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Violence

Signed by A Man Confused.

by BEASTtheHUN


Blood dripping down the wall.

Splattered there by who knows what,

or who.

Bodies burned in shafts and the maniacal laughter of who?

Ah, love.

Ah, life.

Blood dripping down the wall.

Like the bloody trail of the west.

Blood! 

I can’t say I regret it.

Bodies found in sewers, ditches.

Decomposed, the smell of rotting flesh.

This is not a confession.

Rats gnawing, flies digesting.

What do you mean?

This is not a confession.

Bloodstains my hand, but it’s my own.

I love her, she is a part of me.

Gnawing, gnawing, blood-stained fur.

Blood dripping down the wall.


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280 Reviews


Points: 1550
Reviews: 280

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Fri Jul 30, 2021 5:11 am
silented1 wrote a review...



Blood dripping down the wall. good opening, well worded because it's lower in word count than what it could be. You could be more efficient though.

Splattered there by who knows what,

or who. Put this farther out because it'll read faster and hit harder.

Bodies burned in shafts and the maniacal laughter of who? Drop of who, it'll be better.

Ah, love.

Ah, life. Love these lines. Awesome.

Blood dripping down the wall.

Like the bloody trail of the west. So good, try another word than west but keep the idea.

Blood! BLOOD

I can’t say I regret it.

Bodies found in sewers, ditches.

Decomposed, the smell of rotting flesh.

This is not a confession.

Rats gnawing, flies digesting. Good poetry here.

What do you mean?

This is not a confession.

Bloodstains my hand, but it’s my own.

I love her, she is a part of me.

Gnawing, gnawing, blood-stained fur.

Blood dripping down the wall. What? Too rushed.


So, before reading this I thought i was going to be a little worried but now I am not.




BEASTtheHUN says...


Thank you so much for the review, and the tips!



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15 Reviews


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Fri Jul 30, 2021 1:34 am
JacobMoor wrote a review...



Hi!

Just here to give a review, and I wanted to say that I really liked this poem! The bloody handwriting bit at the end is perfect, by the way, awesome ending.

So, there's only a few bits I can see that could use work on it, first being the repetition of the word "who" in the first couple lines; if you rework it a little, it'll still sound good, but the repetition does take away from it a bit. Also, the maniacal laughter sentence could be reworked as well (only personal opinion, there).

I would suggest changing out the line "like a bloody trail of the west", only because of the repetition of the word blood in the line prior. Also, if you were looking to make the poem more effective I would suggest cutting pieces like this - that is, parts of the poem that don't as effectively contribute to the portrayal of the "confused man's" character. ie, you could swap out the line "like a bloody trail of the west" for another simile that might provide insight into our confused man. Show the reader what the killer sees, explain the way he thinks through your descriptions.

I loved the repetition of the lines, too. Blood dripping on the wall, or this is not a confession. That was really clever, it made the poem all the creepier for it.

Oh, and I almost forgot. On the fourth last line, just space out the words blood and stains - should be two words. Other than that no spelling/grammar errors that I can spot.

I really enjoyed the poem, and good luck with the rest of your writing!

Jacob Moor




BEASTtheHUN says...


I'm glad you enjoyed it thank you.



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38 Reviews


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Thu Jul 29, 2021 9:02 pm
AilahEvelynMae wrote a review...



Wow! This was wonderfully written. Congratulations on this piece:)

The actual picture included at the end is pretty awesome- I love visuals in stories so this really got my attention.

This story almost feels like a mystery for me. It could be taken so many ways, as the piece suggests with the amount of questions asked. Overall this is really cool and I loved reading it!

Sending hugs and sunshine!
- Ellie-Mae




BEASTtheHUN says...


Thanks for the review!



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Thu Jul 29, 2021 6:20 pm
mordax wrote a review...



Hey there! To be honest, I just stopped by for a quick read and no review but after reading, I loved this poem and had to say something.

Oooooh I love this gruesome and maniacal vibe you have created. It truly reads like the thoughts and insane rambling of the man who just committed the crime. I loved how you mixed the poem with longer lines then shorter ones, creating this choppy, uneven flow that really made the poem all the more uneasy. I truly only have one critique:

or who.

Bodies burned in shafts and the maniacal laughter of who?

You end both lines here with "who" and this is just my opinion, but I think the poem would be really impactful if you integrated the title. For example, instead of ending this second line with "of who?" you could say:
Bodies burned in shafts and the maniacal laughter of a man
confused?
This is just my opinion but you can change it however you want or keep it the same.

Overall, I loved this poem! I love how you transition from this crazed high to this sudden confusion "This is not a confession". It makes me think of how some killers see their actions under a benevolent light, believing they have committed no wrongdoings. In truth, this makes the poem all the more eerie because I have always found criminals who lack the moral compass to see wrong in their actions to be the scariest of all.

Great job!

Mordax




BEASTtheHUN says...


Thanks for leaving a review, glad you enjoyed it.




"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta