Tarkohf: Chapter 1 Ghost Are Real

I really love the intro when it was showing what he was reading. Really interesting and pulled me in. Also loving the physical descriptions of everything. It makes it very easy to visualize. I would just go a tad deeper into his attractions towards Juliette. Just something quick that hints at whether is attraction is purely physical or more.

The descriptions are great, and you really express surroundings and colors without using colors. You use the gum, the "short swish" and "smelled slightly of lemons." It all works nicely and seamlessly.
I recommend you have the whole case file differently. Perhaps change it to a different font, bold or italic or something. That way it sets itself apart.
All in all, awesome!
-JP

Hi BeasttheHun,

Mailice back here with a new review!

Let's get right into it and what caught my eye was your introduction and the transition to Kay that came with it. A good start, although I'm not sure to what extent the book, what Kay is reading, can be considered scientific non-fiction. The narrator's loss of neutrality at the end in particular suggests that this is more of a paranormal book. This is not a criticism that the section is bad, but my opinion, about the excerpt of this book. Also, Julliete's reaction to the book can be related to this. Is there perhaps more to read about the book later?

Ninety-nine percent of it was filed under ignore, still, if his boss caught him reading this book there would be hell to pay.

He longed to run his fingers through her jet black hair with its low swept away bangs, and look into those piercing hazel eyes.

"Kay? Kay, are you even listening?" Julliete said, shaking her head in disgust.

Hello! I'm new here so this is my first review

I really like your story, as well as the premise. It's really intriguing. There are a few grammatical errors, like saying "It read." Instead of "It read," and there are a some places where it could use a comma, like "Couped up in an asylum, she repeats the same word: "Tarkohf." She has periodic screaming fits."

Something that's slightly confusing is that Mi is the victim of a ghost attack, yet no one really seems to know anything about ghosts, even the people (like Kay) who work with things to do with ghosts.

Great first chapter overall! I can't wait to see more!

Hello! I wanted to get back into reading people's ideas and your title caught my eye!

Here's a quick review. None of it is meant to offend, but critic as if I were to read or even write the piece myself. I hope any pieces said you can take and use!


>>They are run by our emotions.

"By" doesn't quite work here, almost sounds like they ignore emotions instead of using them


>>"Our lusts, rage, love, and things such as that."

An incomplete sentence, merge it with the previous.


>>Ninety-nine percent of it was filed under ignore, still, if his boss caught him reading this book there would be hell to pay.

What was filed? the work? What he was reading? The sentence isn't very clear.
I'd move the "being caught" sentence up with his cup of coffee sentence Also what is the "hell to be paid", fired? disciplined? You could expand this and give us a sense of how much trouble he would actually be in.


>>"Then he would run his hands over her plump expressive breast and rest them on her perfectly sized butt. He would then get on his hands and knees and caress her thighs as he licked that-."

Some grammatical errors.
I think also for a romance, immediately sexualizing this deeply about her makes it slightly hard to connect with his connection to his boss. Is it erotica or romance? We need to know his feelings of her, other than sexual desire.


>>“Me and you need to have a talk about your job status,” Juliette said, hissing into his face. Her breath had the sweet, tangy, smell of orange gum. “Five o clock at the Sushi Shop, and be on time.” With a short swish of her mini-skirt, Juliette turned and walked back to her office.

Even as a boss, I don't think she'd be in a mini skirt in an office setting. If she is hard-pressed for pushing rules, she'd likely be STRICT with her attire being coded. If you want to paint her as sexy, you can still put her in a tight, knee-length pencil skirt, with a slight slit, making his imagination running while to as where the slight would continue to.



"Type: Attempted homicide???"
Question Marks wouldn't be used in this type of document.
Attempted already puts it in a questioning state.


I love the aspect of a ghosty-mystery romance, especially from the stand point of non-believing law keepers. The idea is great, just needs some fleshing out.


You have a lot of grammatical errors and over using commas. Take time to run it through some checks before posting so we can read with a smoother flow and spend more time enjoying the content vs deciphering.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

First Impression: THis is actually pretty good for a first paragraph. A slight bit of obvious descriptors there for the boss but the way it was put made it flow fairly well with the story so it didn't come off awkward and that's great. Let's get down to a bit more detail then.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Ghosts are funny things, they are rarely ever seen by humans, yet their very existence depends on us. They are run by our emotions. Our lusts, rage, love, and things such as that. Ghosts are very real, like you and I. They inhabit this earth for evil and for good. Ghosts are real.

Kay Rasuka wasn’t quite sure if he understood what he was reading, but it sure was interesting. Interesting in the way that made you shudder and turn the page, still, interesting or not, reading this book was the last thing he was supposed to be doing. A stack of files lay directly next to his XL cup of Chupa-Chupa black coffee. Kay hated file work, it was mundane and monotonous. Ninety-nine percent of it was filed under ignore, still, if his boss caught him reading this book there would be hell to pay.

Kay felt a light tap on his right shoulder, spinning around he came face to face with his boss. She stood there, one hand on her hip, the other extended towards him. Kay sheepishly placed his book into her well-manicured hand expecting her to slip it in her tote bag. Instead, she looked at the title, and to his surprise threw it away. He could tell by her furrowed eyebrows and pursed lips that he had crossed the line.

“Kay Rasuka,” she said, spitting out his name as if it were dirty underpants. “What do you think you are doing?” Kay opened his mouth as if to protest. “Shut up, just shut up, do you hear, don’t say a word!”

“Kay? Kay, are you even listening?” Julliete said, shaking her head in disgust.

“Uh, what?” Kay mentally berated himself, he needed to stop thinking about her that way. She was his boss, besides she was 27 he was 21, still, he couldn’t help but notice her breast when she leaned over to look him in the eye.

Julliete tilted his head upwards, “my eyes are here, not here,” she said, shamelessly pointing to her breasts. He was slightly aware that she smelled slightly of lemons, and something else he couldn’t place. Cherry blossoms maybe.

“Me and you need to have a talk about your job status,” Julliete said, hissing into his face. Her breath had the sweet, tangy, smell of orange gum. “Five o clock at the Sushi Shop, and be on time.” With a short swish of her mini-skirt, Julliete turned and walked back to her office.

Kay sighed and returned his attention to the first file in front of him. It read.

Case name: CLAWS

Type: Attempted homicide???

Victim: Mi Turnish

Case description: Mi was found in a back alley disorientated and weak with 6 face lacerations and a stomach wound.

Suspects: None. Mi says she was a victim of a ghost attack

Witnesses: None

Other: Mi is now Couped up in an asylum she repeats the same word “Tarkohf” she has periodic screaming fits.

Kay sighed and looked at his book in the trashcan. “Ghosts are real, huh?” Kay muttered to himself, stamping an ignore on the file. Not that he believed it.