Hi! I'll just give a few small suggestions:
"Promising this forever" Promising what forever?
"Your wearing that worn coat" You're wearing that worn coat
"You’ve had it for years
And it survived most weather
But you got it stuck in the gears" I know it's annoying but try to refrain from using "it" try looking through your work for "it"s
I really liked your poem because of the ideas in it and I think with a really nice polish it could be even greater than now! I know that line breaks are really useful in expressing meanings and stuff in work, but they're just a teeny bit overused in your poem. I think that you could have even more meaning and emotion if you connected a few lines. With too many line breaks it can sometimes start to sound really choppy and robotic.
About using "it" I do know how hard and super SUPER annoying it is to refrain from using "it", but if you have a bad habit of overusing "it" I think it's best to start thinking about where you use it when you could replace it with a better, more descriptive word. (this also really helps in science class when you're writing answers for labs - teachers hate it when you use the word "it" or "something" ) Try to NEVER use "it".
Also, you say that the heart was never on the sleeve but then you say that you're going to make a new coat with a heart engraved on the sleeve?
"It was never
On the sleeves
Of that coat
————————
But
You don’t believe me
So I will stitch you
A new coat
With my heart engraved
On the arm"
I'm kinda confused about that part, maybe you could say something about the heart being in the other person or idk thats kinda chummy. hmm, you figure it out XD. I really do love the part where you say the heart was never on the sleeve, that really got me there. That part was probably my favorite, but then you say that you're putting it on the sleeve and it kinda breaks the mood. Try wording it differently without saying you're going to put it on the sleeve or arm or on the jacket itself, how about putting the heart on the person or saying that you don't even need to put it anywhere because it's already "there". kno wut i mean?
I hope my review helps and that it wasn't too harsh. All of the compliments I put in there are NOT sugar coated and are legit, things that i love about your poem. Your idea is super interesting and the part about the heart not on the sleeve is great! keep adding more bright ideas and you'll have a great poem
-Lolo
Points: 122
Reviews: 42
Donate