Dawn

thanks everyone! =]

"Because in my world, it means everything to be a magician-- something I can never be."

Yeh I think that sounds better, thanks *changes*

This was a great prologue in my opinion. The descriptions, especially when she's in pain, were really great. My favorite one was when she felt like the lightening was surging through her.

This prologue really got me curious as to what will happen next. It gave us an insight into a new magical world and I can't wait to read more. I'll be sure to read chapter one when it comes out.

Ooh, I really liked this first chapter, it pulled me into the story, got me interested right away. I want to read more!

As for edits... Uhm...

Because in a world where it means everything to be a magician, if you’re not, then you are hated.

Thanks for the replies and crit everyone! =] I'll go edit the grammar, and when I do the rewrite I'll take into account all your advice x

Wow, this is a very good prologue. It's good how you started it with a metaphor, espeically since it's an interesting one (Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lightning.)

There are quite a few nice, descriptive passages in here (e.g. scratching bloody rivers all along my arms and legs as they cut against the gravely ground). However, it sort of seems to lose its flow a bit towards the end of the prologue. Maybe try rewording some of those sentences.

Overall, great job, really interesting intro to whatever will follow!

‘You’re a freak, nature girl!’ They spat, ‘You don’t belong here, and you never will.’

Night had draped it’s shadowy, star-encrusted veil over the heavens.

‘Oscar…’ I sighed with relief, chucking the cup to the side, ‘I’m so glad you’re alright’.

Okay, so first of all, I LOVE the way you write. Your metaphors and similes are amazing. My favorites:

Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lightning.

...scratching bloody rivers all along my arms...

But their cruel laughter splintered through my heart like a jagged knife...

‘You’re a freak, nature girl!’ They spat, ‘You don’t belong here, and you never will.’

Night had draped it’s shadowy, star-encrusted veil over the heavens.

Heya! I think I've read this but I haven't commented yet...

Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lightning. It twisted through my veins and choked my senses as I struggled desperately to breathe.

I like this, but it is quite cliche. The way you wrote it however I thought was quite good, and shed a different light onto pain if you will

There was npothing else that really caught my attention to be honest. The ending you said you were unsure about though:

I was destined from the moment I was born to be an outcast. At least, from my kind. Because in a world where it means everything to be a magician, if you’re not, then you are hated.

-'I was destined from the moment I was born to be an outcast. At least, from my kind.' <-Here I would put this into one sentence like so: 'I was destined from the moment I was born to be an outcast, or at least, from my kind'. Just a minor change.

-'Because in a world where it means everything to be a magician, if you’re not, then you are hated.' This doesn't make sense, try 'Because in a world where it means everything to be a magician, and you’re not, then you are hated.'

A bit picky the l;ast bits, but I thought it was really good, and perhaps a bit cliche, this was a very good intro, I would like to read more!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

This was very good, i found few grammar mistakes, one thing i thought you could improve on was the bird and the cup. i thought that the cup was oscar and got confused when she just chucked it away. maybe you could say it was a bird in the cup before it flew onto her arm?

Anyway, good start. please write more!

I LOVE IT WRITE MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ooh! This is much better than the previous version! I like your new idea: most stories are about people who ARE magicians, living with other magicians, but this is just the opposite. AWESOME!

Of course, stories with magicians in them need a clear explanation of how the magic works. Almost every story I have read uses a different explanation of how magic works. If the magic isn't so great, a magician story falls apart. Just something to think about.

Keep up the great work!

Preety interesting.

thanks for the comments! =D ^.^

I agree with you both about the last sentence, i'll edit it out

also lyrical_sunshine I read over the bird & cup bit again and I see what you mean, I've tried to make it more clear -

I pulled myself up and struggled along the ground towards the cup, trying to ignore the agonizing aches. Collapsing, I reached out my hand and pulled it up.

‘Oscar…’ I sighed with relief, chucking the cup to the side, ‘I’m so glad you’re alright’. The pretty snow-white bird, who had been trapped inside the metal container, swooped up into the darkness above. Moments later, he plunged back down to perch on my arm which was splayed across the stony earth.

I wasn't sure about the dialogue either, I'll probably edit that later.

Ooh! You have lovely lovely description. It's refreshing.


I don't understand what was going on with the bird and the cup. Can you explain that a little better? Was he inside the cup or what?

I agree with Azila, your dialogue is essentially good, but it needs to be stronger. 'don't kid yourself, you're just a freak' sounds sort of third-grade-ish. If they HATE, her, than make it sound like they hate her.

I do like the last part, but I don't know if you need the "My name is Dawn and this is my story." It almost ruins it.

Autumn wrote:Hi guys! well this is my first time posting a story on this account, had to make a new one since I can't get into my old account (phoenix) :[ I don't know if any of you read my story 'Shadow of paradise' but this is basically a development upon that since I changed the story line quite a bit. I'm not sure if I'll go onto develop this into a full novel since I'm still figuring some stuff out with it but I felt like writing so I thought I'd have a stab at writing the prologue.

Comments and crit appreciated! x

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Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lightning. It twisted through my veins and choked my senses as I struggled desperately to breathe.

‘Please! Just leave me alone!’ I tried to scream, but my words came out in a scrambled mess of whispers. I thrashed my body from side to side, scratching bloody rivers all along my arms and legs as they cut against the gravely ground.

My eyes were blurred with streaming tears and sealed with fright. At least in the darkness, I didn’t have to see them. But their cruel laughter splintered through my heart like a jagged knife and made the pain even more unbearable. Amidst the howling cackles and my thundering heartbeat they uttered words of malevolence. Words that made me want to curl into a ball and get smaller and smaller until I just crumbled away into nothing.

‘You’re a freak, nature girl!’ They spat, ‘You don’t belong here, and you never will.’

‘Don’t kid yourself that you could ever be a magician, you’re just a freak!’

The fact that I knew they spoke the truth was what made it even harder to bear.

I don’t know how long I lay there in the freezing darkness, submitting myself to their torture. Seconds? Minutes? Hours? I don’t really know, because soon enough I became numb to the agonizing pain, their words and laughter merging together to form a hazy blur of spite.

I may have fainted, because when I finally dared to open my eyes, I found myself submerged in darkness. Night had draped it’s shadowy, star-encrusted veil over the heavens. I tried to move my hand, but a sharp, throbbing twinge echoed through it. My eyes watered as I bit my lip from the pain.

I stared helplessly into the blackness, and a flicker of silver at the corner of my eye caught my attention. I turned and saw it was a steel cup. I was just about to turn away when I noticed it move slightly.

Confused, I wondered if it had just been blown by the wind… but the night was still. Suddenly I came to a realization.

‘Oscar?’ I whispered. I noticed a change in my voice. I sounded weaker, though it wasn’t just from the physical pain. I felt as though my already broken soul had been shattered.

I pulled myself up and struggled along the ground towards the cup, trying to ignore the agonizing aches. Collapsing, I reached out my hand and pulled it up.

‘Oscar…’ I sighed with relief, chucking the cup to the side, ‘I’m so glad you’re alright’. The pretty snow-white bird swooped up into the darkness above, then plunged back down to perch on my arm which was splayed across the stony earth.

‘Those damn magicians!’ he exclaimed angrily, ruffling his feathers in annoyance, ‘look what they’ve done to you! Why if I was their size I’d-‘

‘It’s okay…’ I cut in, tears rolling down my cheeks as I smiled faintly. I paused, trying to think of something to say which would make everything better, but I couldn’t think of anything.

‘I’ll be fine,’ I lied.

*****

I was destined from the moment I was born to be an outcast. At least, from my kind. Because in a world where it means everything to be a magician, if you’re not, then you are hated. My name is Dawn, and this is my story.

[I'm not sure about this last part]

My name is Dawn, and this is my story.

‘I’ll be fine,’ I lied.

cheers for the comments and crit you three ^^ I'll go edit it in a sec.

As for the last part.. still not sure I guess I'll leave it there for now and maybe delete it later.

This is pretty good! the emotion was very well done and for the most part, there aren't that many errors.

One main thing: All dialogue needs to be punctuated. For example, rather than--
‘Don’t kid yourself that you could ever be a magician, you’re just a freak’
--it should be--
‘Don’t kid yourself that you could ever be a magician, you’re just a freak!’
Or that could be a period.

Another thing: you need to space out your work! For example, rather than:

Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lighting. It twisted through my veins and choked my senses as I struggled desperately to breathe.
‘Please! Just leave me alone!’ I tried to scream, but my words came out in a scrambled mess of whispers. I thrashed my body from side to side, scratching bloody rivers all along my arms and legs as they cut against the graverly ground.

Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lighting. It twisted through my veins and choked my senses as I struggled desperately to breathe.

‘Please! Just leave me alone!’ I tried to scream, but my words came out in a scrambled mess of whispers. I thrashed my body from side to side, scratching bloody rivers all along my arms and legs as they cut against the graverly ground.

I thrashed my body from side to side, scratching bloody rivers all along my arms and legs as they cut against the graverly ground.

Atleast in the darkness, I didn’t have to see them.

‘You’re a freak, nature girl’
They spat,
‘You don’t belong here, and you never will’

The fact that I knew they spoke the truth, was what made it even harder to bear.

I don’t really know, because soon enough I became numb to the agonising pain, their words and laughter merging together to form a hazy blur of spite.

Night had draped it’s shadowy, star encrusted veil over heavens.

Suddenly I came to a realisation.

I pulled myself up and struggled along the ground towards the cup, trying to ignore the agonising aches.

The pretty snow white bird swooped up into the darkness above, then plunged back down to perch on my arm which was splayed across the stony earth.

Atleast, from my kind.

I really liked the way you described everything in this. You have introduced Dawn well and have begun to build her character right.

I could only find a few grammer mistakes.

Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lighting

scratching bloody rivers all along my arms and legs as they cut against the graverly ground.

Atleast in the darkness,

star encrusted veil over heavens.

‘I’ll be fine…’ I lied.

Uh, cool prologue! I'm not sure what the thing with the magicians is about, but then again, prologues are for leaving questions so that you read more to get answers! So I'll be doing just that!