Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic

18+ Violence

A Trip Down Memory Lane

by Ashkitten83


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

I can’t think of a single time
when you weren’t on my mind
but I just can’t seem to remember you at all.
And a plummet from an imagined height is nevertheless still a fall

I don’t remember your eyes, pools of green, gold and blue
staring at me while I was smiling right at you
gazing into my soul like you’d stare at a dead corpse
And I’ve forgotten how we met or the yellow shirt you wore

Everyday, in every way
I breathed you In, like oxygen
But I have forgotten just the way you smelled
You coursed through my veins like shots of hot cocain
But I have forgotten just the way you felt

You found your way beneath my skin
but I don’t recall letting you in
I don’t remember giving you my heart
No I don’t remember, the fifth of November
The day you ripped my world apart
No I don’t remember, sorry I can’t recall
Me loving you and you not loving me at all

Maybe it slipped my mind
how you slipped into my life
And turned it upside down
Maybe it slipped my brain
how I might’ve gone insane
and you fell lifeless and bloody to the ground

You flooded my brain like a glass of cold champagne
You inflicted so much pain every time you pulled my chain
but I don’t remember just the way it felt

I don’t recall how You held onto me
Like an old expired magazine
Keeping me near your bed, But never really held

I don’t remember all the lies you told
How some were new and some were old
I don’t remember how you would always change your mind
And how you were hot, but mostly cold and much too cruel to be kind

Am I too young to have a “senior moment?”
seein’ your body under hers (ha)
Should I have knocked first? (Nah)
I’m sorry I must’ve forgotten my manners

They say when something’s lost, go back to the last place you left it, and it will be there every single time
But what happens when the thing you lost, happens to be your mind?
Nope it’s not there on the bathroom floor,
and I even checked the medicine drawer

My mind is kinda foggy, was it all a dream?
I don’t remember how loud you screamed
I don’t remember you running for the door
Or the empty cold feeling of you not loving me anymore

I've simply forgotten how you played me so well,
no it doesn’t ring a bell
how I told you to “go to hell”
My minds a blank but the bullets weren’t
It slipped my mind seeing you on the tip of her tongue
I counted down from 10 And shot on 3-2-1
I don’t remember the gun
Or your face when you tried to run

It must’ve gone in one ear and out the other
And landed somewhere in the gutter
The state of my mind, I can’t seem to figure
I simply don’t remember pulling the trigger

I don’t remember the pain in my tear stained eyes
Or the red blood stain on your white carpet of lies
My lawyer says that if I don’t remember, I can just plead insane
So I guess I’ll just leave your body somewhere in the middle of memory lane.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1171 Reviews


Points: 48595
Reviews: 1171

Donate
Tue Apr 23, 2019 11:15 am
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hiya!

Oooooh girl, I really like this one. The imagery is so well done, the narrative is really just breath-taking to read. You do a good job of holding my attention through the entirety of the piece, keeping me interested through to the end. This is also a really good picture of the dangers of domestic abuse or a toxic relationship and the results of its extremes. It's really well-written.

I love also how the rhymes and rhythm were handled here. The inconsistency actually flowed well together and really backed up the idea that she could certainly be insane. One does go insane in this kind of situation, if they have to endure it for too long, and you can really feel that. Her brain darting from one thought to the next, taking in so much information in a desperate attempt to remember these details.

They say when something’s lost, go back to the last place you left it and it will be there every single time
But what happens when the thing you lost, happens to be your mind?
Nope it’s not there on the bathroom floor,
and I even checked the medicine drawer


So this was a transition that kinda threw me off a bit because right before this, the speaker goes into how she walked in on him with her, forgotten her manners, and then suddenly we're going on about how she lost her mind. It seems like it should flow right, but I think the first line here, the lengthy line about going back to where you left it, kinda stretched out the thought a bit too long. I love what these lines are doing, and it definitely fits the idea that she's going insane, but perhaps it's out of place or just dwells too long on the idea. Felt a little tangent-y here to me.

Also the last couple lines -- INCREDIBLE ending. Loved this. There's a "just" overflow though, I'd recommend taking one out and rephrasing if needed. It stood out a bit glaringly to me.

I really enjoyed reading this piece! I think you did a fantastic job. :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




Ashkitten83 says...


Thanks so much for the helpful feedback, I shortened that line a little, let me know what you think.



User avatar
114 Reviews


Points: 7140
Reviews: 114

Donate
Tue Apr 23, 2019 5:27 am
View Likes
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This is a really intense poem... I felt like I could see and feel every moment of that scene. Your lines painted the visuals so clearly in my mind. I think your rhymes flow really well together, and this story conveys a whole lot of emotion. I really love how this story is pieced together too... beneath all the metaphors and thoughts of this character, I can see someone who struggled to control themselves when killing a loved one they had ultimately "lost". I also like how this all ties together with the words "memory lane", saying this is all a painful memory.

I would recommend taking a look at tbe punctuation. I think you added a period in one area, and this can be kept consistent. Well, whether punctuation is used or not can also signify something deeper. Adding punctuation gives pause to this character's thoughts for the reader to easily read through, though since this character is sort of "insane", no punctuation can also show their jumbled thoughts when thinking back to this memory. Anyway, that decision is up to you... I just thought to point out that one area with a period ending a sentence.

Overall, really great job on this poem! It's emotional and chilling...

Keep Writing :)




Ashkitten83 says...


Wow thanks so much for the encouraging words and extremely wonderful feedback. I agree punctuation is a major tool that could be used and I completely neglected it, I%u2019ll make some changes soon. I really appreciate your review, I love constructive criticism!



FabihaNeera says...


You're welcome: D




“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas