Young Writers Society

Wow, I really loved this one. There are a few grammar mistakes here and there, but I think that the plot and everything is just wonderful. The descriptions of everything from the city to the girl are well....descriptive!

I love how this prolouge keeps us in mystery do that we have to read more. (I know I do, at least!)

Anyway, I can't wait to read the next part, and I would definitely reccomend it!

P.s. I love angels!

HI!

I don't care what anybody says, I wouldn't change a THING about your descriptions. You write beautifully! And as far as her 'sadness' goes I really don't think it's necessary to elaborate anymore on it (like some people have mentioned). Sometimes less is more and not everything needs to be explained. I mean it is a prologue right? So don't worry about it. This is very intrigueing and very well written. This is one of the best pieces I've seen on this website. I didn't notice any spelling errors, it was great descriptively, I immediately had images of everything in my mind, and the characters have great potential. I think this is excellent (personally)! Don't stop writing!

I only have one comment pertaining to the dialogue. THe part where Jase asks Dawn what's the matter, I think you should take out the umm just because it would have more impact that way. But that's just my opinion, you do whatever fits your character. Great Great job!!!!!

Wow. What I really like about this piece is its description. I like the way you described the village, the tears in Dawn's eyes, her wings... And I especially like the last part, wherein she claimed that she was no angel, just a girl with wings. It somehow fits perfectly there. But think that it would have more effect if you had withheld that information during the part wherein she was embracing herself. Other than that, nice job.

Best of luck.

Hi,
It was good, but I think it had more questions than answers. Maybe you could try giving a little more information on why she was sad. But avoid INFO-DUMPS.

Otherwise, pretty nice prologue.

Autumn,

Hello. I’m Esme (obviously, but, ah, well), and today I shall be the one critiquing your piece. As usual with my reviews, you’ll get a line-by-line one first, and any impressions, likes and dislikes that I might have will follow. Here we go, then.


Quote:
Poverty had crept up and consumed the place a few years ago,
Okay, this question is for myself, too: can poverty “creep up”? Help a foreigner, heh.


Quote:
The hope the people held in their hearts steadily dwindled.
That sentence sounds a bit chunky, no? How about: “Hope that people held (…)”. ‘course, that was only a suggestion, rephrase to your heart’s contentment.


Quote:
As did the leaves as they crumbled away at the fearful prospect of winter, and shaded the rural landscape a deadening browny grey.
“As did (…)”… Hmm. At the beginning of the sentence? Sounds a tad bit awkward. How about merging this with the above? Or, if you want it to stand alone, consider rephrasing. Also, browny - brownish?


Quote:
A soft wind whispered through the air, as a lone tree shivered atop a hill at the eastern side of the village.
I’d suggest getting rid of the comma. It’s unnecessary.


Quote:
Tucking the rebellious strands behind her ears, she stared upon the village of Erethia with her calm eyes,
Why not just “Erethia”? We know that it’s a village, and a bit further up the same expression was used.


Quote:
Her eyes then rose to stare into the distance, beyond the acres of countryside to the mountains which rested upon the horizon. Then
Then, then.


Quote:
But I don’t know if I’m strong enough… to go alone.
I would recommend an ellipse there, I think.


Quote:
I would be content if that was truly who I am. But… why?
Or here.


Quote:
Instead, she felt the tickle of feathers, which covered the skin, which covered the bone.
Perhaps a repetition in good faith, but I sill do not like it.


Quote:
Instinctively she wrapped the cloak closer around herself, assuring that the wings were hidden beneath it.
Comma up there, I think. After “suddenly”? Hmm. Those two words are very similar, in structure if not in meaning. It’s (insert word)ly, she - and (insert word)ly she, in two respective sentences.


Quote:
Then a figure appeared from between the nearby houses,
I’d get rid of the “then”.


Quote:
Her muscles clenched in caution, before she saw who it was.
Sounds awkward; consider rephrasing.


Quote:
‘Dawn,’ he called, before pausing about a meter away from her, to catch his breath.
Second comma unneeded.


Quote:
then he rose with quick motion, his tumbling, windswept hair falling across his face.
Capitalize that. And, “tumbling” again. A bit up, it’s the same with tears.


Quote:
he breathed, and turned to face her, his expression a mixture of worried frustration,
Period.


Quote:
‘Umm, what’s the matter?’ he asked, leaning his head to the side a little with a raised eyebrow.
“Umm”? *disapproving tone*


Well, on disapproving tones it ends. Onward to impressions, aye?



CAREFUL, CAREFUL…

-> Ellipses. Usually, they’re used to signify trailing of, perhaps some kind of wistfulness, but I still claim that they’re pretty flexible, and mostly, you coped with them quite well. I’ll just be picky about the sentences I highlighted - watch out for that.

-> Jace. He didn’t have a life at all, and was a tad bit flat - you need correct that.

-> The MC’s sadness. She’s realistic in my opinion, and much better than Jace, but I do have one nitpick: the sadness. You need to emphasize that more, give more descriptions of it, because from what I gather, it plays a very important role.




LOVELY!..

-> Descriptions. You have very vivid descriptions, especially on the beginning.

-> Vocab. Link with the above, if you wish.

-> Potential and plot. This being a prologue, I can’t say much, yet I think that the actual story will be interesting.




Conclusions: This piece grabbed my attention, yes, but I can’t really say that it held it with an iron grip. It’s interesting, yes, and I’m curious as to how this shall turn out, but it’s a prologue, and so it’s very hard for me to say anything constructive.

Characters… Sometimes I make a separate section for characters, but again, I’d hardly have any material which would help me do so, this piece being so short. The MC seems okay, though I’d like more descriptions of her sadness, and actually know why she’s sad (though perhaps no reasons were given on purpose), but Jace… He was just boring. Really. He really didn’t strike me as someone I’d come to care for, even if in a second-character sort of way.



Well, cheers,
Esme