Young Writers Society

Hi, thanks for the comments. I hope you liked this poem because it only took me 25 minutes and a bunch of yelling at my frozen computer. I will be writing more peices over the next few weeks. Have fun reading

Hiya! Space here for a review!

This topic is something that is not very popular in the writing community, but is a very cruel reality happening everywhere around the world. A man gets married, leaves to go to war, and sometimes leaves his family fractured and broken without him. Unfortunately, this has been happening for a very long time due to war. It is sad and disappointing that war still plagues the earth, able to tear apart families like this.

I like this piece because it is very straight-forward, you can see all the anger and pain that the mother is expressing. She takes out her sadness as anger toward the father, demanding he explain himself for not showing up. She just wants a family, she wants her children to be happy and her lover to be with her. She knows he had a choice--to stay beside his family and have a happy life--or leave them behind to go and risk everything in a dangerous war. He probably believed that he was doing the right thing.."protecting his country". That is what's happening in most cases.

I only have one suggestion, and that is to maybe make the sentences a little longer, add more metaphors and imagery so it seems less like an anger-stricken mother writing a quick letter to her husband, and more like a heartbroken and angry woman, desperate to get her lover back. (If that makes sense.)

Ex: "You meant everything to me, my love. I loved your eyes, glassy hazel orbs, your rough, warm hands and the feeling of your chest as you engulfed me in your warmth. Where are you now? Your children miss you, I miss you..." etc. etc.

Not that exactly of course, and you don't have to change anything about the mother herself--I like her character and the way she expresses her feelings.

Overall, it was a very sad yet touching short story/poem. It was good! I look forward to reading most of your pieces.^^

-Space the Snickerdoodle

Thanks for sharing this poem about the hurt feelings of a person who expected her companion to return on a certain date but didn’t. The poem certainly does convey the deep frustration and anger that such a perceived betrayal has aroused. It does so by asking questions repeatedly. The repetition is characteristic of an anguished mind so it can’t really be viewed as redundant in this context. Much more as a repetition for emphasis. One that expresses he sheer shock of what the speaker is experiencing.

Unfortunately, sooner or later, we are all disappointed in the promises others make and don’t keep. The marriage vow itself is a promise of to death do us part only to be followed much too often by a divorce a few short years later due to incompatibility of personalities or some other reason. So the vows themselves guarantee nothing. The sad reality is that people change in many diverse ways as time passes. Sometimes what they considered attractive once later they don’t and visa versa. There is no guarantee that the person with whom we choose to spend the rest of our life will feel the same several years down the line. No guarantee that it will even be the same person we married.

It reminds me of Sonny Bono and Cher. When they first met she was impressed by his artistry and liked his appearance. After they divorced all she did was criticize his height and express astonishment on why she fell for him in the first place. Your poem reminded me of this phenomenon.


Suggestions

Today is the day you come back[.] [T]oday is the day....

....family on the [twenty-third!]

You had [a] choice....

....your children[?] [N]ot that you knew....

Hiya! Sally here to leave a review.


This pulled my heartstrings. It is every family's nightmare when a family member leave to go to war and the way the mother was asking and asking, there are no words to say. The story goes deep because the mother is angry but deep down she is upset.

You do have two grammar issues. "We were supposed to be a family on the 23!" Replace "23" with "23rd", it makes sense,

"Now were on the streets begging for food" replace with "Now we're" or "we are"


Overall, this is a very very sad story. Great job with it!