Young Writers Society

Hi there Beast! Tuck here with a review for you.

I was immediately intrigued by this poem because it touches on a very serious and important topic. Like your previous reviewer said, I admire people who are willing to tackle such heavy issues in their poetry. I think you've done a really good job exploring so many angles of this topic, and your repetition helps to tie all of this together.

She is being beaten into the cold unyielding pavement below to the various chants of sexual slurs

As strange as this may sound to say, this was my favorite line of the poem. There are so many descriptors here that create a very vivid image. I'm able to clearly visualize this, and two of my senses (sight and sound) are engaged. "Chant" is excellent word choice that is the cherry on top of this brilliant line.

She is smitten by her eyes, her hair, and her ruby red lips.

When I first read this, I assumed that "her" was referring to the gay friend, and not to the love interest, which definitely changes the meaning of that sentence.

She’s at the theater.

This seemed a little random, as it's not connected to the rest of the poem or the stanza. I think you could take this somewhere and include an anecdote about a first date at the theater, a ~tense~ time at the theater with a friend, etc., but at the moment it doesn't appear to add anything to the narrative.

One structural suggestion I have for you is to use some stanzas to create some more structure to this poem. It would give the reader some natural times to pause, which is a powerful tool to use to create a greater impact of some lines. Although the repetition of the line "My friend is gay" does build in some structure, using white space to give the reader that visual cue to pause would strengthen that structural gap.

In terms of content, something that jumped out to me is this stanza:

My friend is gay.

She is in heaven.

O she is in hell, it’s a sin to be gay.

At least, that’s what she had told me.

I hope she is in heaven, but who am I to rail against religion

She was my friend, and my friend was gay.

She was, and she was proud of it.

It appears to me that the narrator is very flippant about whether their friend is in heaven or hell. I can't imagine the pain that would accompany a loss like this, and I was raised in a very religious household and still believe in the concepts of heaven and hell, but I have a hard time imagining that I would be this casual about it. I think you could express the idea and themes within this stanza better by rephrasing it to something like this:

My friend is gay.
I hope she is in heaven.
The Bible-thumping churchgoers tell me she's in hell, because it's a sin to be gay.
At least, that's what my friend told me they told her.
I think she's in heaven; she tried so hard to love everyone,
even the ones who robbed her of her life for who she loved.
She was my friend, and my friend was gay.
She was gay, and she was proud of it.

I know I made quite a few changes there, but I hope that gives you some direction as you move forward with your editing! I don't mean to make these many changes to put you down or make you feel as though your current writing is insufficient. Rather, I hope that this inspires you to see some different ways you could express those same sentiments. Please don't feel any obligation to adopting any of those changes, much less all of them.

Overall, I respect you for tackling such a loaded topic through poetry and handling it with dignity and poise. I also appreciate the way you considered all angles of this topic; it produced a compelling narrative that contained natural ebbs and flows. Beyond two minor nitpicks, I believe you have some opportunity for growth in the way you've structured this poem and some edits to your final stanza. I hope that these thoughts and suggestions were helpful to you! If you have any questions or concerns about this review please feel free to reach out.

Best,
Tuck

Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! So... let's get started!

First and foremost, gay rights is an extremely important topic. I'm a member of the Gay Straight Alliance and I am a demisexual girl advocating for the acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community. I am assuming this a true personal story for you. So I'm sorry for your loss. She seems to be very strong since coming out can be such a terrifying ordeal.

So now let's start the actual review.

POSITIVES:
Since gay rights is such a controversial yet important topic to talk about, I immediately like this poem due to it's theme. I love when writers, including myself, use their gift to advocate for people and tell stories. This poem is something very relatable and very important to help bring up the discussion of the rights of LGBT folk.

Your narrative is very good and well thought out. I can sense all the emotions from acceptance to grief, to confusion, etc. Emotion is very important in poetry, and here there is so much of it. The first line is so grabbing. It's simple, straight to the point, and it just grabs the reader immediately.

I loved the message of every line especially this one

She was my friend, and my friend was gay.

She was, and she was proud of it.

Wonderful job on that. I love the juxtaposition with bringing up your own thoughts on the matter in these lines

I wish the world would mind their own business, but who am I to rebel against the world.

and this

I hope she is in heaven, but who am I to rail against religion

That just adds more emotion and more depth to how you react and deal with the situation at hand.

The repetition of the phrase "my friend is gay", is really essential to this poem. Placing emphasis on that particularly idea just adds volumes to this poem.

CRITIQUES:
The only critiques I have are just the little things that are easy fixes.

The poem does lack a bit of rhythm and lyricism. I suggest reading it out loud and cleaning up some of the lines to make them flow better.

For example

She is being beaten into the cold unyielding pavement below to the various chants of sexual slurs

Although the emotion is just wonderful and it states clearly what is happening, the line does lack good flow. Maybe breaking it apart or changing up the wording could make it and some of the other lines better. Just be careful not to overdo it so that way the emotion still rings through loud and clear.

This line has a typo, I think.

O she is in hell, it’s a sin to be gay.

I think you meant to type the word "or".

The repetition of the word "she" in so many lines, is a tad off putting. Maybe fix up the lines so they form one cohesive sentence so the word "she" doesn't appear so much. You don't have to get rid of it completely, just a little.

Finally, it's a pet peeve of mine when lines are all capitalized even though some of them are a part of the same sentence. Auto cap is the bane of all poets. So maybe fix that up a bit.

Other than that, wonderful poem! I brings up so many emotions and a topic that needs to be discussed in order to make life better for those who relate to this poem.

If this is a true story, then once again, I am sorry for your loss. I hope you heal from it and maybe use that story to advocate for so many others who might end up going through this horrific ordeal.

Stay strong! And... equality for all! LGBT are people too and love is love! No matter what!

Keep on writing!