A man and a woman sat at table 18 with a beer apiece. Neither’s eyes were focused on the beers or each other for that matter. Both of their eyes were riveted on the pile of 100 dollar bills stationed in the middle of the table.
The man was short for his age but very compact. His bleached blond hair was swept away from his face highlighting his impossibly gray lifeless eyes. A grey suit jacket with black jeans and grey dress boots is what he wore. He wore a black and silver chain around his neck and an expensive gold watch on his wrist highlighting his wealth.
The woman across from him was the bigger puzzle. Her name was Madame Xi. A gaudy pink and blue silk dress contrasted her Arabian-like skin, but her eyes spoke of Asian descent. She would have been beautiful if it weren’t for her eyes, they were red. Some said she had had a chemical accident when she was younger. Others, that she had a pigment disease in her eyes. Most said she was possessed. She let them think that. The truth? Even she didn’t know. What she did know was the hatred and fear it installed in people, but she had found her own way to deal with it.
“They say you can summon ghosts,” the man, his voice was deep and it seemed not to belong to him at all. It held an undertone of disbelief.
“I can, “Madame Xi answered, her voice was the silky smooth voice of a peddler. Her long slender fingers caressed one of the many dollar bills on the table.
The man sighed and stared up at the skylight above him before finally pulling a photo out of his pocket and sliding it across the table. It was a high-definition photo of a girl, she looked to be 26 or 27. Definitely a beauty, Madame Xi thought.
“I want you to mark her.”
“Any particular request? Do you want her dead or alive?”
“Ruin her pretty little face, and then kill her,” the man growled.
“Thwarted love attempt, huh?”
“None of your business you little gypsy. Do you want the job or not?” Madame Xi bristled at the man’s unwarranted insult, her eyes bore into his making him drop his gaze.
Madame Xi deposited the picture into her pocketbook. “I’ll take the job, but don’t call me a gypsy again or I’ll mark you as well.”
The man laughed showing off his billboard perfect teeth. “Don’t threaten me again, gypsy, or I’ll blow your brains out,” the man said, patting his hip.
Madame Xi stared the man down before finally sweeping the money into her purse and stalking out of the restaurant. It’s all about the money, she consoled herself as she climbed into her car. It’s all about the money.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi BeasttheHun,
Mailice here with a short review!
This is a very exciting start. Short and compact. I really like how the descriptions transition to the dialogue. The prologue raises some questions, which you have inserted very well into the descriptions - especially with Madame Xi. This gives the reader the incentive to read on. (Besides the mysterious and somehow for my taste Eastern European sounding title)
I noticed two things in your opening paragraph. First, your second and third sentences are very well written, as they both start with the subject "eye" in contrast. I'm just a little confused as to what the 18 is doing in the first sentence, otherwise a very successful beginning!
Fabulous description of Madame Xi with some good points that stand out. Above all (also with the man) I noticed that you try to name colours more precisely than just leaving it at "pink" or "green". You also do a good job of trying to introduce the reader to the mystery of her eye colour and who she is by throwing in a question with "The Truth?".
This is a very good start to the dialogue and immediately drew me in. But shouldn't there be a "said" or something after the inverted commas?
I'd like to know more about the background.
A very great ending, after you introduced Madame Xi as a very mysterious, perhaps serious and not very humorous person. Here I particularly like how you describe her inner life in this short sentence so that she now comes across as a very fragile, vulnerable and thoughtful person.
In summary, this is a very well written prologue that definitely caught my attention. Keep up the good work!
Mailice.
Thank you! I posted the first chapter, check it out!
I really like the premise, and now I'm really curious about this world. The descriptions of the characters are really nice, they help the reader visualize what's going on.
I did find a sentence that felt a little disjointed: "She would have been beautiful if it weren’t for her eyes, they were red." I think that it could have been rewritten. Perhaps more description of her eyes would help. Red eyes are a little intimidating and frightening, so if that was explored more, maybe it would help make her seem more scary.
Overall a really nice start!
Thanks!
HJ with a rather short review(sorry, im kinda busy at the moment)
Before Read: Interesting Name
Lets get to the review!
First off, great exposition! The characters are well described, and I like how i can vividly imagine what the setting looks like-your narration and dialogue are both superb, and I dont see any major issues with grammar or spelling. Overall, 9/10, please make more, and expand the story and lore as much as possible!
Thanks. I already finished the 1st chapter, I just haven't posted it yet.
np
Haha this is good.
Thank you!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: This sounds like a pretty good prologue...its got most of what's needed in the story...I like the intrigue that its building so far...and it looks like some pretty interesting things are going down here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ooooh intriguing start...setting the scene somewhat and introducing a touch of mystery...pretty good opening paragraph there. I'm liking it so far...
Okay....we're getting started with descriptions huh...takes us away a little from the action there but..still nice to picture so that's not a terrible choice especially 'cause the description is actually pretty good.
Hmm...well that's yet another really interesting description...and a pretty intriguing touch of backstory too....I'm loving this so far.
Ooohh...I love it when ghosts get involved....and I love the description of her voice too, really gives you a sense of her character.
Oooh that sound potentially very much illegal and also very dangerous...this is quite a bit of fun so far.
Oooh this got serious real fast...oh dear...well exciting times...good thing to have in a prologue.
Ooof this guy is pretty harsh...
Well that's a perfectly good sounding villain relationship, threatening to kill each other every other every few seconds.
Well that sounds intriguing....nice place to end the prologue there...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this seems like a great start to this story...I'll looking out for future chapters if ever they are posted...anyway that's all I gotta say.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks, dude!