Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
The clergy was ready and prepared for her. He held an instrument with several long needles that attached with a cord to a machine. It whirred a few times as liquid shot out of it. The clergy, ultimately satisfied with the results, beckoned Moya closer. Though Moya could only gape at it.
On the final day, as a celebration of an apprentice’s purity, the eyelashes are to be permanently removed from the eyelid.
Moya couldn’t find the strength to even open her eyes, she felt so profusely steeped in her own sweat. Or perhaps it was the wax or the oils, could she have sweat so much on her own? Was she falling ill from a fever?
Moya felt the clergy man grab the back of her neck, as he raised a needle towards the upper side of the eyelid. She felt it numb. Liquids streamed past her face and clung to her jawline. The other needles, smaller ones now, stabbed at each of her follicle in quick succession with a low volt.
Then, he brought out the larger needle once more. It made a horrifying squish as it penetrated deep. Something burned inside her skull and an intense pressure had her screaming, trying to wriggle out of the clergy's grasp, but he pressed down and there was no escape. A second clergyman snuck his fingers in pinching the top of each of her lids and inserted the second-eye. The needle tugged again at her skin as it was pulled out. The whole process taking no more than five minutes.
Moya was anesthetized and numb to the brunt of the pain, but her stomach roiled as her body heaved. She was slick with sweat and shaking. Several times it came close, she started out coughing and it got violent enough she thought she would hurl out her lunch, but she had had nothing to eat. Nothing to give.
Her eyes pulsed inside her skull. The second-eye was more like a second-lid of sorts—a clear gloss that covered the eye and protected it best from man's falsehoods and nature's impurities.
There were—other modifications one could make. Moya knew a Priestess who could see all arrays of the light spectrum. At this point however, Moya wasn’t sure if she was going to go that extreme with it. It was true there were no need for eyelashes—yet her body did blink unconsciously, and Moya felt each blink as though met with a friction. It would take a while to get used to this.
When it was all done, Moya felt the world around her blurred and blinding. She strived to find a focus point. She found herself wanting to blink away tears that would not come. That was what the long needle had been for. Priests and Priestesses had no need for tear ducts.
“Get in.” It was the clergy from before nodding his head towards the center of the room. That was when she saw it—the empty coffin she had painstakingly dragged out from the Mountain, sitting there ajar in the center of the Sanctuary. She had picked this coffin in particular for it belonged to Elona Jormant—nobody important, but Moya remembered her fondly. A girl around Moya’s own age, too young to have died as she had, devoured by a demon in the second century. Moya was four when she witnessed her resurrection firsthand. It was the first time Moya attended a Luneset. She was mesmerized.
“The habit. Come on now, girl. Put it on—” A silver garb of silk material was brought forth into the chamber. One that would cover her down to the toes. It glimmered in the dim light of the temple with embroidery that imitated the night sky and ornate white cuffs that would tightly hug her wrists and stand high along her neck. The clergy didn’t even wait for her, already draping the fabric over her head. It was the same kind Kumara wore, that all Priestesses wore. From across the room, she gave Moya a reassuring nod.
“Now, you get in. Arms crossed over your shoulders. Look to Celestia. We say the rites. You open again, you reborn, you get out. Form a line. We bring the next one. Got it?”
“Wait, right this second?” Moya said. She licked her lips, feeling as though her life was spinning. “I don’t get to say goodbye—?”
“It’s only symbolic. Just get in, would you?”
Laying inside a coffin whilst one breathed was –unsettling. Having the clergy close the top after her—was he supposed to have done that? She could still smell the humid stench of dirt and decay. Did they really sterilize this? Mossa! What did he say? Arms crossed...
She saw Celestia above. Through her second-eye, she saw through the coffin, through the arched ceilings of the Sanctuary, and the stars alight in the night sky, the rings of Mossa glistening, the moons pregnant and full and setting down upon the horizon. The Luneset was starting.
Somewhere on Mossa, a soul is revived. The God King calls it back to being—lifted from out of the Mountain and reborn to one of the Holy Sites before a Sanctuary. Rise.
So the God King fulfills his covenant with the people of Mossa until the next Luneset.
Moya, too, rises, extending out her palms and pushing herself out from the grave. She rises as a Priestess. Yet, something felt wrong, different.
When Moya arose, she saw the clergy and priests before her dropped to their knees.
The bells sounded overhead signaling the arrival of the God King here—the Godking was here!
All trembled as though caught in acts of transgressions. In her haste out of the coffin, Moya stumbled, her hands slamming hard on the floor. But the second-eye saw.
He looked as though made of glass, a skin that was both opaque and transparent, almost pearlescent, reflecting back many hues of pink, purple, blue even as He walked, His steps reverberating across the stones.
The statues do not teach how visible His aura was. Like a rippling heatwave that surrounded His person with tiny, fluorescent sparks sizzling midair, sparks that seemed to flow as though from inside of Him, as though it were light itself that flowed beneath His veins. And He was tall—ten feet, maybe twelve, with proportions not quite mammalian—an effect the Priesthood tried so hard to mimic by removing hair—but the God King was otherworldly, with limbs that were more wingtips than arms or fingers and eyes that reflected the world around Him as a true mirror.
It was not uncommon for the God King to appear in a Sanctuary after a Luneset. What frightened Moya were the presence of the fifty or so soldiers and Star Guards around Him.
Rise—a command from their King.
AN. I am very nervous about this section. A lot gets revealed. There are pacing issues for sure. It's been in my head for so long and I haven't shared the idea with many, so I don't really know how it will come across, if it reads nerdy or weird or too sci-fi-y or full of plotholes (of which I am sure there are many). I think as writers it is normal to feel self-conscious about your work. Either way, I prefer the honest truth. Rip it to pieces!
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140,213 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Audylicious! My love, my darling, I am here and I am so excited. Obligatory disclaimer that everything I'm going to yammer on about is my opinion only, and you can take or leave whatever works for you!
Okay. So. While I didn't review the previous sections, I did read them so I could get all caught up with what you've got here. As per your request (thank you!) and since this is very much a first draft (i do adore the vomit stage) this will be more generalized notations than line-editing. Definitely not time for that. Let's begin, shall we?!
World building
The thing I liked most about this chapter and the least is that there is a lot of world building. I say most and least because at times it felt slightly overwhelming? This could just be me, as I'm not particularly good at world building and tend to shy away from doing a lot of it if I can help it.
That being said, once I understood exactly what was happening, it worked very well! I admit that I thought at first it was more fantasy than sci-fi, so the mentions of machines in this section was a little "what?!". But on the whole, I adore the vibe--the atmosphere in the first section was gorgeous. Holy, respectful, reverent. Nice nice nice. The whole thing is definitely up my alley of aesthetics.
Characters
Right off the bat, I adore how Moya is doing this entire thing because Kumara asked her. Female friendships in fiction where girls go above and beyond for each other are my favorites (and I may or may not ship them just a teeny tiny amount, shhhh). However, I got a better grasp of Kumara's character than I did Moya's. Both of their motivations for becoming priestesses are very clear, but I definitely found Kumara's to be more compelling. But, again, female friendships! Doing it just because Kumara asked! So I'm a little torn.
I don't find it odd that Moya would have disdain for the priests general way of doing things (all the finery and grace is also my aesthetic. Please keep appealing to my aesthetic) because, again, she isn't doing this for that reason, she's doing it for Kumara. At the same time, however, something about her character is tipping me a little sideways. It might be a case of just needing more time to pin down her personality, but she certainly felt...not flat, but maybe smaller in comparison with Kumara. Also, in one of the previous sections, there was a bit of "not like the other girls" and that sort of sat weirdly with me, but I'm not sure it was intentional or not on your part.
Bits and Bobs
-Oh my god eye horror. I love it. I love the description of how the priests don't need to cry. That's such a great piece of world building, and I applaud you. I also loved the aspects of body-modding.
-I absolutely adore the God King's description. Very Eldritch horror, but I also got flashes of the forest spirit from Princess Mononoke. Color me super intrigued for seeing more of him!
-Contrary to what another reviewer said about some of the priests' dialogue, I actually found it very grounding to hear them talking in such a modern way. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but I very much liked the dichotomy of it!
Overall
I know it seems like I vomited all over you up there, but I really, really enjoyed this! I don't think I've read any fiction from you, but it reads the same as your poetry--gorgeous and otherworldly. I think you have a really great concept here, and I'm so excited to see where else it goes! I'll be keeping up with this. Thanks for asking for a review, and I hope some of what I said was helpful! <3
Sachi
AHHH! <3 Thank you!
Your feedback makes me squee :3 Particularly the shipping, OH LAWD, my heart.
I can see how having machines in one part might have stood out 8D I'll definitely be ironing out those wrinkles and adding a smidgen of a scifi element more earlier on.
I totes agree with you on the less is more in worldbuilding. This will get leaner eventually as I figure out what is needed and what isn't. I want to info dump so bad. SO BAD. I smack my wrist, like, "bad writing habits" / "bad writing habits" but even trying to avoid info dumping, setting a learning curve is a THING, so I'm sure there are MANY ways to set that bar smoother and less obtrusively. I'll mark for future drafts, thanks for mentioning!
I also see what you mean about Moya, so I'm gonna go back and have a think at that section and make sure I'm positive about her characterization, I like that you gave me the specific line too so I can definitely go back and look.
EEEEEE
Thanks for all your help!! :3 Thanks for reading!
<3 <3
Hi, Audy.
I appreciate the quick pace at which you published those first three parts but I would appreciate it if you paid more attention to grammar. We still get the meaning just fine but it makes reading that much more uncomfortable and you want to put your readers at ease.
You gave me a shiver with all that messing around with eyes...
There is one sentence I absolutely loved :
« Priests and Priestesses had no need for tear ducts. »
It has a very nice sound, like a well-rehearsed mantra. It would have been even more interesting if it had come back a few times, like an old tune playing in the background :
« Priests and Priestesses had no need for eyelashes. »
Et cetera.
You can even finish on a sarcastic note :
« Did priests and priestesses really have a need to see infrareds ? »
It can help you pace that part of it.
I agree with Occymay, the clergy's speech pattern is kind of weird, too familiar. It doesn't mesh with what you taught us of their religion.
Now, about the God King, it's true that you could make his apparition more impressive and I don't think it would take a lot but he still scared the hell out of me – you make him sound so other.
I will be waiting impatiently for Chapter 2. Chapter 1 was good.
Good luck, Audy.
AHHHH, Thank you!
I've fixed up some of the more obvious grammar errors and the speech. I LOVED your suggestion with the mantra, I think that will give it a nice priestly~vibe too, so I may end up utilizing that suggestion after I give it another rewrite. THANK YOU! <3
Glad it helped. That's why it's always good to have faithful proofreaders.
Hello again!
So this on didn't make as make sense as the previous chapter but more so than the first one.
I liked that the God King appeared but if this is the first chapter I think it might be a bit too early. And I felt his appearance in the chapter was very sudden and I was still understanding what was happening to Moya to understand he had appeared. Maybe make it more dramatic, like he's God so he could have a flashy entrance or something that would suit his character better that would be really interesting and mark the moment as important. For the appearance being too early, you could maybe think about adding chapters before this, giving us more of an insight into Moya's life before hand. It might help slow it down a bit more but it's entirely up to up.
The bit with her eyelid made me cringe so much which might just be me and my dislike of messing about with eyes. I wasn't quite sure what was going on because I thought they were removing her eyelashes but suddenly her tear duct was gone and this thing was being put in her eyes. I would maybe work on the description, it's quite complex with what they are doing so the description needs to be super clear. Also, it would help the description if you describe the pain because to normal people that would be pretty painful.
""Just get in, would ya?”" this dialogue didn't sit quite right with me, mainly the "would ya?" part. I think this might be the lack of worldbuilding as of yet but this isn't how I would expect a priest to talk. This takes me back to adding in more chapters before, it could teach us more about this priesthood she is entering into and their lifestyle.
I got so much sci-fi from this which is actually a good thing, it reminds the reader that this is sci-fi but it's not in your face. I also liked the description of the God King, it really gives him an other worldly kind of appearance and the description of his aura is very godlike. I didn't notice the pacing issue but I think that might be something I struggle to notice so don't take my word for it. I liked the last sentence, it was a good way to end a chapter.
Overall, I think it could be a really good chapter with a little bit of work and I'm excited to see what happens next. Hope my advice was helpful and happy writing ^_^
EEEE THANK YOU!
8D I am glad the eye thing is cringey. Your suggestion with the pain is super helpful. I went back and added a bit more of Moya's reaction (so now she is coughing, she is struggling/shaking, there's a line in there about her feeling pressure, etc) and I added a line that she felt numb/dizzy/nausea from the anesthetic, since I definitely don't want it to be painful so much as cringy. Glad I got the cringe part!
I also changed the "would ya" to "would you?" so hopefully it reads a bit better.
I'm glad the sci-fi element didn't come across so strongly, I was really worried about alienating people. I definitely agree that the pacing isn't quite right, so I'm marking for future edits.
SUPER HELPFUL suggestions <3
I'm glad it was helpful ^_^