Young Writers Society

thanks CarryIt_toGod =]

Hi Autumn!
This story is my first review, and boy am I glad it was! This was great! You did a good job of presenting a plot the was clearly constructed but with the right level of the unknown factor to keep me on the edge. I honestly can't wait for you to write more!

My only problem was "The wall" I'm not an expert but.... if this "wall" is an important factor of the story that you want to put emphasis on then you should probably make it capital "The Wall"; otherwise put an adjective in front of it as OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo said

thanks for the comments and crits =]

mikedb1492 wrote:One of the things I thought was weird was that the only one happy about the death of their captors was Russ. Shouldn't they all be extremely angry at the people for keeping them locked up all their life? Wouldn't at least a little bit of bitterness form? After all, if they were like prisoners then they'd only know themselves and the guards that brought them food and supplies. They would probably assume the entire town was full of the heartless people that locked them up. If you ask me, a lot of people there would say things like "Good riddense." If their concern for these people plays a big part in this story I would make it so that they had made connections to people from the outside. Like lets say the main character had a connection with some girl from the village or something. Or maybe they saw the children and families playing together or something. Who knows. You decide.

This was pretty cool. I really liked it. The opening sentence was made me wonder "Why was there a wall trapping them?" and that alone made me really curious.
One of the things I thought was weird was that the only one happy about the death of their captors was Russ. Shouldn't they all be extremely angry at the people for keeping them locked up all their life? Wouldn't at least a little bit of bitterness form? After all, if they were like prisoners then they'd only know themselves and the guards that brought them food and supplies. They would probably assume the entire town was full of the heartless people that locked them up. If you ask me, a lot of people there would say things like "Good riddense." If their concern for these people plays a big part in this story I would make it so that they had made connections to people from the outside. Like lets say the main character had a connection with some girl from the village or something. Or maybe they saw the children and families playing together or something. Who knows. You decide.

Overall, this was pretty good. I can't wait for the next part.

Hello. Very nice. I'd like to see it continued.

The magic infused glass wall, which had imprisoned me my whole life, now lay shattered upon the trembling grass. A cool breeze whispered through the air, as I lent my foot on one of the glittering shards. Wavering for a moment, it soon broke with a cold, brittle snap.

I sighed, lifting my gaze once more to the ruptured lands, meters away from where we stood on the low, gloomy hilltop. The once beautiful, bright city of Tristelle now lay in ruin. An ugly, darkened mess. It was like the earth had been ripped apart, tossed into the air, and then thrown back down again into a crumpled, shadow infested heap.

Every now and then I caught a flash of blood red amongst the chaos, brushed across the bodies of tall, darkened figures whose bodies were twisted into monstrous shapes.

This was the moment I had waited for, the moment I had always dreamed of in the fifteen years I had been alive.

But all I could think right now was of the cruel injustice that had taken place. Those evil, bloodthirsty demons had turned this place overnight from a paradise upon earth into a living hell. All those innocent lives gone, just like that. And all we could do was watch helplessly from behind the wall as they ravaged through the city, killing, destroying. When the wall, too, had been shattered, it could only mean one thing - that all traces of life in the city had been swept away. Only once the demons had had their fill did they lay dormant. Probably assessing their handywork with cruel, bitter grins.

My hands curled into fists as rage erupted within me.

"How could they do this?" I burst, breaking the silence which had built up around me.

I turned to the nine-year-old, as she walked across from our home, which was a simple, two-story house. It was the only place I’d known my entire life. Crissie, with her curling black hair and icy blue eyes, stared up at me intently. In my scrambled heap of emotions, I couldn’t help but to conjure a sad smile.

"I might go down there," he said abruptly, in is his usual calm, reasonable voice, which made it seem like a demon infested wasteland was just a walk down the lane. "Just, in case anyone survived."

"How do you know they’d kill us?" His forehead crumpled in rustration. "How do you know we won’t kill them? Why do you think we’ve been trapped on this damned hill?"

"The power seals" I whispered, lifting up my sleeve. A metallic, intricately designed bracelet decorated my wrist. I gasped in shock. The tiny runes, which patterned it, had stopped glowing.

"Thousands of innocent people have just died" I glared at him angrily. "And all you care about is bread?"

"Hey, who’s the enemy here?" Russ shot back, "They’re the ones that locked us up, and they’re the ones that wanted to kill us! Who’s side are you-"

Wow, this was a great beginning, too. I always envy people who are good at beginnings, the beginning is one of my many fatal weaknesses. XD

The magic infused glass wall, which had imprisoned me my whole life, now lay shattered upon the trembling grass.

I’d never really held meaning to the saying that something can be both a blessing and a curse. Well the wall surely fitted the ‘curse’ category, but it had also saved our lives.

"Just, in case anyone survived."

Thanks a bunch for the comments and crit, I really appreciate it!

I'll get it edited in a sec.

I really enjoyed this, actually. It intrigued me, I'll say that. There were, however, many grammar and composition mistakes that I noticed, so I'll try to correct them here.

infuzed

as I lent my foot on the glittering shards. Wavering for a moment, it soon broke with a cold, brittle snap.

I’d never really held meaning to the saying that something can be both a blessing, and a curse. Well, the wall surely fitted the ‘curse’ category, but it had also saved our lives.

It was like the earth had been ripped apart, tossed into the air, and then thrown back down again into a crumpled, shadow infested heap.

But all I could think right now was of the cruel injustice that had taken place. Those evil, bloodthirsty demons had turned this place overnight from a paradise upon earth, into a living hell. All those innocent lives gone. Just like that. And all we could do was watch helplessly from behind the wall as they ravaged through the city, killing, destroying. When the wall too, had been shattered, it could only mean one thing. That all traces of life in the city had been swept away. Only once the demons had had their fill, did they lay dormant. Probably assessing their handywork with cruel, bitter grins.

My hands curled into fists as rage erupted within me.

‘How could they do this?’ I burst, breaking the silence, which had built up around me.

Because they’re demons. My mind answered for me.

A brief silence followed, until I heard footsteps from behind.

I turned to the 9 year old, as she walked across from our home, a simple, two-story house.

It was the only place I’d known my entire life.

In all my scrambled heap of emotions, I couldn’t help but to conjure a sad smile.

kicking a spiral of dust into the air, before looking up once more ‘what we gonna do now?’

I shuddered, and looked away quickly.

I stared across the hilltop to where Tay, tall, with his chestnut brown hair, stood against the breeze, looking upon the land. His emerald green eyes seemed caught up in conflicting emotions.

After a few moments, he sensed my gaze, and turned to walk over.

I opened my mouth to argue, but Crissie got there before me.

Whaaat?’ She gasped, reaching forward and grabbing his arm. Her eyes were fuelled with terror ‘With those things down there?’

‘Crissie’s right,’ I echoed, ‘I’d advise you didn’t, unless, of course, you have a death wish.’

his forehead crumpled in frustration,

I gasped, as realisation flooded through me.

‘Hey, guys!’ called a voice from behind, distracting us momentarily from this realization. It was Russ, his curly blonde hair swaying in the wind as he ran over. A vastly over fall rucksack lined his back, and as he ran, random cans of food and books came tumbling out.

Let’s get outta this hell hole already!’ he grinned excitedly, ‘finally we’re free, we could go anywhere! Even.. uh.. Hawaii! Oh, we could even go to France and eat baguettes!’

‘Thousands of innocent people have just died’ I glared at him angrily, ‘and you just care about bread?’

‘They’re the ones that locked us up, and they’re the ones that wanted to kill us! Who’s side are you-’

Russ gasped in shock as he, too, came to the realisation.

With a sudden urgency, I began to tug at my bracelet. I had to know the reason. I had to know why the four of us had been locked up, from the moment we were born.

I struggled with the bracelet,

upwards

to try and control it.

really? thankyou very much! ^^

I'll go make the edits, pretty sure fuelled is spelt with 2 L's though?

Wow!!

This was REALLY good!!!

I loved it! Although, I think that you should put an adjective in front of when you say "The wall" (so that you explain what type of wall it is, is it cement, wooden, drywall, or glass?)

(For this Part)

The wall, which had imprisoned me my whole life, now lay shattered upon the trembling grass.

Her eyes were fuelled with terror

I'd advice you didn't