In your first paragraph you describe very well how Kay doesn't like sushi, and how he is partly disgusted by it. It's a good way to start the chapter. But I would have liked Kay to be more interested in the restaurant, for example, and to look at the interior decoration, which you could then describe. It seems like he's just staring at his plate.

Julliete shivered beside him the cold breeze on her legs made her feel vulnerable, weird how the weather does that to you, she thought.


I would split this sentence into two sentences, as the second half is a train of thought. I would also put this in italic, as you did later.

Julliete glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. He was tall, even for a male, around six foot five, six foot six. His long unchemicalized, jet black hair was swept away from his face, highlighting his strong, determined, jawline. Kay glanced at her making her look away. Those eyes, they made you feel like you were swimming in a sea of innocence. He was quite handsome, not that she would ever tell him that. Julliete shivered once again, making her almost wish she had taken him up on his offer. Almost.


Your descriptions are still great. You keep the upper hand there and not only try to stick to colours, but also combine them. You have a great way of doing things, which you've demonstrated a lot here. I especially like the description of the eyes. It sounds very poetic! :D

The dialogues seem well chosen and like a conversation you would hear between boss and employee if you have a bit of guts. But I like it a lot, it still gives the story a certain dark atmosphere. It's also great that it seems like Julliete and Kay are taking some things a bit lightly. The synergy between the two is great, but I would also like to see a bit more between them.

You also end the story with a good cliffhanger, leaving the reader in the dark as to what will happen next.

Julliete cursed and walked into the alley, she would show him.


Again, I would divide the sentence into two to increase the intensity of the drama. This way the second half doesn't seem as strong and doesn't have the impact it was supposed to.

In summary, it was a great, strong story and am looking forward to seeing how the next chapter continues it.

Have a great time writing it!

Mailice.




BEASTtheHUN says...


Thanks for the review!




If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France