z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Sunday, March 1st, 2015

by Authorpink


Dear Diary

Wow it feels good to write that out without people looking at it. My parents had a tendency to read my old diary, (I am hiding this one in my closet where my parents won't find it) and told me to stop sticking my head in books and do some sports.

I wonder who I will become when I reach the end of this book. I hope that I understand the mysteries of the universe, or maybe I will understand why my brother acts like an animal. Or maybe what makes popular kids popular. 

Tomorrow I have school and the track and field tryouts. It will probably be awkward because my school is horrible at running in general. I find it strange that we have any sports teams in school at all. I am actually hoping that it gets canceled (but no sudden freak storms are coming to save me). See you tomorrow after tryouts.

Jean Watson

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Wed Jun 23, 2021 11:24 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Dear Diary
Wow it feels good to write that out without people looking at it. My parents had a tendency to read my old diary, (I am hiding this one in my closet where my parents won't find it) and told me to stop sticking my head in books and do some sports.


Okay, this is a touch of innocence that you don't see too often on YWS. Just a pretty wholesome sounding diary entry there, seems like a wonderful little start that we have here, but uhh, let's dive right in. Right off the bat, this is an interesting thought there, it appears this person's writing this diary secretly. The fact the parents appear to be forcing them to stay away from books is an interesting detail, on one hand it could just be an innocent thing we can learn more about this character being a bit of a bookwork perhaps but on the other hand there's also potentially some more sinister connotations here so, certainly a lot to think about with this one.

I wonder who I will become when I reach the end of this book. I hope that I understand the mysteries of the universe, or maybe I will understand why my brother acts like an animal. Or maybe what makes popular kids popular.
]

Ahh, the thoughts here though, they just seem like the innocent wanderings of someone pretty young there, what with the brother being an animal and the whole popular kids thing, ahh, this just became the wholesome little entry that I imagined it to be and I am loving this so far.

Tomorrow I have school and the track and field tryouts. It will probably be awkward because my school is horrible at running in general. I find it strange that we have any sports teams in school at all. I am actually hoping that it gets canceled (but no sudden freak storms are coming to save me). See you tomorrow after tryouts.


Well, this just continues that sense of innocence really nicely there, the statement that an entirely school would suck at running and then the wishing for a storm to come and cancel the whole event really showcases the sort of personality here and ahh, this was just a really wholesome little diary entry. It was a really fun read here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Mar 23, 2015 12:44 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Nice formatting. :p

It was interesting to read a diary entry, as it's not something I often find on YWS. You wrote it very well, like you were the character and you had a perfect understanding of how she feels. You told me a lot about your character by mentioning things such as her wanting to understand what makes people popular, and how her brother acts like an animal. I think it would be really cool if you used the diary as a companion to a story. :D




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Sun Mar 22, 2015 6:14 pm
Odd wrote a review...



Here to review.

This is a good start for a novel (I am guessing this is the start of your novel). I like how you write about who you will become by the end of the book, because when you start wondering things like those, so do we, and we want to read more. I find, however, that there are some things you could improve.

Firstly, I find that this is slightly short. It is the beginning of a story and there isn't much action and not really any detail in particular that makes the story very captivating, as is usual with a journal. However, since it's starting off slowly like that, it might help the reader if you gave more details. For example, talk more about why the people in your school are horrible at running.

Then, there are a couple of other problems. For example, the first sentence needs a comma or an exclamation mark after "Wow":

Wow! It feels good to write that out without people looking at it.


Also, what you put in parentheses is linked to what you are doing because your parents have a tendency to read your diary, and not linked to them telling you to stick your head in books. Therefore, the comma should go after the parentheses, not before:
...my old diary (I am hiding this one in my closet where my parents won't find it), and told me to stop sticking my head...


Apart from that, everything is correct. I'd like to see how this story unfurls.
Keep writing,
Odd





Perfect kindness acts without thinking of kindness.
— Lao Tse