Still not sure on the name, I kinda suck at thinking up names xD But anyways this is the new prologue, all comments and crit are appreciated =)
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Skies of Mystic Fire - new prologue
"Master, why do you insist on aiding the world before?" golden eyes glinted with frustration as the grey wolf stared up intently at the great wizard, a growl resting against creeping, razor edged fangs. "You are at peace now; the chains which clung to you in life have been crushed. You are free."
A breeze wandered through the air, as the last fractured rays of light brushed against the wizard’s cloak. Their radiance was captured in the intricately patterned runes which swept across silky fabric, as it danced in the gentle wind. He patted the wolf’s head.
"As are you, my friend" the wizard smiled softly, with kind eyes. Then he turned to face the land, washed with the gentle glow of the vanishing sun as it rested upon the horizon.
The wolf wavered for a moment, and then curled his mouth to speak. But the frustration had already faded away. After all, it was difficult to hold onto any kind of negative feeling here, in the everlasting lands of eternity.
So he remained there in harmonious silence, until the wizard peered back at him with a kind, yet defiant gaze.
"Though it has been many years since we parted from the Earth and came to reside in this world," he began, and the wolf listened attentively, understanding slowly flickering through his eyes. "I will never forget those lands. In life, I made a promise – that I would live to serve the people with the powers I was blessed to receive. And now in death, I will use my freedom to make a willing choice – which is to continue to honour the pledge I made, all those years ago."
"Then if that is your wish, I shall respect it," came the wolf’s reply, so the wizard smiled, and turned to face the twinkling wisps of light, which scattered the darkening skies.
He raised his arms high above his head, and stretched his hands out wide. Then a voice was weaved along the wind, as the wizard began to chant. It was a low, soft sound, echoed with an enchanting melody. The wolf watched in dazed fascination, for the sight of magic spells never ceased to amaze him.
Slowly, shards of colourful light began to appear. It was as if they had slipped behind the very air itself, but had been summoned forth once more. They soon became a crowding mass above his hands; vibrant swivels of almost every colour drew themselves together into a large, bright orb. The light it cast seemed to rival that of the setting sun in it’s glory, as the orb set it’s colourful rays upon the surrounding lands.
With a quick, definite movement, the great wizard lowered his arms to the ground, sending the orb tumbling into the quivering grasses below. In an instant the great light disapparated, save for a few spiralling shards which rested on the ground like sparks from a fire.
Seconds passed as the wizard and the wolf stood in the gathering breeze, staring at the glimmering glints as they steadily faded away.
And then, it happened. A slow rumble graced the earth, as a large, green vine crashed through the grass and spiralled upwards until it arrived at the level of the wizard’s head, about a meter away from him. A closed bud settled atop the structure, as the wizard turned back to the wolf.
"I won’t be long," he said, for the chant had been completed. The wolf lowered his head in understanding, and slowly backed away.
Then the wizard stepped toward the plant. Within moments, the bud unfolded to reveal a beautiful white flower, which shimmered with the gleam of a captured star. He rested his hands upon its delicate petals, and felt their glow travel up his arm and interlace themselves into the runes, which decorated his cloak. Soon enough, the threaded runes were shining with their own luminosity.
The wolf watched as his master faded away into the breeze.
"Good luck," he whispered, though he spoke only to the wind, for the wizard had already entered the world before.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
You don't need the comma.
Once again, you didn't need the comma. If you want to use one, though, it would work after the word 'runes'.
You don't need the comma.
Okay, I'm seeing a pattern. You think you need to use a comma whenever you use the word 'as'. Now that we've determined that, I'm not going to put any more of those I see on here. I'll leave them for you to find and fix.
Say 'echoing' not 'echoed'.
Great job with this. A few grammatical mistakes but that's it. I loved your descriptions and your dialog was phenomenal. Overall it was interesting and well done. I can't wait for the next part.
thanks KJ =]
Very prettily written. Your plot build-up is excellent, too.
thankyou both! =]
I liked it. The dialog flowed nicely and seemed natural. The description was good too-- just enough to paint a picture and not so much that I was drowning in words.
Very good. i found it quite fascinating. I was pulled in almost immediatly adn look forward to the rest of the story.
kitty15 - thanks for the review! =] *goes make edits*
["Master, why do you insist on aiding the world before?" [This should probably be '...why did you insist...' because it doesn't make sense as present tense switching to past.] golden eyes glinted with frustration as the grey wolf stared up intently at the great wizard, a growl resting against creeping, razor edged fangs. ]
the 'world before' is supposed to represent the earth, and the wizard is going to go back to the earth to help with something. But I guess it's pretty confuzing and could be interpreted otherwise, I'll probably have them call it something else
artecila - cheers for the comments and crit!
Pretty good, I like how it flowed and the dialog was not forced, made it enjoyable to read. Though I must say the whole wizard thing might be a bit cliche, but least it was original and not some flat derivation. As long as the characters seem to be realistic (ironic at times) then I wouldn't be worried about it.
Kitty15 might have missed this:
"Then if that is your wish master, I shall respect it,"
I'd drop master and the change the comma to a period. If you really need the emphasis, I'd rework the phrasing a little. Just a minor thing I found.
Hey there! I quite liked this. I thought that the general concept was a little unoriginal but your plot was unique enough for that to not matter and your characters were well defined. You had some great dialogue and it was all very clear and easy to follow. However, I think you could have added more description. What does the wizard look like? Is he your typical white haired, pointed hat and robe wearing wizard or is he youthful and dressed in jeans and a T-shirt? Just add a little detail to make it easier for your readers to visualise.
Also, you mixed your tenses up a little once or twice and some of your sentences were phrased awkwardly. Here's a few small correction/ suggestions -
"Master, why do you insist on aiding the world before?" [This should probably be '...why did you insist...' because it doesn't make sense as present tense switching to past.] golden eyes glinted with frustration as the grey wolf stared up intently at the great wizard, a growl resting against creeping, razor edged fangs.
A breeze [s]wondered[/s] wandered through the air, as the last fractured rays of light brushed against the wizard’s cloak.
"Then if that is your wish master, I shall respect it," came the wolf’s reply, so the wizard smiled, and turned to face the twinkling wisps of light, which scattered the darkening skies.
It was a low, soft sound, echoed with an enchanting melody. [Should either be echoing or phrase it like 'It was a low, soft sound and it echoed with an enchanting melody.']
In an instant the great light disapparated, save for a few spiralling shards which [s]resting[/s] rested on the ground like sparks from a fire.
"Goodluck" [Should be "Good luck," and note the punctuation addition too.] he whispered, though he spoke only to the wind, for the wizard had already entered the world [s]before[/s].
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In general, I think you have some pretty imagery and I like the direction your plot is heading in. It's got strong potential. Feel free to pm me with questions,
Heather xx
STARRY nite - thanks! =]
nice story!
I like the imagery you used
Karinikanicoleroy - thankyou! =]
Blue Fairy - Thanks alot! =] The golden eyes are sposed to be the wolf's, I see how it could be confuzing though, I'll think about wording it differently.
Majestic Fantasist - thanks! ^.^
I’m impressed by your ability to make something that might seem cliché (wizards with runes and talking wolves) original.
It’s hard to critique after only reading the prologue, so I hope to see more posted.
=D
This is great!
You are a really good writer
You have described everything really clearly to build up a good picture in the reader's head.
The layout and paragraph's are set out well as well.
the only thing that confused me is this:
[quote]"Master, why do you insist on aiding the world before?" golden eyes glinted with frustration as the grey wolf stared up intently at the great wizard, a growl resting against creeping, razor edged fangs.
who's golden eyes? the wolf or the wizard?
anyway this is really great.
post more soon
~Blue Fairy
GOOD ONE very well