I will put on this hat
And this coat
And I will follow you
Into the storm
Because I promised
You that I will be here
With my hand in yours
With my heart touching yours
And with my lips on your head
Promising this forever
Because this hat
Is made
By our connection
And this coat
Is made by your love
So
stitch me a coat
Everyday
And buy me a new hat
Every time we touch
Because
This coat
And this hat
Belong to you
And to us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your wearing that worn coat
You’ve had it for years
And it survived most weather
But you got it stuck in the gears
Of my truck
So I’m going to stitch
You a new one
With my heart on the sleeve
And my feelings on the neck
——————————
You left your coat
On the street
And someone stole it
And wore it to work
So don’t worry
I will stitch you a new one
With my feelings engraved
On the chest
And my heart on the sleeve
——————————-
You lost it
The coat I made you
I made us
And you think
That my heart isn’t
Yours anymore
But my heart was always
With you
It was never
On the sleeves
Of that coat
————————
But
You don’t believe me
So I will stitch you
A new coat
With my heart engraved
On the arm
And on the chest
And on the neck
Just so you
Know that I will always
Be with you
Even if you loose
This coat
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi! I'll just give a few small suggestions:
) Try to NEVER use "it".
"Promising this forever" Promising what forever?
"Your wearing that worn coat" You're wearing that worn coat
"You’ve had it for years
And it survived most weather
But you got it stuck in the gears" I know it's annoying but try to refrain from using "it" try looking through your work for "it"s
I really liked your poem because of the ideas in it and I think with a really nice polish it could be even greater than now! I know that line breaks are really useful in expressing meanings and stuff in work, but they're just a teeny bit overused in your poem. I think that you could have even more meaning and emotion if you connected a few lines. With too many line breaks it can sometimes start to sound really choppy and robotic.
About using "it" I do know how hard and super SUPER annoying it is to refrain from using "it", but if you have a bad habit of overusing "it" I think it's best to start thinking about where you use it when you could replace it with a better, more descriptive word. (this also really helps in science class when you're writing answers for labs - teachers hate it when you use the word "it" or "something"
Also, you say that the heart was never on the sleeve but then you say that you're going to make a new coat with a heart engraved on the sleeve?
"It was never
On the sleeves
Of that coat
————————
But
You don’t believe me
So I will stitch you
A new coat
With my heart engraved
On the arm"
I'm kinda confused about that part, maybe you could say something about the heart being in the other person or idk thats kinda chummy. hmm, you figure it out XD. I really do love the part where you say the heart was never on the sleeve, that really got me there. That part was probably my favorite, but then you say that you're putting it on the sleeve and it kinda breaks the mood. Try wording it differently without saying you're going to put it on the sleeve or arm or on the jacket itself, how about putting the heart on the person or saying that you don't even need to put it anywhere because it's already "there". kno wut i mean?
I hope my review helps and that it wasn't too harsh. All of the compliments I put in there are NOT sugar coated and are legit, things that i love about your poem. Your idea is super interesting and the part about the heart not on the sleeve is great! keep adding more bright ideas and you'll have a great poem
-Lolo
Hello Ashley602338! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
I will put on this hat
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
And this coat
And I will follow you
Into the storm
Because I promised {you}
{T}hat I will be here
With my hand in yours
With my heart touching yours
And with my lips on your head {to make it more romantic put "my lips on your own"}
Promising this forever
Because this hat
Is made
By our connection
And this coat
Is made by your love
So
stitch me a coat
Everyday
And buy me a new hat
Every time we touch {that's a lot of hats}
Because
This coat
And this hat
Belong to you
And to us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{You're}[/b wearing that worn coat
You’ve had it for years {reword this line}
And it survived most weather
But you got it stuck in the gears
Of my truck
So I’m going to stitch
You a new one
With my heart on the sleeve
And my feelings on the neck {that drove my mind down to the gutter real fast}
——————————
You left your coat
On the street
And someone stole it
And wore it to work
So don’t worry
I will stitch you a new one
With my feelings engraved
On the chest
And my heart on the sleeve
——————————-
You lost it
The coat I made you
I made us
And you think
That my heart isn’t
Yours anymore
But my heart was always
With you
It was never
On the sleeves
Of that coat
————————
But
You don’t believe me
So I will stitch you
A new coat
With my heart engraved
On the arm
And on the chest
And on the neck
Just so you [b]{know}
{T}hat I will always
Be with you
Even if you loose
This coat
My interpretation:
yet another stereotypical love poem <3 I love these they're so cuteeee
Overall:
I really liked this! I was originally going to yell at you for not using punctuation, but nah. No punctuation actually enhances the meaning of the poem
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara