Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Moya lay naked, face down on a stone table. The cold slab against her forehead soothed her puffy brows, dry nose and swollen cheeks, which moments previously had been tweezed and plucked to get rid of hairs she could not have imagined had been present on her face. She clenched her jaw as it persisted. Moya’s back seared with a burning pain as the strangers above scraped at her neck and down her spine with dull knives. Her eyes focused on the floor beneath her and the clergymen whispered things too low for her ears to make out, but a few of them were snickering. Another tugged at the hair on her head, and Moya felt a flutter by her ears.
The crisp snip of the
blades against her coarse strands surprised her. A clergy stood over her,
trimming away long slices at a time with deft, angry movements. Could she have
had so much hair? What was she doing wrong? Around the edges of the room,
mumbled prayers and condolences were shared. Kumara’s voice among them stood
out, and Moya had the urge to reach her gaze—
“Don’t move,” said the
clergy at her head, pressing down against Moya’s scalp. Moya felt blood rush to
her cheeks and startled again as she heard the clatter of a tray being set on
some table and caught the overpowering scent of beeswax. A lot of feet shuffled
around and Moya gasped. The hot liquid drizzled against her back as pairs of
hands rubbed it in against her trembling skin, their practiced fingers
ritualizing the traditions for the purification ceremony.
Aahh, she pulled at a roll of cloth and bit into it, but the worse of it had already subsided now into dull burns. Endure. What’s left? First the purification, then the recitations. Last, the induction. And she could finally join in the ranks of the Priests and Priestesses of Mossa!
It felt strange, now that she was actually in the midst of doing it. All girls growing up admired the priestesses. They were the symbol of beauty, of grace, of reverence. What young girl growing up as she had would not choose a better life for herself? Raise her caste and social standing to join in their ranks? Yet, these were not her reasons for joining, not really. Moya at that time of her life, was unlike any of those girls, and so in that sense, the last nineteen months had been hell for her. She had always been different, always a loner of sorts.
She never cared for riches or materials. Not even a home. How could she, if she had both and would have to give them up to become a priestess in the first place? No. She never cared for romance or love. She never grieved for anyone. Never cared for someone enough to want to bring them back to life. She was not in trouble with the law and therefore utilizing the Sanctum’s protection to shield a life of crime, like Vanna had.
She had never paid attention to the other girls and their fondness for the silks and robes of the priesthood, or the makeups or jewelry or oils or any of that. She never paid attention until she had to realize the sheer amount of work and effort they had to go through, day in and day out, the amount of sacrifice and pain they practiced as though sacrifice and pain were a craft to learn. She witnessed it firsthand with Kumara, saw how Kumara transformed before her very eyes, day after day, how she had lost so much weight, how she had delegated more, shown more grace, how she had smiled.
“I still think it’s stupid,” Moya said to Kumara one day.
“Why is it stupid, dear?”
“Just. Everything. Look, the shaving. Would the God King really be so concerned with shaving? Why would he care about beards or hair?”
Kumara had laughed at her. “It is
not the God King the Priesthood does all this for. It is for the people!
“You see those actors with their inked skins and pinched waists? It is all part
of the act, that look they get with the painted faces? Surgeries and lighting
and blush, it’s all silly, but the people do worship them.
“You see those racers, with their plasmid-injections and prepared speeches sauntering around as though they are the very best mankind is capable of? Oh, how the people do worship them.
“The
God King is not concerned with such superficiality that is true. He has the
whole of Mossa—no, the whole of the Celestia universe to worry about. There are
whole worlds and galaxies far far far away from us, he has no time for such frivolities.
“The people of Mossa are our
responsibility as Priests and Priestesses. If you wish for them to listen to you, they first must worship
you as they do their actors and racers. As they do the Star Guard.
“That is the reason we shave, Moya.
Do not let them fool you into thinking it’s because of something petty like purity. Among humans, we are
all actors, you know? Even the priesthood cannot escape that fate.”
Irony was what had first led Moya to the stone slab steps of the Temple of Asterun. It was a place she once despised, a place she once viewed for their cruelty and superficial way of life.
Kumara was different. Kumara saw things differently, and she had always wanted to join the priesthood, even when they were little. Moya would make fun of her always, mocked her and belittled her for such a ludicrous decision.
You have it all. You are an Aster! You have a family that loves you, brothers who give you all of their attention. A name and House that will open doors for you. Marriage prospects from handsome, powerful men. You have money. You have the ability to chase after your dreams, travel the sixteen continents. And you choose to become a Priestess? Kumara. Why? For others, I can understand the temptation, but for you? You’re not even rising in caste, you would be falling down! I know you are devout but for Mossa’s sake, why?
Moya remembered that night especially, the way the rain fell thick obscuring even the light from the celestial rings. It was the lightning that revealed it. A whip of blue that shone across fresh scars on the inside of Kumara’s wrists. She didn’t try to hide it, but Moya never truly saw her friend clearly, until that night. It was not a practice she engaged in. Kumara is fun. Bold. Better than her in every way. How could she not have been happy? Before the Priesthood, Moya was only the daughter of the Firekeeper, a mere house servant in the Aster’s eyes and still, despite her privilege, how could Kumara have suffered?
“I do not want to marry.” That
was her answer. “Not Liander. Not even if he were a prince charming. Many have
tried to talk me out of joining. Mother, father. I am grounded to this room
until I ‘come to my senses’ but it only reveals their hypocrisy, does it not?
“It should be an honor to have a
daughter join the Priesthood. To have someone from the bloodline join the Holy
Order as my aunt did. My family are closest to the God King in blood, but
furthest from him in practice. It is up to me,
my generation, to change that. I must lead by example. And. I really do not
want to get married to him, Moya. He
does not interest me. Making more and more Aster babies does not interest me.
My life is my own. Now, I know my mother put you up to this. A good friend, Moya, wouldn’t fight me on
this. A good friend would say they did all they could to convince me and allow
me this chance to escape.
“But. But if you were a true friend—Moya, if you were a true friend you would join the Priesthood with
me! That is my deepest, selfish wish.”
And somehow. Because if she did it, if she went through with it, she could then be called Kumara Aster’s truest friend…
So she did it. She was admitted an apprenticeship.
A/N:
There will be a (1.3) to finish up Moya's point of view, and then chapter 2!
So, this chapter is messy in the timeline, thoughts, and backstory, I know. I know. I appreciate any thoughts for improvement, though I'm mostly concerned right now with how Moya as a character is coming across and if any confusion arises with the world building.
Thanks for reading!
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140,213 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hello again!!
One little detail I would love for you to add is a little more about what Moya looks like. There is a lot of talk about hair in this segment and the removal of hair is a big thing - how much hair does Moya have? How big of a deal is this hair removal process, like how much hair are we talking here?
I really liked the beginning part of this showing her going through this ritual and her thoughts as she's going through the ritual. The descriptions were awesome and I really felt like I was there and experiencing this with her. I think I even cringed at one point
I also liked the discussion about why they go through this purification process and who they do it for and why. To me, I felt a parallel to our culture and how celebrities/athletes/famous people have to do certain things and dress a certain way and do XYZ to their appearance to meet these weird standards and so people will continue to like them and look up to them. I don't know if that was a parallel you were going for, but I liked it
The timeline and backstory did confuse me a little. I like the backstory with Kumara and Kumara's motivations and how that ended up influencing Moya. I think all of that is super interesting. My thought for how you might fix it is, does all of it have to be in the first chapter? Right now I feel like you're trying to pack a lot into this first chapter and I'm starting to feel a little lost. A lot of characters have been named, there's a lot of world stuff happening, and I don't know what to focus on. I think some of this backstory stuff could be filtered into later chapters once we know more about Moya and Kumara and the world and what's happening in the plot.
The writing itself is lovely and rich and you have great style and technique! I'm no expert in worldbuilding, but I can tell you've put a lot of thought into the world. I'm not sure what to think about Moya yet because she hasn't done much yet - she's just come to start her ritual and has started to get shaved. She's intriguing and I'm guessing she's pretty brave, but that's all I've got so far
I'll leave things there for now and hop on over to the final segment tomorrow! But let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention!
Carlito Thank you so much for your review and thoughts! I meant to comment earlier and I got stuck doing laundry. <3 :3 I'm sorry for dragging you into a SCIFI/FANTASY BTW , I didn't know!
This draft is CERTAINLY top-heavy which I apologize for. It's hard to get a perspective of the amount of info-dumps as a writer, because from my vantage - I know what information I am leaving out (a novel's worth, lol). And the struggle between how much is enough for clarity, and how much is too much too soon is real, so some is bound to creep in no matter what. Your perspective is invaluable to me for edits! But I'm glad that by the sounds of it, important things still gets across!
Luneset is tricky, because it is not a linear story. It jumps between different perspectives, so Moya's part has to cover certain main characters (ie Kumara, God King) and I have to ground readers here before I whisk off to another time and place and have you forget all about her, which is why the chapters are SUPES meaty. Until I finish draft1, I probably won't have an answer to fixing this as much as I'd like to, womp, womp.
TY too for pointing out Moya's lack of agency in this first part. I was debating it. I do also think she had long hair going into this, so I'll add a bit more in!
AHHHH THANK YOU!
<3 Audy
Hello again. So...This second part was nice. It built up slowly but powerfully.
I liked the 'ritual' part in the beginning. Read right after Luneset 1.1, it gave the impression of slowly finding a focus, starting out with the entire scope of the mausoleum and getting closer and closer to Moya. If I really had to nit-pick, your zoom sort of hiccups when you get to Moya's feelings about being initiated into priesthood. I expected you to be more explicit about her emotions but you only wrote :
« It felt strange, now that she was actually in the midst of doing it. »
We know what she isn't feeling (elation at her material and social gain) but we have no idea if she is happy, relieved not to have screwed up, determined not to disappoint Kurama ? I suppose we will learn more in the next part but it was odd, like the camera was getting closer and closer, before suddenly veering off course and gliding sideway, revealing other girls standing next to Moya – first, briefly, Vanna, then Kurama.
Ah, Kurama…Now, that's a character I can imagine falling in love with. Those very first words you put in her mouth about the priests having a part to play were gold. It's something anyone of our time can relate to, I believe but, more than that, it reeks of sainthood, both pragmatic and pious.
I was already intrigued and, then, it turned out that she was a princess in rebellion, and just a little manipulative. Seriously, what else can you call someone who say things like :
« But. But if you were a true friend—Moya, if you were a true friend you would join the Priesthood with me! That is my deepest, selfish wish. »
They clearly have a complicated relationship. Moya is so emotionally dependent on Kumara that she let herself be talked into embracing a faith she clearly doen't entirely adhere to. But Kumara is the one who damn near begs her friend to join up with her. And then, there is the bit about Moya ribbing Kumara, her social superior, about her calling.
I'm...curious.
The only sad thing about that part is that you should work more on your punctuation. Syntax can lend shock value to a sentence. For example, you wrote :
« And somehow. Because if she did it, if she went through with it, she could then be called Kumara Aster’s truest friend…
So she did it. She was admitted an apprenticeship. »
Wouldn't it seem more momentous if you wrote :
« And somehow, because if she did it, if she went through with it, she could then be called Kumara Aster's truest friend...she did it.
She got admitted into an apprenticeship. »
I like it better that way anyway.
All of luck to you. I'm waiting impatiently for part 1.3.
I am always SO bad at emotions, thanks so much for that insight. It is so good to see where and how, because I intend to go back and add them in!
:3 :3 :3 Your reaction to Kumara and Moya make me excited, I am glad that Kumara's manipulations come across :3 heh heh.
Ahhhhhhh, thanks again for reading! Your thoughts and feedback are invaluable to me!
Hello again!
If I add this to the previous chapter it makes so much more sense:
I now understand who and what priests and priestess are and a bit more about the country and world (or should I say worlds). That bit surprised me, I think I remembered seeing the genre as science fiction but must have forgotten. That's cool, I don't read much sci-fi because I find it confusing but this also has fantasy elements which will make it much easier. Because of that, I'm now intrigued as to what is going to happen, it wouldn't be a sci-fi if there wasn't some world travelling, right? It also means something happens, either she doesn't become part of the priesthood or some sort of prophecy adventure or something else entirely. I also got much more character development, with her friend, her desires, her past, her reactions to things. I found that chapter flowed better than the last, I could keep up with Moya's thought trail better.
Okay now let's move into some improvements:
First thing was the bit in italic, the flashback, how old is she here? For that matter, how old is she is present day? Because in the flashback I though she was young like no older than 10 but that's what I think when it says "when we were younger". If so I don't think that's how a young child would speak but ignore if I'm wrong. I think the early parts suffer a little from show don't tell. For example, "The cold slab against her forehead soothed her puffy brows, dry nose and swollen cheeks, which moments previously had been tweezed and plucked to get rid of hairs she could not have imagined had been present on her face." I could see this being described in a different way. Like her feeling the hairs being ripped out, like thousands of needles across her face, something like that. It just makes me feel more involved in the story because I can almost feel it.
Overall, really good and I will be waiting for the next instalment ^_^
Awesome! I am glad this feels easier to read as far as sci-fi stories go!
I think in the flashback she may have been 14-15, and in the story she is 18
Thanks for the suggestions and for reading!
Hi Audy!
Quick question: With this being 1.2, in it's lengthier form would 1.1 and 1.2 still be separated or would they follow straight on from another? I've found it's very easy when posting chapters in parts to try and create conclusions at the end of each part where it wouldn't fall naturally in a piece. I'm not sure if skipping straight from Moya is going to be a priestess to Moya lay naked and face down on a stone table really fit together too well.
Your world building is great. You've given just enough information to create a sense of culture, and the parts of it that are important to the characters. I think the reason this is so good is because you've started by picking out the parts of the world you've created that are the easiest to understand and interact with as a reader, because immediately there is a place for them in the story, and that's fantastic.
I'm a little worried about your portrayal of Moya as a character. I think what you're trying to portray is a young girl who is very devoted and focused on her task of becoming a priestess? You spend more time describing the things she doesn't care about rather than the things she does, so it makes her seem more apathetic than devoted. A character who buries their grief and sacrifices love is more interesting and also easier to root for than someone who simply cares for neither.
There is also a slight contradiction in her thoughts, in that she doesn't care for materials or riches, but she still seems to regard them as significant when referring to Kumara's backstory. That also implies that she believes social caste to be a factor in becoming a priestess, where before she said it was simply seeing the transformation of someone else. She also claims to be a loner, but she seems to have a fairly fond relationship with Kumara.
The world building is really cool, I like the idea, and superficiality is a great theme for a modern audience. There is potential for Moya and I can see her devotion and drive towards what is a painstaking lifestyle as something that will make her a very interesting character, especially with her being an underdog. I think you just need to flip the way you portray her to focus on what she wants and what she sacrifices, rather than where she's going and what she doesn't care about.
Just as a final note, this piece is beautifully written. There is a strong sense of voice and your vocabulary is perfect. I've no doubt you can find a way to bring out the best in Moya.
Keep it up =]
1.2 follows straight on from 1.1, but with an asterisk separating *** because there is indeed a passage of time. I did also worry about the flow/transition. The "Moya lay naked" was meant to be my opening hook, but I moved it down, I'll look it over and see what I can do, cause I was thinking that too P:
I'm SO SO thankful for your comments on Moya though, because it's definitely true that I want to have her come across as devoted, I think that the apathy lines were my attempt at having her also sound like a teenager would, obviously needs some work. I'm glad that you caught that. I will definitely go back to flesh out her emotions a lot more and untangle the contradictory parts.
I do think Moya is definitely conscious of social-caste as just a matter she's been drilled with, kind of like how we're all drilled with going to college after school, and then finding a job--I want it to come across that she is riding her rails, doing what she should be doing, whereas Kumara is not, something I don't think Moya or Kumara realize the full implications of. I'll work on that 8D
Thanks so much for reading, also for your thoughts and insights :3 <3 <3 <3 I have been gnawing and feasting in them.
I am jumping in midstory (well, it's kind of part two), but I am already interested! Moya and Kumara...The names are really pretty too!
Oh, you don't really need the "of" after grace and reverence unless you just want them.
I liked these lines a lot because it's like Moya just got a reality check.
I don't know who intrigues me more Moya or Kumara. Kumara who willingly wanted to be a priestess or Moya who's doing it for Kumara.
At first when Moya's rambling about how she didn't care for money or love or etc, I thought okay... What does she care about? Because I thought she had no motivations, so I had no idea what she liked or disliked. But toward the end, my opinion has changed.
I enjoyed reading this!
I am glad you liked the names! I think it took me DAYS of mulling over babynames and NOTWRITING to come up with them, hahaha!
I am also glad the two characters intrigued you :3 They are fun to write for, and I certainly enjoyed reading your feedback! Thank you!