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Hat and Coat/ Stitch (girl and guy poem)

by Ashley602338


I will put on this hat

And this coat

And I will follow you

Into the storm

Because I promised

You that I will be here

With my hand in yours

With my heart touching yours

And with my lips on your head

Promising this forever

Because this hat

Is made

By our connection

And this coat

Is made by your love

So

stitch me a coat

Everyday

And buy me a new hat

Every time we touch

Because

This coat

And this hat

Belong to you

And to us

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your wearing that worn coat

You’ve had it for years

And it survived most weather

But you got it stuck in the gears

Of my truck

So I’m going to stitch

You a new one

With my heart on the sleeve

And my feelings on the neck

——————————

You left your coat

On the street

And someone stole it

And wore it to work

So don’t worry

I will stitch you a new one

With my feelings engraved

On the chest

And my heart on the sleeve

——————————-

You lost it

The coat I made you

I made us

And you think

That my heart isn’t

Yours anymore

But my heart was always

With you

It was never

On the sleeves

Of that coat

————————

But

You don’t believe me

So I will stitch you

A new coat

With my heart engraved

On the arm

And on the chest

And on the neck

Just so you

Know that I will always

Be with you

Even if you loose

This coat


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User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 122
Reviews: 42

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Tue Jan 30, 2018 1:53 pm
lolosboing wrote a review...



Hi! I'll just give a few small suggestions:

"Promising this forever" Promising what forever?

"Your wearing that worn coat" You're wearing that worn coat

"You’ve had it for years

And it survived most weather

But you got it stuck in the gears" I know it's annoying but try to refrain from using "it" try looking through your work for "it"s

I really liked your poem because of the ideas in it and I think with a really nice polish it could be even greater than now! I know that line breaks are really useful in expressing meanings and stuff in work, but they're just a teeny bit overused in your poem. I think that you could have even more meaning and emotion if you connected a few lines. With too many line breaks it can sometimes start to sound really choppy and robotic.

About using "it" I do know how hard and super SUPER annoying it is to refrain from using "it", but if you have a bad habit of overusing "it" I think it's best to start thinking about where you use it when you could replace it with a better, more descriptive word. (this also really helps in science class when you're writing answers for labs - teachers hate it when you use the word "it" or "something" :P) Try to NEVER use "it".

Also, you say that the heart was never on the sleeve but then you say that you're going to make a new coat with a heart engraved on the sleeve?

"It was never

On the sleeves

Of that coat

————————

But

You don’t believe me

So I will stitch you

A new coat

With my heart engraved

On the arm"

I'm kinda confused about that part, maybe you could say something about the heart being in the other person or idk thats kinda chummy. hmm, you figure it out XD. I really do love the part where you say the heart was never on the sleeve, that really got me there. That part was probably my favorite, but then you say that you're putting it on the sleeve and it kinda breaks the mood. Try wording it differently without saying you're going to put it on the sleeve or arm or on the jacket itself, how about putting the heart on the person or saying that you don't even need to put it anywhere because it's already "there". kno wut i mean?

I hope my review helps and that it wasn't too harsh. All of the compliments I put in there are NOT sugar coated and are legit, things that i love about your poem. Your idea is super interesting and the part about the heart not on the sleeve is great! keep adding more bright ideas and you'll have a great poem

-Lolo




User avatar
364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

Donate
Mon Jan 29, 2018 4:14 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Ashley602338! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
I will put on this hat

And this coat

And I will follow you

Into the storm

Because I promised {you}

{T}hat I will be here

With my hand in yours

With my heart touching yours

And with my lips on your head {to make it more romantic put "my lips on your own"}

Promising this forever

Because this hat

Is made

By our connection

And this coat

Is made by your love

So

stitch me a coat

Everyday

And buy me a new hat

Every time we touch {that's a lot of hats}

Because

This coat

And this hat

Belong to you

And to us

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{You're}[/b wearing that worn coat

You’ve had it for years {reword this line}

And it survived most weather

But you got it stuck in the gears

Of my truck

So I’m going to stitch

You a new one

With my heart on the sleeve

And my feelings on the neck {that drove my mind down to the gutter real fast}

——————————

You left your coat

On the street

And someone stole it

And wore it to work

So don’t worry

I will stitch you a new one

With my feelings engraved

On the chest

And my heart on the sleeve

——————————-

You lost it

The coat I made you

I made us

And you think

That my heart isn’t

Yours anymore

But my heart was always

With you

It was never

On the sleeves

Of that coat

————————

But

You don’t believe me

So I will stitch you

A new coat

With my heart engraved

On the arm

And on the chest

And on the neck

Just so you [b]{know}


{T}hat I will always

Be with you

Even if you loose

This coat


My interpretation:



yet another stereotypical love poem <3 I love these they're so cuteeee

Overall:



I really liked this! I was originally going to yell at you for not using punctuation, but nah. No punctuation actually enhances the meaning of the poem :D keep writing!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind