Young Writers Society

Hello hello! You asked me to read this a million years ago and I'm so sorry it's taken me this long!!! One small disclaimer, I'm much more well-versed in contemporary than SF/F, and while I do like some SF/F, things that confuse me or that I don't like may be due to my relatively limited SF/F experience

1. Mood/atmosphere - I dig it. It's a very interesting tone and I'm trying to think of a word to describe the mood/atmosphere for me. I am getting a philosophical vibe and I'm also feeling kind of an eerie/mysterious vibe. I like that you gave details without a lot of information. You give little hints about the world like mentioning the Luneset and some people and places while obviously describing this mass grave sort of thing, but that's it. I don't really know how all of these pieces are going to fit together or what the significance of anything is, and rather than wanting to throw in the towel and say I'm confused, I'm intrigued.

2. World building - I touched on this in my last little ramble. I like the details rather than information for right now. The descriptions you gave about the world are very detailed and fit in with the overall tone. My only qualm is that I started to get a little lost in the descriptions. I noticed you had a lot of long sentences. I'm not sure if I started to get lost because of the long sentences or because after a while all of the descriptions about this unfamiliar world started to become overwhelming. I'm also not sure what is going to end up being important or significant and what I need to be sure I remember. (I know I just said I like all of the little pieces and not knowing how they're all going to fit because that intrigues me, that's still true. But maybe there are too many little pieces? I don't know, this could just be a personal problem :p)

I really like the name Moya!

I'll leave things there for now and come back for more later! I am looking forward to seeing how the plot begins to unfold in this opening chapter and learning more about Moya and this world! Let me know if you have any questions or if there was something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention!

For a short review:

- Atmosphere:
The mood of this piece was interesting, eerie and strange but, oddly, not creepy. Not only was the description memorable and compelling but I disagree with other reviewers: you are very skillfully introducing the narrator, Moya. Through her perspective on the sanctuary, we get the impression of a very naive girl, of a devout believer, curious about the outside world but whose experience of life is too limited to understand most things. So far, she is pretty endearing.

- Worldbuilding:
I must admit, I'm very curious about Moya's world. Geographically, maybe we could have gotten a better understanding of the land if you had gone into further detail about Varsomme and Ti’aye but maybe it would have thrown you off your rhythm. Sociologically, I'm very curious about Moya's religion, her God King and the Star Guard.

I wonder if her God King will be anything like Devi's divine king in Rachel Bach's Paradox trilogy. I loved how Devi's character kept her rose-tinted glasses all through the series. I hope Moya doesn't have a rude awakening ahead of her.

- In general:
I liked this piece but I hope it's only a brief introduction because you seem to be building up to more than simply a short-story about a naive girl in a cold cave. Also, I think there are a few grammatical issues but English isn't my native language so you will have to go elsewhere for tips.

Good luck, I'm moving on to Luneset 1.2 now.

Hi! Since you asked, mood, atmosphere and world building it is.

Mood & atmosphere: Sombre, although I wouldn't say sad. Very well set up by the first sentence ("Here, the mountain trembles"). It starts to get a bit creepy once you move into the narrative about all the death, which is well set up by the paragraph mentioning the wind and cold, as this lends an extra bit of fear to the general mood developed.
The way you narrate it, however, takes off a bit of the creepy factor and moves more towards... pondering? Admiring? I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but the fact that Moya is obviously more in awe than creeped out by the number of dead adds an interesting layer to it. The entire passage feels as though it is narrated in more of a stream-of-consciousness style rather than true third person, which to me made it seem a bit rambling at points, but the way it incorporates Moya's feelings works well.

World building: Here's what I've gathered so far: we are in a fantasy world where every dead person going back a few centuries is buried in a very big, underground mausoleum with a very cool mountain entrance. I'm guessing there's a strong cultural element associated with death considering the fact that they keep the dead and there are philosopher-priests who look out after them. There could be magic - glowing runes are always nice. I find the world generally well described and it certainly intrigues me because of all the different ideas you've thrown at me in the first passage.

Philosophy: This comes across very well. My favourite line is "...and though she memorized his scripts, she could not for the life of her understand them", because it gives an immediate hint towards what type of person Moya is.

I hope this helps in some way!

Hello, occymay here to review your work!

So I think this piece needs a lot of work but this is clearly a first draft. You said this was part of NaNo which can mean things are rushed and/or left out so I'm not being trying to be harsh

First thing I wanted to point out, this sentence is massive "The caverns open as a mouth with glowing rune stones perched along narrow crags and ridges that shone brighter the deeper and deeper one trekked through the vast catacombs’ interiors, leading the way for men to traverse the ritual excursions into the heart of the Aster ossuaries physically unharmed." You might want to consider cutting this down into smaller sentences, I think this would make it a lot easier to read. Though I think your imagery is good it's just difficult to appreciate it.

I do like your first sentence "Here, the mountain trembles" I think it's very interesting and I want to know why the mountain trembles, is literally trembling or is fugitive? I would like to see more about that in the chapter because it's left.

Also, I felt very confused, I didn't really understand much of what Moya was saying because I haven't been introduced to the world. I assume this is a fantasy world but I have a lot of questions and they don't make me want to read on. One way I think might help is adding a prologue where you can introduce your world and then taking out parts in this chapters that can't be explained quickly. I felt very overwhelmed because you gave me all these names and didn't explain everything.

We also don't get any character development, all we know is the character is called Moya and she's climb through tombs because the priests said she should? Like what is her purpose, where is she from, does she have any friends, how does she know the priest's teachings?

I can see the philosophical bent that you were talking about but I don't necessarily think that it should be included in the first chapter because it doesn't have an enough of a hook. I would suggest including it in another chapter if possible. Though I think if I knew more about the world her thoughts patterns who be good and interesting.

I'm very sorry if I upset you or offended you I just think that first chapters are really important and this one needs work just like most first chapters on here (I know mine is still bad even though it's one its fourth draft). Anyway, I hoped this helped and I would love to read an updated version. I can also read newer chapters if you would like a consistent reader ^_^

mood/atmosphere/worldbuilding are welcomed. I'm aiming for a philisophical bent within Moya's POV.

Only two days’ journey to visit the tombs of everyone who ever died?

The Mossa Priests had a saying: People in life, separated by nations and oceans—in death, come together entombed.